In the ink of an eye I saw you bleed;
Through the thunder I could hear you scream,
Solid to the air I breath,
Open-eyed and fast asleep.
Falling softly as the rain;
No footsteps ringing in your ears.
Ragged down worn to the skin,
Warrior raging, have no fear.
Secure yourself to heaven.
Hold on tight, the night has come.
Fasten up your earthly burdens,
You have just begun.
Kneeling down with broken prayers,
Hearts and bones from days of youth.
Restless with an angel's wing,
I dig a grave to bury you.
No feet to fall,
You need no ground.
Allowed to glide right through the sun,
Released from circles guarded tight,
Now we all are chosen ones.
Secure yourself to heaven.
Hold on tight, the night has come.
Fasten up your earthly burdens,
You have just begun.
-Indigo Girls
Thursday, May 25, 2006
fasten up your earthly burdens you have just begun
This renegade’s on the chase again, clinging to whatever scraps of light. It’s so different just being out in the open... I had thought religion must always be associated with bureaucracy, with function being above the soul.
Church... um. Haven’t been in a month or so. I get curious about the ward in my new area but... It just stays a curiosity.
My mother is beginning to crack down on me for not recieving my patriarchal blessing yet. She’s been telling me it will be a blueprint to my path in life... I hate to watch her religious flutter, it actually scares me how she can appear to be so spiritual and be so rash and set in her ways.... Why is it that I feel so dangerous saying these things? Why have I always been so pressed to not look anywhere else but in one small corner?
John wrestles with Christianity, but whenever he and Tammie have troubles, he wanders off to the Lutheran church near the apartment. Says it’s peaceful. It is actually. So are the different church houses I’ve been to in my life. At the Buddhist temple you can definitely feel an energy. As far as feeling the ‘spirit’ goes it’s surprising on how I feel it and where. I don’t think I’ve lost it, many would say before my telling them of my church activity that I do have it. I love the quote ‘ the less I seek one source for one definitive, the closer I am to fine’. But it’s not always easy...
My struggle of the soul is not just limited to Mormonism, but to Christianity as a whole. The ideals of Salvation complex me, just the whole urgency of it... The motions of Salvation as well, it is either good or evil right or wrong. Is finding the value and depth of one’s soul such a uniform process? Can it just be found by looking at the stamps on each action and making a collective desicision to see if you’ve flunked out or not? Is it really about earning love and redemption from the father???
An obstacle I have to understanding any black and white process is it is heavily based on direct associations. Whatever happened to due process? Too many factors exist for such uniform establishments, even there are too many factors within factors. It leaves too much room for discrimination and less room for thinking for one’s self. It assumes we all have same goals. Yet there is that ticker in my head again ‘beware of he who is learned’.
It’s like running your bubble test sheet into one of those machines. In less than five seconds you have your score. It does not take into account your putting down (b) when you actually meant (c). It is a machine, it can never read your mind. Divine forces should be able to understand you as you are, an atypical mold. We can’t assume that every member of humanity has the same purpose.
Draining filters. In church they are taught that there is much that our carnal minds cannot begin to comprehend. Once we are in an eternal sphere our comprehension is expanded, not simplified. I believe that after this life our comprehension will be broadened and not condensed. Eternal descisions should not be made by an earthly order. Yet we are taught that it will all fall into good or evil, white or black. Well I’m sorry we’re not dealing with a posterized black and white portrait here. We are not even dealing with a grayscale image. We are dealing with life – an endless colorwheel of beautiful complexities.
It does sound appealing. To completely eliminate the evaluation process and replace it with but one law. But that leaves too much chance to prejudice.
I am not saying it is wrong to have a focus. It is very important to have and embrace basic values, but the essentials should not choke the framework and the framework should not bury the essentials. This can’t be seen in a rigid system fueled by opposing extremes because there is no room for factors of who one is. I do not believe there is evil out there, just imbalances, just confusion as to what to do with the complexities of one’s self. There was an amazing allusion in my book. The soul is like a packaged fixture, all the parts are included but some assembly is required. Sometimes we can make bad combinations. Individuals’ purposes become a mosaic, and if all are in balance with themselves. I see little embrace of diversity of thinking for oneself. Doing that is marked as a danger. However I look around and all dangerous functions try to sever the thought of an individual. Individuals are mediums in themselves, their own songs and palates of color. We are not scaled by some universal toner that plots us out into black and right.
I’ve never been the ideal student. Most of my life teachers have talked about my delayed homework. She needs to focus more on completing assignments. Little did my teachers know how much I took from those classes. I would get so intense in art and music lessons as you can probably imagine. Back then was when the sciences still fascinated me. I would trace the rings of Saturn, and told the substitude teacher maybe the gaseous planets were created by the trails of gases other planets left behind. When we did a section on the black rights movement I imagined myself out there marching, fueled to be speaking out with the crowds. Sometimes I was considered dull because I wouldn’t respond, I wouldn’t turn in homework. Because learning is judged by paperwork, five letters and a range of percentages that I did not earn, they measured my education by what I completed, never by what I learned. The system would not allow it’s own flexibility because setting standards was far more important than communicating the essentials of education.
Sometimes the education system reminds me of my previous religion. I would keep a still, quiet place in my soul hoping to listen. I would see others who would partake in ‘unrighteous’ acts tear up in the lessons when I was waiting patiently for my understanding to unfold. It was like others could pick up on it so quickly when I’d have to strain myself to understand the nature of God and righteousness.
In seminary class, Brother Evenhuis told us a story about a mother trying to illegally cross her country’s borders through a river with her small children, and new born in her arms. The young child could not handle the trauma and began to cry. Worried that she would be exposed and her children shot, she frantically tried to calm the baby. She stroked his cheek and brought the child to her breast to try to feed him, but his crying did not stop. With tears in her eyes she knew she had no choice. She looked at her other children who were clinging to her in fear.
She covered the baby’s mouth, it wasn’t enough. Broken and reluctant, she held her infant in her hands for the last time and held him below the icy waters as he struggled feebly confused by this act in his mothers caring arms. Hysterical tears rolled down her cheeks as her child took his last breaths. She could not even whimper else give her family away. If she had not done this, her other children and herself would have been caught and tortured by the guards. She wanted freedom of religion as a Mormon convert. Even still it was considered a sin- murder. She was granted repentance by the prophet after following a long process of interviews and...
In these kinds of systems actions can only be seen as actions, but there was no room to take into account her love for her children. It was truly a sorrowful situation, how could God not see this woman’s sacrifice? How could that inflexible system take this into account. Murder is murder. What pain this woman must have felt to do the best that she knew and in one desperate situation still be reprimanded for her loving concern and pursuit for her family.
I don’t know if you had watched the Torino Winter Olympics last year. I watched the team skating sessions. Having two left feet I have an appreciation for those with grace and the beauty of delicate movement. They appear to glide over the ice as if friction and gravity do not exist to them. I believe it was one of the Chinese pairs that were out on the ice. There was so much spirit contained in this dance. It appeared that the two were in perfect animated balance. As the man spun her through the air, she positioned her knee in the wrong alliance with her ankle and the balance was broken for a moment. After she fell she curled up on the ice, she had strained a muscle. She would have been in the lead, but that spin was crucial. She was carried to the normal ground, She tried again while in excruciating pain. Upon that difficult spin she landed right with some difficulty but landed all the same. What made her do this? Just ambition or was there something behind this? It was her sheer spirit there that allowed her to dance on a damaged leg, aside from pain. This was not included in the rubric, there was no way to incorporate spirit and a focused determination within the Olympic evaluation process. If you saw this, do you remember how powerful this was? Where was the room for spirit or passion? Doesn’t spirit and passion remove it from being just an act, just a movement?
Such processes ban inward values because they do not appear to be absolute or easily measured. I believe however that these should be taken into account. I can never support a self serving system which functions on blunt and rigid framework. Something as profound as the salvation of a soul cannot be charted out by measurements. I have a hard time seeing the view of any duality, in this cause that of black and white because of it’s bureaucratic funtionings.
I realize that salvation is based on boundaries of the sacred and profane. It leads to many who will fume and preach all mighty speeches of brimstone and fire when they can’t solve problems with the black and white formula.
I do not understand the nature of sin or the nature of a sin’s consequence. I recongnize that there are acts that can be commited that can deform one’s spirit. I recognize that anything that transcends this life will call for one’s ethics. What I do not understand is Christianity’s response to sin. A sin still remains a sin and that’s where the Savior comes in. If we recognize it, then Christ will complete it for us. Sins must be suffered for. Wrong deeds deserve correction, yes. But I cannot agree with the definition of correction. If a man commits an act harmful to his soul’s growth, but later recognizes the measures of this act and does his best to understand the nature of the act and truly takes accountability why should he still be punished? What if it made him stronger?
My shortcomings have built me in ways I cannot begin to describe. The process of which I look at my mistakes and correct the thinking -/ feelings that led to them is so much more valuable. Why should sin still remain a cost after the fact, after one has evaluated a wrong doing, and resolved the issue? Are sins really permanent black marks that cannot be corrected without a call from the big guy? Aren’t sins the nature of the act or ‘crime’ a failing of the heart? Or is it still the fact that a ‘crime’ was put down on a track record? WHY SHOULD IT BE TALLY MARKS ON THE WALL??? This Universal Law that is functioned on does not take this into account, so how is this love if it is so ignorant to this? This system’s basicness is actually frightening to me. It can never be observed deeper than the face value, because that would be robbing justice? My question is why does justice rob so much from mercy?
How is this justice? I believe that all are born good, but along the ways in our lives we are confronted with conflicting parts of ourselves and all sorts of complex situations. Some are lucky enough to be given wise parents who encourage growth, but many are not. Many adults are still trying to grow themselves. In fact some religions try to encourage marriage as early as possible... Children raising children? I could accept a lot more of this system if churches were more established, Be it Mormonism or Christianity. That way all could have an equal chance. This would be great if everyone could be born into what they were able to handle or an environment that would not block their growing. Look around do you see this? Does everyone have an equal chance? No. I do not believe that every one is only given challenges that they are able to handle. This is not justice. This justice continues to rob mercy. (How in the world were these two virtues considered opposites in the first place?) What makes it like this? Does commiting a sin really pollute the universe’s atmosphere? Offset some cosmic balance by virtue of track records???
On a side note I can’t believe as one general authority has said that we are only given trials that we are able to face. Okay... So what about toddlers who are beaten bloody and senselessly by their crack head mom?
I do not directly understand a universe’s requirement for blood and torture. In this respect I do not understand the Crucifixion, or the Atonement. This system of religion seems to communicate someone must pay for this and sacrifice. Why do wrong doings need to be suffered so gruesomely for? As I said earlier why is resolve not enough? I think personal resolve is very spiritual, powerful. Why beat someone who has suffered profusely at knowing they have made a grave mistake and actually worked build themselves better ethics?
If this universal law is higher than God than God is not all powerful. I do not understand it. This says we cannot learn by experience but I believe that experience is the most profound teacher. If you make a mistake, and feel that mistake and assume responsibility, and make a respectable effort to change why does one still need to be slapped around? We should be judged by heart and intent. Not because we spiritually misspell words or use improper grammar. But by the content of the message in our souls.
Excuse me if this appears to be blashemy. I am finally speaking from my heart when it comes to religion now, not fear of a deity. I mean not to harm anyone’s beliefs and think that Christianity is beneficial to some. But I do not feel that it need be pressed as the only path to growth and personal betterment.
I want to learn how to improve, to be able to embrace values larger than I. To have firmness in all that I do. To look deeply into all that I see and try harder to seek what I may have missed. I have nothing but respect for the power of the earth and existence itself. It is a journey, and this renegade has once again packed for more nomadic trails.
Church... um. Haven’t been in a month or so. I get curious about the ward in my new area but... It just stays a curiosity.
My mother is beginning to crack down on me for not recieving my patriarchal blessing yet. She’s been telling me it will be a blueprint to my path in life... I hate to watch her religious flutter, it actually scares me how she can appear to be so spiritual and be so rash and set in her ways.... Why is it that I feel so dangerous saying these things? Why have I always been so pressed to not look anywhere else but in one small corner?
John wrestles with Christianity, but whenever he and Tammie have troubles, he wanders off to the Lutheran church near the apartment. Says it’s peaceful. It is actually. So are the different church houses I’ve been to in my life. At the Buddhist temple you can definitely feel an energy. As far as feeling the ‘spirit’ goes it’s surprising on how I feel it and where. I don’t think I’ve lost it, many would say before my telling them of my church activity that I do have it. I love the quote ‘ the less I seek one source for one definitive, the closer I am to fine’. But it’s not always easy...
My struggle of the soul is not just limited to Mormonism, but to Christianity as a whole. The ideals of Salvation complex me, just the whole urgency of it... The motions of Salvation as well, it is either good or evil right or wrong. Is finding the value and depth of one’s soul such a uniform process? Can it just be found by looking at the stamps on each action and making a collective desicision to see if you’ve flunked out or not? Is it really about earning love and redemption from the father???
An obstacle I have to understanding any black and white process is it is heavily based on direct associations. Whatever happened to due process? Too many factors exist for such uniform establishments, even there are too many factors within factors. It leaves too much room for discrimination and less room for thinking for one’s self. It assumes we all have same goals. Yet there is that ticker in my head again ‘beware of he who is learned’.
It’s like running your bubble test sheet into one of those machines. In less than five seconds you have your score. It does not take into account your putting down (b) when you actually meant (c). It is a machine, it can never read your mind. Divine forces should be able to understand you as you are, an atypical mold. We can’t assume that every member of humanity has the same purpose.
Draining filters. In church they are taught that there is much that our carnal minds cannot begin to comprehend. Once we are in an eternal sphere our comprehension is expanded, not simplified. I believe that after this life our comprehension will be broadened and not condensed. Eternal descisions should not be made by an earthly order. Yet we are taught that it will all fall into good or evil, white or black. Well I’m sorry we’re not dealing with a posterized black and white portrait here. We are not even dealing with a grayscale image. We are dealing with life – an endless colorwheel of beautiful complexities.
It does sound appealing. To completely eliminate the evaluation process and replace it with but one law. But that leaves too much chance to prejudice.
I am not saying it is wrong to have a focus. It is very important to have and embrace basic values, but the essentials should not choke the framework and the framework should not bury the essentials. This can’t be seen in a rigid system fueled by opposing extremes because there is no room for factors of who one is. I do not believe there is evil out there, just imbalances, just confusion as to what to do with the complexities of one’s self. There was an amazing allusion in my book. The soul is like a packaged fixture, all the parts are included but some assembly is required. Sometimes we can make bad combinations. Individuals’ purposes become a mosaic, and if all are in balance with themselves. I see little embrace of diversity of thinking for oneself. Doing that is marked as a danger. However I look around and all dangerous functions try to sever the thought of an individual. Individuals are mediums in themselves, their own songs and palates of color. We are not scaled by some universal toner that plots us out into black and right.
I’ve never been the ideal student. Most of my life teachers have talked about my delayed homework. She needs to focus more on completing assignments. Little did my teachers know how much I took from those classes. I would get so intense in art and music lessons as you can probably imagine. Back then was when the sciences still fascinated me. I would trace the rings of Saturn, and told the substitude teacher maybe the gaseous planets were created by the trails of gases other planets left behind. When we did a section on the black rights movement I imagined myself out there marching, fueled to be speaking out with the crowds. Sometimes I was considered dull because I wouldn’t respond, I wouldn’t turn in homework. Because learning is judged by paperwork, five letters and a range of percentages that I did not earn, they measured my education by what I completed, never by what I learned. The system would not allow it’s own flexibility because setting standards was far more important than communicating the essentials of education.
Sometimes the education system reminds me of my previous religion. I would keep a still, quiet place in my soul hoping to listen. I would see others who would partake in ‘unrighteous’ acts tear up in the lessons when I was waiting patiently for my understanding to unfold. It was like others could pick up on it so quickly when I’d have to strain myself to understand the nature of God and righteousness.
In seminary class, Brother Evenhuis told us a story about a mother trying to illegally cross her country’s borders through a river with her small children, and new born in her arms. The young child could not handle the trauma and began to cry. Worried that she would be exposed and her children shot, she frantically tried to calm the baby. She stroked his cheek and brought the child to her breast to try to feed him, but his crying did not stop. With tears in her eyes she knew she had no choice. She looked at her other children who were clinging to her in fear.
She covered the baby’s mouth, it wasn’t enough. Broken and reluctant, she held her infant in her hands for the last time and held him below the icy waters as he struggled feebly confused by this act in his mothers caring arms. Hysterical tears rolled down her cheeks as her child took his last breaths. She could not even whimper else give her family away. If she had not done this, her other children and herself would have been caught and tortured by the guards. She wanted freedom of religion as a Mormon convert. Even still it was considered a sin- murder. She was granted repentance by the prophet after following a long process of interviews and...
In these kinds of systems actions can only be seen as actions, but there was no room to take into account her love for her children. It was truly a sorrowful situation, how could God not see this woman’s sacrifice? How could that inflexible system take this into account. Murder is murder. What pain this woman must have felt to do the best that she knew and in one desperate situation still be reprimanded for her loving concern and pursuit for her family.
I don’t know if you had watched the Torino Winter Olympics last year. I watched the team skating sessions. Having two left feet I have an appreciation for those with grace and the beauty of delicate movement. They appear to glide over the ice as if friction and gravity do not exist to them. I believe it was one of the Chinese pairs that were out on the ice. There was so much spirit contained in this dance. It appeared that the two were in perfect animated balance. As the man spun her through the air, she positioned her knee in the wrong alliance with her ankle and the balance was broken for a moment. After she fell she curled up on the ice, she had strained a muscle. She would have been in the lead, but that spin was crucial. She was carried to the normal ground, She tried again while in excruciating pain. Upon that difficult spin she landed right with some difficulty but landed all the same. What made her do this? Just ambition or was there something behind this? It was her sheer spirit there that allowed her to dance on a damaged leg, aside from pain. This was not included in the rubric, there was no way to incorporate spirit and a focused determination within the Olympic evaluation process. If you saw this, do you remember how powerful this was? Where was the room for spirit or passion? Doesn’t spirit and passion remove it from being just an act, just a movement?
Such processes ban inward values because they do not appear to be absolute or easily measured. I believe however that these should be taken into account. I can never support a self serving system which functions on blunt and rigid framework. Something as profound as the salvation of a soul cannot be charted out by measurements. I have a hard time seeing the view of any duality, in this cause that of black and white because of it’s bureaucratic funtionings.
I realize that salvation is based on boundaries of the sacred and profane. It leads to many who will fume and preach all mighty speeches of brimstone and fire when they can’t solve problems with the black and white formula.
I do not understand the nature of sin or the nature of a sin’s consequence. I recongnize that there are acts that can be commited that can deform one’s spirit. I recognize that anything that transcends this life will call for one’s ethics. What I do not understand is Christianity’s response to sin. A sin still remains a sin and that’s where the Savior comes in. If we recognize it, then Christ will complete it for us. Sins must be suffered for. Wrong deeds deserve correction, yes. But I cannot agree with the definition of correction. If a man commits an act harmful to his soul’s growth, but later recognizes the measures of this act and does his best to understand the nature of the act and truly takes accountability why should he still be punished? What if it made him stronger?
My shortcomings have built me in ways I cannot begin to describe. The process of which I look at my mistakes and correct the thinking -/ feelings that led to them is so much more valuable. Why should sin still remain a cost after the fact, after one has evaluated a wrong doing, and resolved the issue? Are sins really permanent black marks that cannot be corrected without a call from the big guy? Aren’t sins the nature of the act or ‘crime’ a failing of the heart? Or is it still the fact that a ‘crime’ was put down on a track record? WHY SHOULD IT BE TALLY MARKS ON THE WALL??? This Universal Law that is functioned on does not take this into account, so how is this love if it is so ignorant to this? This system’s basicness is actually frightening to me. It can never be observed deeper than the face value, because that would be robbing justice? My question is why does justice rob so much from mercy?
How is this justice? I believe that all are born good, but along the ways in our lives we are confronted with conflicting parts of ourselves and all sorts of complex situations. Some are lucky enough to be given wise parents who encourage growth, but many are not. Many adults are still trying to grow themselves. In fact some religions try to encourage marriage as early as possible... Children raising children? I could accept a lot more of this system if churches were more established, Be it Mormonism or Christianity. That way all could have an equal chance. This would be great if everyone could be born into what they were able to handle or an environment that would not block their growing. Look around do you see this? Does everyone have an equal chance? No. I do not believe that every one is only given challenges that they are able to handle. This is not justice. This justice continues to rob mercy. (How in the world were these two virtues considered opposites in the first place?) What makes it like this? Does commiting a sin really pollute the universe’s atmosphere? Offset some cosmic balance by virtue of track records???
On a side note I can’t believe as one general authority has said that we are only given trials that we are able to face. Okay... So what about toddlers who are beaten bloody and senselessly by their crack head mom?
I do not directly understand a universe’s requirement for blood and torture. In this respect I do not understand the Crucifixion, or the Atonement. This system of religion seems to communicate someone must pay for this and sacrifice. Why do wrong doings need to be suffered so gruesomely for? As I said earlier why is resolve not enough? I think personal resolve is very spiritual, powerful. Why beat someone who has suffered profusely at knowing they have made a grave mistake and actually worked build themselves better ethics?
If this universal law is higher than God than God is not all powerful. I do not understand it. This says we cannot learn by experience but I believe that experience is the most profound teacher. If you make a mistake, and feel that mistake and assume responsibility, and make a respectable effort to change why does one still need to be slapped around? We should be judged by heart and intent. Not because we spiritually misspell words or use improper grammar. But by the content of the message in our souls.
Excuse me if this appears to be blashemy. I am finally speaking from my heart when it comes to religion now, not fear of a deity. I mean not to harm anyone’s beliefs and think that Christianity is beneficial to some. But I do not feel that it need be pressed as the only path to growth and personal betterment.
I want to learn how to improve, to be able to embrace values larger than I. To have firmness in all that I do. To look deeply into all that I see and try harder to seek what I may have missed. I have nothing but respect for the power of the earth and existence itself. It is a journey, and this renegade has once again packed for more nomadic trails.
Monday, May 22, 2006
nature of the beast...
Between falling off a scooter and banging my head on an unseen bar well it’s been a wondrous two days.
I realized that management has been too flooded with personal emergencies from at least four different employees to actually respond to any mishandling. I still feel twinges of guilt though whenever Jamie (not to be confused with the other chick fighting Jamie) comes in with a medical note, in the chokehold of a neck brace. I could barely even talk to her. She could barely look at me, be it a lack of neck movement or whatever...
When I had taken her shift she told me she could cover a shift if I wanted later in the week. My supervisor had thought Jamie would cover my shift the next day in return and called to make sure. That morning I had not been looking forward to work because I was getting nauseated and other fun things. Jamie had said if I took her shift she would take my Sunday shift if I wanted, but I never responded. I asked Liz if it would be okay if we swapped shifts cause I wasn’t feeling well. She said it wouldn’t be a problem.
Jamie had forgotten it because no set plans were made to take that shift and said she would be in soon enough. But I was recalled in again. Jamie called apologizing saying she had just been in a car crash, a bad one. The shift was mine again I asked to stay off the register afraid I would seriously mess up.
As if my concern for Jamie had not been enough Keelee, one of my coworkers, kept on asking me intruding questions the entire night with that undertone of blame in her voice. “Well if you feel alright then why’d you try to call in? ”she’d ask accusingly. Since when have I ever told anyone who has casually asked me how I was, how I really was?
I recognize that it wasn’t my fault, but even still, had I not had her swap that shift... I don’t think she’s holding anything against me. Still she will always remember that whose shift she would take. Ugh... Retail once again rears it’s ugly head in all it’s do or die complications.
I realized that management has been too flooded with personal emergencies from at least four different employees to actually respond to any mishandling. I still feel twinges of guilt though whenever Jamie (not to be confused with the other chick fighting Jamie) comes in with a medical note, in the chokehold of a neck brace. I could barely even talk to her. She could barely look at me, be it a lack of neck movement or whatever...
When I had taken her shift she told me she could cover a shift if I wanted later in the week. My supervisor had thought Jamie would cover my shift the next day in return and called to make sure. That morning I had not been looking forward to work because I was getting nauseated and other fun things. Jamie had said if I took her shift she would take my Sunday shift if I wanted, but I never responded. I asked Liz if it would be okay if we swapped shifts cause I wasn’t feeling well. She said it wouldn’t be a problem.
Jamie had forgotten it because no set plans were made to take that shift and said she would be in soon enough. But I was recalled in again. Jamie called apologizing saying she had just been in a car crash, a bad one. The shift was mine again I asked to stay off the register afraid I would seriously mess up.
As if my concern for Jamie had not been enough Keelee, one of my coworkers, kept on asking me intruding questions the entire night with that undertone of blame in her voice. “Well if you feel alright then why’d you try to call in? ”she’d ask accusingly. Since when have I ever told anyone who has casually asked me how I was, how I really was?
I recognize that it wasn’t my fault, but even still, had I not had her swap that shift... I don’t think she’s holding anything against me. Still she will always remember that whose shift she would take. Ugh... Retail once again rears it’s ugly head in all it’s do or die complications.
Monday, May 15, 2006
smork work
My mac is being a real beast right now. So if anyone knows a good mac techie please let me know. Internet complications... For now we have the internet on John's computer. Even still it's nice to have ready access that I can use whenever I want or need to. I haven't had ready internet for about four years now. 'Tis rather nice.
It feels so refreshing to be out of school finally. No more hitting books over my head... No more history proffessor with an anarchist ciriculum. No more earliness.
It's all the more bearable when it's not early. Earliness is evilness. I can actually read now without feeling guitly for not reading my textbooks. lol. Freedom! There is so much that I am able to do now with time. If I didn't have bills then I'd have more time but living on my own is rather convenient.
All is going well right now. I'll cap off all the Polliannaish comments, but lets just say this past week has been, well, nice. :)
I finally applied to convergys today. Commies. The recruiter asked if I had been reffered by an employee. Yes. They can't do it by people's names though, you need to provide the employee's ID number. What the heck! Sorry, names are out now, forgot to get the number inscribed on the back of her neck. All apologies, I'm just a little critical of U.S. culture at the moment.
Even still, a desk job is going to be nice. At Savers I am all over the place, running racks, unloading trucks, cashiering... Bleh. Oldness.
It feels so refreshing to be out of school finally. No more hitting books over my head... No more history proffessor with an anarchist ciriculum. No more earliness.
It's all the more bearable when it's not early. Earliness is evilness. I can actually read now without feeling guitly for not reading my textbooks. lol. Freedom! There is so much that I am able to do now with time. If I didn't have bills then I'd have more time but living on my own is rather convenient.
All is going well right now. I'll cap off all the Polliannaish comments, but lets just say this past week has been, well, nice. :)
I finally applied to convergys today. Commies. The recruiter asked if I had been reffered by an employee. Yes. They can't do it by people's names though, you need to provide the employee's ID number. What the heck! Sorry, names are out now, forgot to get the number inscribed on the back of her neck. All apologies, I'm just a little critical of U.S. culture at the moment.
Even still, a desk job is going to be nice. At Savers I am all over the place, running racks, unloading trucks, cashiering... Bleh. Oldness.
damn facists
It literally amazed me. When did the course of needless procedure ever become more important than the worth or suffering of an individual? It's long since been this way I'm aware. I don't know... Every now and again I tire of living in a system where my being present is no proof of my participation. It upsets me that my social security number is worth more than I am, my ID can only prove who I am. Why should I approve of such a impersonal system? Americans seem so consumed by individuality that by the time the divisions are made no one has anything but statistical worth.
This concept made me boil once again on Saturday. What makes this okay? I had been running around mindlessly about work all day, unloading donations, training a new hire, being the only cashier for three hours. At the end of my shift I had had it. I was ready to just go home. While I was counting out, my coworker Jamie asked me if I was leaving, what time I had come in.
She seemed like she was somewhere else. Really shook up. Then she told me she felt horrible for having to ask me, but there was an emergency. She had called in work with a family emergency, at which they told her to find someone to cover else still come to work. Else she would lose her job! Lose her job??? WHAT? Why the hell does her having an emergency make her such a severe inconvenience??? The supervisors were more worried about Greg's staunch demands for clean store orderliness than they were sensitive to Jamie.
Jamie could barely even talk. She told me that her grandfather had just had a stroke. He was in the hospital, with a few hours to live. It would probably be the last time she could see him. She was going with her folks to go say family prayer with him. Some one was dying. DYING! I can hardly come up for a better reason NOT to come to work.
I took her shift. I told her was very upset at the management. That was an understatement. After Jamie left I could barely even talk for a different reason. I was pissed off that she was handled so coldly. I'm not even sure of the LEGALITY of their decision. I stopped caring about how I had worked all day, because all anyone could think about what work, work, work. What the hell!!!
As one of you can testify to, I was completely disturbed by such insensitive carelessness. lol. You were the only one that day that bothered listened to my bantering... thanks.
This concept made me boil once again on Saturday. What makes this okay? I had been running around mindlessly about work all day, unloading donations, training a new hire, being the only cashier for three hours. At the end of my shift I had had it. I was ready to just go home. While I was counting out, my coworker Jamie asked me if I was leaving, what time I had come in.
She seemed like she was somewhere else. Really shook up. Then she told me she felt horrible for having to ask me, but there was an emergency. She had called in work with a family emergency, at which they told her to find someone to cover else still come to work. Else she would lose her job! Lose her job??? WHAT? Why the hell does her having an emergency make her such a severe inconvenience??? The supervisors were more worried about Greg's staunch demands for clean store orderliness than they were sensitive to Jamie.
Jamie could barely even talk. She told me that her grandfather had just had a stroke. He was in the hospital, with a few hours to live. It would probably be the last time she could see him. She was going with her folks to go say family prayer with him. Some one was dying. DYING! I can hardly come up for a better reason NOT to come to work.
I took her shift. I told her was very upset at the management. That was an understatement. After Jamie left I could barely even talk for a different reason. I was pissed off that she was handled so coldly. I'm not even sure of the LEGALITY of their decision. I stopped caring about how I had worked all day, because all anyone could think about what work, work, work. What the hell!!!
As one of you can testify to, I was completely disturbed by such insensitive carelessness. lol. You were the only one that day that bothered listened to my bantering... thanks.
Friday, May 05, 2006
test tube project?
AHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAH! There is another Whitney Lomax out there, perhaps even two!
Creepiness!!
While surfing online i found all sorts of Whitneyness
Whitney Trails
Creepiness!!
While surfing online i found all sorts of Whitneyness
Whitney Trails
I think the funniest I found was on a soap opera board called Passions. Whitney and Lomax are characters in a soap opera. A few people go off swoon over how perfect the two are for each other.
lol, anything to keep me alive between finals......
Tuesday, May 02, 2006
breaking a hold, holding a breaking
Classes are out now, all that is left are my finals. My work schedule is still centered around my old school schedule. I'm alone most of the day here, and it's taking some adjustment. Here, no one calls me Nae or steals my socks. Before I had decided to move out, I had just begun to repair relations with my dad and he wasn't always easy to reach. It wasn't easy to see him get so choked up about my leaving. I've never seen him that way before on my account.
Another thing that is hard to get down is being completely winded down. Living with a friend requires a social attitude. It's yet to come to the point where we can walk past one another and think nothing of it (is she sad, upset, not feeling good why did she not look at me) Always when I see my roommate. I don't mind being social, I love being social but all of the time? Hopefully as we both adjust to this place, it will settle to where we don't feel a need to remain in that entertaining mindset that is common when spending a bit of time with a friend... I still can't believe that a guy lives here. He's seen some hard times though, so he's here for a little while. I had always told myself I wouldn't live with a guy, though liberal I get a little Victorian when it comes to my relationship values. Not that I believe everyone should be this way, but I am only saying this is the way I feel.
My mom tends to put on more of a social face when I visit. I'd wondered what it would feel like, to get the warmth she sends to her customers, friends. Now that I'm away it makes it easier to get along with her, we don't clash as much. My dad seems confused when I visit. I've become a visitor... He seems so tired all the time. Now and then he'll say something that I never even knew about him, living in Oregon, school in Chicago, a girl he used to know. Ever since I've left he seems more and more choked, like he's living a life he doesn't understand. It makes me sad to see him pacify so much because those around him past and present don't value open communication.
Hate to sound cliche (in relation to my writings ) but everything about my familiar is being challenged. My previous religion is becoming a strange mist. Yet because of this a new hope has arisen to me. My concept of home has been completely diminished and it feels like being tossed around by waves between places. Brendon seems to have evaporated. My functioning and devotion to school is getting shaky. With all that money on tuition why can't I get myself to care? These subjects light up my mind and I'm positive you have all heard me blabber about the concepts and discussions in class. It's just the that the bueacracy caught up to me a little more now that school isn't my central focus. Life is becoming nomadic for me, when all I ever wanted was a firm claim to my own roots. In between all of this is extensive soul searching. What is betterment, goodness? I can't describe how disconnected I feel with so much happening...
I think I've seen another bitter truth. Someone who you have an unresolved issue with will always remember you when you stay out of contact. Because it's unresolved. After you set time aside to resolve this with a person, that remembrance can fade. It's easier for that person to forget what is going well... I would hope that people aren't this disposable. After all I believe that 'I am a part of all I have met'. Or this could just be my inner hippie who longs for harmony and maybe a touch of balance. Balance in a world where the scales are rigged already.
Another thing that is hard to get down is being completely winded down. Living with a friend requires a social attitude. It's yet to come to the point where we can walk past one another and think nothing of it (is she sad, upset, not feeling good why did she not look at me) Always when I see my roommate. I don't mind being social, I love being social but all of the time? Hopefully as we both adjust to this place, it will settle to where we don't feel a need to remain in that entertaining mindset that is common when spending a bit of time with a friend... I still can't believe that a guy lives here. He's seen some hard times though, so he's here for a little while. I had always told myself I wouldn't live with a guy, though liberal I get a little Victorian when it comes to my relationship values. Not that I believe everyone should be this way, but I am only saying this is the way I feel.
My mom tends to put on more of a social face when I visit. I'd wondered what it would feel like, to get the warmth she sends to her customers, friends. Now that I'm away it makes it easier to get along with her, we don't clash as much. My dad seems confused when I visit. I've become a visitor... He seems so tired all the time. Now and then he'll say something that I never even knew about him, living in Oregon, school in Chicago, a girl he used to know. Ever since I've left he seems more and more choked, like he's living a life he doesn't understand. It makes me sad to see him pacify so much because those around him past and present don't value open communication.
Hate to sound cliche (in relation to my writings ) but everything about my familiar is being challenged. My previous religion is becoming a strange mist. Yet because of this a new hope has arisen to me. My concept of home has been completely diminished and it feels like being tossed around by waves between places. Brendon seems to have evaporated. My functioning and devotion to school is getting shaky. With all that money on tuition why can't I get myself to care? These subjects light up my mind and I'm positive you have all heard me blabber about the concepts and discussions in class. It's just the that the bueacracy caught up to me a little more now that school isn't my central focus. Life is becoming nomadic for me, when all I ever wanted was a firm claim to my own roots. In between all of this is extensive soul searching. What is betterment, goodness? I can't describe how disconnected I feel with so much happening...
I think I've seen another bitter truth. Someone who you have an unresolved issue with will always remember you when you stay out of contact. Because it's unresolved. After you set time aside to resolve this with a person, that remembrance can fade. It's easier for that person to forget what is going well... I would hope that people aren't this disposable. After all I believe that 'I am a part of all I have met'. Or this could just be my inner hippie who longs for harmony and maybe a touch of balance. Balance in a world where the scales are rigged already.
Friday, April 14, 2006
nicotine in my ramen
As I go from class to class I keep this fat red backpack chugging along behind me in very desolate hallways. Absolutely empty hallways would be nice seeing as I pedal a mobile public disturbance behind me. People don't realize the Or not nice at all. It messes with our concepts of order and public formalities(really I could run off with this one, just had anthro today). You just don't carry around such a rickety thing.
You want to know the sick thing about it? I like it. I actually like watching people try to act caus when they have to listen to this piece of junk groan on wheels. I like it. Who can understand how much money I'm saving? It's like 60 bucks for a good one. *laughs* It's wonderful for an instant maniacial high in the right circumstances.
So okay. I've got this thing. With ramen. Beef Ramen actually. It's not very healthy but it's soo easy to make and tastes considerably good. I've started this craze thing about it. I walked over to my roomate and said, "yeah this is my third bowl today." It's never worn out and now since it's so unbelievably cheap I am in love all over again. But why the heck do I crave it?
It's not normal. I'll take it over anyone's cooking.
You want to know the sick thing about it? I like it. I actually like watching people try to act caus when they have to listen to this piece of junk groan on wheels. I like it. Who can understand how much money I'm saving? It's like 60 bucks for a good one. *laughs* It's wonderful for an instant maniacial high in the right circumstances.
So okay. I've got this thing. With ramen. Beef Ramen actually. It's not very healthy but it's soo easy to make and tastes considerably good. I've started this craze thing about it. I walked over to my roomate and said, "yeah this is my third bowl today." It's never worn out and now since it's so unbelievably cheap I am in love all over again. But why the heck do I crave it?
It's not normal. I'll take it over anyone's cooking.
Wednesday, April 12, 2006
the evening sirens
If I make it through this last month it shall be proclaimed as a miracle. I am more than ready for a break and a change of pace. I'm getting weary of kissing the arses of one or two of my proffessors. I can't always meet the amorphus academic expectations. Jeez. It's killing me.
I shouldn't say things like that, come to think of it. One of my classmates has just fallen off the earth, and I worry. What reason do I have to not worry when someone just abruptly disappears after they mention losing focus in school, and discord in the family. I don't know the severity of the situation but I do know he's living on his own but... I returned the call too late. His cell phone is out of service, his land line is disconnected. I'm fishing for a possible email address. I don't know what to think. I don't...
It's the type of world we live in. Urgent. Everything is so urgent that we can never know the urgency before it happens. The weight of my words or the importances of quick response. How soon must I be? There is no policy on anyone's return.
I never know how to debrief the systems of human policy anyway. Take your average person, sit him down to find all thought and words are formatted. The encryption is the most difficult part. Here and there I find an unsewn edge, a wide open hole. The soul has infinite windows, open or shut, but we only look at the eyes. Assume the eyes are key, assume we have a stable pattern of body language. I see other's systems of decoding misfire. It assumes that we have stable patterns of anything. How do I know how accurate mine is or can ever be. No one can give the diagnosis. It it about knowing what not to know? Welcome to human relativity: the most beautiful and frightening concept.
"When two good people argue over ethics, they are both right." I didn't always understand that saying. How is it that two people can be stimultaneously right? Isn't that against all order? Right or wrong? Throw it all into the picture, there will be flaws in the message and truth. If we feel and have evaluated ourselves to be right then why do we assume the other is invalid? It's like a disagreement of focal points that is all, all the lines lead to one central point , and when other lines do not parallell these it offsets balance.
My anthropology folder reads : SAVE THE HUMANS. I bought it first out of the humor, kept it for the truth it holds. We as creatures of complex simplicites are the ones most capable of infinite creation, and destruction. Where is the line? Pray that it's not the tightrope we're walking. Sorry, we no longer wear uniforms.
Crud Bus coming and ....
I shouldn't say things like that, come to think of it. One of my classmates has just fallen off the earth, and I worry. What reason do I have to not worry when someone just abruptly disappears after they mention losing focus in school, and discord in the family. I don't know the severity of the situation but I do know he's living on his own but... I returned the call too late. His cell phone is out of service, his land line is disconnected. I'm fishing for a possible email address. I don't know what to think. I don't...
It's the type of world we live in. Urgent. Everything is so urgent that we can never know the urgency before it happens. The weight of my words or the importances of quick response. How soon must I be? There is no policy on anyone's return.
I never know how to debrief the systems of human policy anyway. Take your average person, sit him down to find all thought and words are formatted. The encryption is the most difficult part. Here and there I find an unsewn edge, a wide open hole. The soul has infinite windows, open or shut, but we only look at the eyes. Assume the eyes are key, assume we have a stable pattern of body language. I see other's systems of decoding misfire. It assumes that we have stable patterns of anything. How do I know how accurate mine is or can ever be. No one can give the diagnosis. It it about knowing what not to know? Welcome to human relativity: the most beautiful and frightening concept.
"When two good people argue over ethics, they are both right." I didn't always understand that saying. How is it that two people can be stimultaneously right? Isn't that against all order? Right or wrong? Throw it all into the picture, there will be flaws in the message and truth. If we feel and have evaluated ourselves to be right then why do we assume the other is invalid? It's like a disagreement of focal points that is all, all the lines lead to one central point , and when other lines do not parallell these it offsets balance.
My anthropology folder reads : SAVE THE HUMANS. I bought it first out of the humor, kept it for the truth it holds. We as creatures of complex simplicites are the ones most capable of infinite creation, and destruction. Where is the line? Pray that it's not the tightrope we're walking. Sorry, we no longer wear uniforms.
Crud Bus coming and ....
Friday, April 07, 2006
thinly veiled intolerance
Ever so sadly that immigration rights march will be going on without me on Sunday. Ever so sadly. The whole situation has to put it simply pissed me off by the mixed messages this country tries to send... hey hey we're so enlightened here with our democracy this freedom of oppression and many opportunites for earning finacial and self growth. Because of this everyone should like us, it's the best way to be, everyone should want to COME here. We get paranoid sometimes that you're going to screw us up so I'm sorry, wait for something to kill half of us off and we'll begin taking applications. Sorry about that but still we're the best and you should want to live here.
Cracking down on immigrants is a bit of a double standard for the U.S.. This country was originally composed of immigrants who had come hard on their luck. All types came. Prostitudes, criminals, the poorer population, and the religious outcasts all came here to begin again. Even the controversial Irish who had the about the same level of reputation as modern hispanics came along.
Now we're all on a population hype. I don't understand or agree with the hype about immigration concerns. Why should we make it a felony to enter this country undocumented? AAAaah!!! Immigrants taking our resources. AAaaahh! What is this Bush guy doing helping them out??? We can't have this!!! They're taking our resources our jobs... Does anyone realize that the only jobs an non English speaking illegal alien can land is going to be the same job that a sixteen yearold qualifies for? They are not going to be barging in our offices and taking our cubicles. They are not going to run for office and "infiltrate" our government. They are not going to be cleaning out our walmarts of food and product. With 70% of the world's resources we have enough to spare.
Why does the government even give legal minorities college aid? Just because it's cool to come from somewhere else? You really want to see how many first generation illegals go on to college? Is everyone really that afraid that your bioengineering, interior design, or buisness marketing degree and career opportunities are going to be seriously threatened by these illegals? Just browse http://www.nces.ed.gov/ if you're interested in seeing the hispanic education statistics. It's a sad reality of how many actually land finacial security and rise above that poverty. Even the legal Hispanic majority sadly still gets by on entry level due to language difficulties and remain in the lower income tax brackets.
I'm very upset that I'll be missing that March in Salt Lake on Sunday.
Every now and again it is refreshing to see people actively using their minds, showing their will to change something. I hear so many people support the Bush administration and when asked they don't know why. I hear just as much saying they disagree with the current administration but when they are asked oh just because -- he's wrong- you know that right?
I have to say the protests going on in France right now are awesome. They shouldn't be okay with their government fondling employers and giving them the 'right' to fire employees just because. Too many people feel that the greater virtue in these situations is to trust and endure. It doesn't work that way. One of my favorite poems by Alice Walker, a African American activist wrote this poem.
“The QPP
The quietly pacifist peaceful
always die
to make room for men
who shout. Who tell lies to
children, and crush the corners
off of old men’s dreams.
And now I find your name,
scrawled large in someone’s
blood, on this survival
list.”
People don't care. Perhaps it's a safety mechanism - don't think it through too hard. don't wanna burst more of them braincells.
Nonetheless it is so refreshing seeing some awaken.
Cracking down on immigrants is a bit of a double standard for the U.S.. This country was originally composed of immigrants who had come hard on their luck. All types came. Prostitudes, criminals, the poorer population, and the religious outcasts all came here to begin again. Even the controversial Irish who had the about the same level of reputation as modern hispanics came along.
Now we're all on a population hype. I don't understand or agree with the hype about immigration concerns. Why should we make it a felony to enter this country undocumented? AAAaah!!! Immigrants taking our resources. AAaaahh! What is this Bush guy doing helping them out??? We can't have this!!! They're taking our resources our jobs... Does anyone realize that the only jobs an non English speaking illegal alien can land is going to be the same job that a sixteen yearold qualifies for? They are not going to be barging in our offices and taking our cubicles. They are not going to run for office and "infiltrate" our government. They are not going to be cleaning out our walmarts of food and product. With 70% of the world's resources we have enough to spare.
Why does the government even give legal minorities college aid? Just because it's cool to come from somewhere else? You really want to see how many first generation illegals go on to college? Is everyone really that afraid that your bioengineering, interior design, or buisness marketing degree and career opportunities are going to be seriously threatened by these illegals? Just browse http://www.nces.ed.gov/ if you're interested in seeing the hispanic education statistics. It's a sad reality of how many actually land finacial security and rise above that poverty. Even the legal Hispanic majority sadly still gets by on entry level due to language difficulties and remain in the lower income tax brackets.
I'm very upset that I'll be missing that March in Salt Lake on Sunday.
Every now and again it is refreshing to see people actively using their minds, showing their will to change something. I hear so many people support the Bush administration and when asked they don't know why. I hear just as much saying they disagree with the current administration but when they are asked oh just because -- he's wrong- you know that right?
I have to say the protests going on in France right now are awesome. They shouldn't be okay with their government fondling employers and giving them the 'right' to fire employees just because. Too many people feel that the greater virtue in these situations is to trust and endure. It doesn't work that way. One of my favorite poems by Alice Walker, a African American activist wrote this poem.
“The QPP
The quietly pacifist peaceful
always die
to make room for men
who shout. Who tell lies to
children, and crush the corners
off of old men’s dreams.
And now I find your name,
scrawled large in someone’s
blood, on this survival
list.”
People don't care. Perhaps it's a safety mechanism - don't think it through too hard. don't wanna burst more of them braincells.
Nonetheless it is so refreshing seeing some awaken.
Wednesday, April 05, 2006
you're standing on my neck.
Long time no post I guess. I took a month's sebbatical.
I keep on slipping into my old windows habits such as right clicking, alt tab, and the automatic cureall control alt delete. I'm here on campus using one of the macs, go team!! I was just messing with microsoft word just now for mac and shoot, it's a whole new rodeo. The toolbars are funky. If you want to alter your text, you use the text pallate which is equally as over engineered but pretty. Macs are pretty, they go all in depth with the design.
And I thought I was a one OS woman, hah... I'm still tryin to potty train my mac, it gives me crap sometimes. My computer started chanting, yes, chanting at 5:00 am this morning. I woke up to this inhuman electronic voice "Computer has been scheduled to shut down at 5 am, click shut down or if you do nothing mac will shut down in 1 minute and 20 seconds." "Computer has been scheduled to shut down at 5 am, click shut down or if you do nothing mac will shut down in 1 minute and 19 seconds." and then as I'm being pulled back into the natural waking world "Computer has been scheduled to shut down at 5 am, click shut down or if you do nothing mac will shut down in 1 minute and 18 seconds." I couldn't figure out what was going on as I laid there in a sleep stupor staring off. It had 1 min and 10 seconds left when I'm like okay okay OKAY you go to sleep now like you freaking should be. Gah!
My apartment is looking as homely as ever minus a table and enough seating in the front room, but it's not that big of a problem. It kills me going grocery shopping, it's got to be one of the funniest things in the world. Pushing it around my little shopping cart looking around for markdowns and Albertsons Preffered products. Buying toilet paper and oven mitts is really is hilarious, with my little purse thrown over my shoulder and I pedal my widdle cart down the aisle. Lol. No really LOL.
No one knows how oddly domestic I get nowadays, I get happy washing dishes and doing landery cause it's mine and I get to do these kinds of things. I have my own name on my caller ID which will never happen again! It'll just be a city name if it's a dorum. Way later on it'll slap some punk husbands name on the caller id. this is the only time it will come up, LOMAX WHITNEY. I Like!
That's the biggest freaking flock of birds I've ever seen so low to the ground. WHOOAH. Whoah. What was that like eighty, two hundred just flying past that window? Dude they're going crazy out there in the storm. The same storm I'm going to go out into in a minute. Whoah birds. That's a lot of birds.
I keep on slipping into my old windows habits such as right clicking, alt tab, and the automatic cureall control alt delete. I'm here on campus using one of the macs, go team!! I was just messing with microsoft word just now for mac and shoot, it's a whole new rodeo. The toolbars are funky. If you want to alter your text, you use the text pallate which is equally as over engineered but pretty. Macs are pretty, they go all in depth with the design.
And I thought I was a one OS woman, hah... I'm still tryin to potty train my mac, it gives me crap sometimes. My computer started chanting, yes, chanting at 5:00 am this morning. I woke up to this inhuman electronic voice "Computer has been scheduled to shut down at 5 am, click shut down or if you do nothing mac will shut down in 1 minute and 20 seconds." "Computer has been scheduled to shut down at 5 am, click shut down or if you do nothing mac will shut down in 1 minute and 19 seconds." and then as I'm being pulled back into the natural waking world "Computer has been scheduled to shut down at 5 am, click shut down or if you do nothing mac will shut down in 1 minute and 18 seconds." I couldn't figure out what was going on as I laid there in a sleep stupor staring off. It had 1 min and 10 seconds left when I'm like okay okay OKAY you go to sleep now like you freaking should be. Gah!
My apartment is looking as homely as ever minus a table and enough seating in the front room, but it's not that big of a problem. It kills me going grocery shopping, it's got to be one of the funniest things in the world. Pushing it around my little shopping cart looking around for markdowns and Albertsons Preffered products. Buying toilet paper and oven mitts is really is hilarious, with my little purse thrown over my shoulder and I pedal my widdle cart down the aisle. Lol. No really LOL.
No one knows how oddly domestic I get nowadays, I get happy washing dishes and doing landery cause it's mine and I get to do these kinds of things. I have my own name on my caller ID which will never happen again! It'll just be a city name if it's a dorum. Way later on it'll slap some punk husbands name on the caller id. this is the only time it will come up, LOMAX WHITNEY. I Like!
That's the biggest freaking flock of birds I've ever seen so low to the ground. WHOOAH. Whoah. What was that like eighty, two hundred just flying past that window? Dude they're going crazy out there in the storm. The same storm I'm going to go out into in a minute. Whoah birds. That's a lot of birds.
Tuesday, April 04, 2006
that lady with the noisy backpack!!
There was an invasion of elementary school kids today on campus. This swarm passes me, and then this small group of boys passed me. They all stopped to wait for the straggler of their small clan. The short un with the shaggy hair tries to get all suave and says "You see those hot girls we were just hitting on over there?" he swung his arms out the total center of attention when I'm there behind them trying to keep quiet.
What are you, like seven? Real hot shot there. I couldn't help it just burst up hysterical right on the spot. Needless to say they kind off ran off after that...
What are you, like seven? Real hot shot there. I couldn't help it just burst up hysterical right on the spot. Needless to say they kind off ran off after that...
Friday, February 17, 2006
my own way there, my own way back home
Well it's been done. I should be moving out next week.
They know where I stand. She knows that I'm leaving. She's not too happy with my living with a "Non Member". It's sad that there is such a strong name for that. She's also upset that I won't claim her family's religion and embarrased I can't help to suit her expectation she feels from her family to her children's membership. My dad pleaded with me to keep my mouth shut, that it's best to avoid it and simply agree but... I can't do that. I haven't been able to do that for sometime, but now it's louder. This is the time for me to finally open it. I hate to break it to her but I do have a voice.
My dad is a little scared to see me go, but he's saying not to listen to her. He says he knows I will find my way and it's nice to feel that at least one of my parents have faith in me.
It's all necessary. I need to go my own way.
They know where I stand. She knows that I'm leaving. She's not too happy with my living with a "Non Member". It's sad that there is such a strong name for that. She's also upset that I won't claim her family's religion and embarrased I can't help to suit her expectation she feels from her family to her children's membership. My dad pleaded with me to keep my mouth shut, that it's best to avoid it and simply agree but... I can't do that. I haven't been able to do that for sometime, but now it's louder. This is the time for me to finally open it. I hate to break it to her but I do have a voice.
My dad is a little scared to see me go, but he's saying not to listen to her. He says he knows I will find my way and it's nice to feel that at least one of my parents have faith in me.
It's all necessary. I need to go my own way.
Wednesday, February 15, 2006
a little backward
Tammy’s eyes lit up when she said "Hey you never know, maybe someone might find love today..." At this I smirked and replied, "Perhaps. You sound silly when you say it that way."
I came out of history and passed a girl She put her hands down on her hips shook her head and said "Well you know, if HE’S going to say that then HE doesn’t deserve you." As she flipped the hair out of her face.
I walked faster down the hall when I felt myself starting to laugh at the valley attitude.
It was like every couple had fallen off of the face of the earth. Usually they all seem to come out of the woodwork especially on this holiday. No one was holding hands at all as I went about campus. Tammy wondered if they all died.
I admit I started the day out on a more dismal mindset. My mom and I were suppoesed to have girl's day out today, go out to eat and other such things. Our religious disagreement the night before had cancelled that.
After Anna’s and my plans for the day changed, I decided to use the money I would have used on movie rentals. I went on a mad hunt for watches that day. In the back of my mind I was seriously considering majoring graphic design again as I was getting finnicky over the watch bands and faces. That little voice in my head became big and said these? These? I suddenly wanted to make my own watch, custom design one as I was criticing them all. Screw designer watches, I will never wear something over $80 out in public. Screw it.
The mad watch hunting took me to Target where I passed a mini stampede of three toddlers exclaiming "Get this un this one for mommy!". They shoved it into their fathers hand who said, "Well that’s nice. But this year daddy isn’t getting mommy anything so I won’t get mommy this. Let’s go."
I wasn’t sure about the watches there so I took off over to the mall. If I can inject this in right now it was the first time I have ever seen an Asian mannequin before. Anyway. I passed two teenaged looking guys pushing around little strollers hovering in front of the clothing departments looking like they would rather just be shot on the spot then wait for the bill to come when their wives said " ‘kay there hon, I’m ready to go." It’s the day of the empty wallet.
It's turned into a day of diamonds and chocolate. Like in a Fiona Apple song - I don't understand /diamonds or why men / get them, the only impressive thing / about them is the mining. There are all these girls expecting these flamboyant gifts completely original and exotic as a manifestation of their worth or the worth of their relationship. People lose the meaning of it sometimes while going through the motions. I'm a symbol person. I like different ways to find meaning but when it's stretched out so vainly and nervously far and REQUIRED I think all these little gifts loose their meaning.
Still watch hunting I took the escalator upstairs as I watched this small assembly down the stairs. It was a beauty pageant , the announcer had a gameshow voice and plenty of three feet tall gold trophies to distribute. There was this little girl with a crown on her head that looking like a vertical beak. Her parents should have given little miss muffet her curds and whey. The announcer took the mic and said "Now our boys were harder to judge then the girls, but here are our winners, Joey and parents please step forward." This tiny little mother comes forward and bounces her little baby boy. Agoo goo goo. Look how pretty my kid is—awwh! What the? Should children have to evaluate their looks even younger now? It’s already damaging enough for preteenage girls to compare themselves to other girls. Sometimes I want to scream when Lindsey and her friends begin talking in this way complaining that they’re fat or not pretty enough. Can someone explain to me the reason for a children’s division in beauty pagents?? Someone please explain. Please. I hurried up the escalator as I had started to laugh hysterically at the sight.
If I’m ever bitter on valentines its not a conventional bitterness it’s an anger towards what the modern societal perception of love is coming to. It’s sad. Really sad. Even when you start to think of it how one human will regard another even when favored...
Usually you can sniff out the holiday in the air but there were no tell tale signs of Valentines today. I usually saw that Valentines was a day which dissolves all fears of PDA. Really. But this year it was almost in reverse. Tammy at least had a happy valentines story at least which I was glad for after seeing all this disregard where ever I went.
On a plus note I found a watch fairly priced. On a bigger plus note I found a really really nice potential apartment. *drool*
I came out of history and passed a girl She put her hands down on her hips shook her head and said "Well you know, if HE’S going to say that then HE doesn’t deserve you." As she flipped the hair out of her face.
I walked faster down the hall when I felt myself starting to laugh at the valley attitude.
It was like every couple had fallen off of the face of the earth. Usually they all seem to come out of the woodwork especially on this holiday. No one was holding hands at all as I went about campus. Tammy wondered if they all died.
I admit I started the day out on a more dismal mindset. My mom and I were suppoesed to have girl's day out today, go out to eat and other such things. Our religious disagreement the night before had cancelled that.
After Anna’s and my plans for the day changed, I decided to use the money I would have used on movie rentals. I went on a mad hunt for watches that day. In the back of my mind I was seriously considering majoring graphic design again as I was getting finnicky over the watch bands and faces. That little voice in my head became big and said these? These? I suddenly wanted to make my own watch, custom design one as I was criticing them all. Screw designer watches, I will never wear something over $80 out in public. Screw it.
The mad watch hunting took me to Target where I passed a mini stampede of three toddlers exclaiming "Get this un this one for mommy!". They shoved it into their fathers hand who said, "Well that’s nice. But this year daddy isn’t getting mommy anything so I won’t get mommy this. Let’s go."
I wasn’t sure about the watches there so I took off over to the mall. If I can inject this in right now it was the first time I have ever seen an Asian mannequin before. Anyway. I passed two teenaged looking guys pushing around little strollers hovering in front of the clothing departments looking like they would rather just be shot on the spot then wait for the bill to come when their wives said " ‘kay there hon, I’m ready to go." It’s the day of the empty wallet.
It's turned into a day of diamonds and chocolate. Like in a Fiona Apple song - I don't understand /diamonds or why men / get them, the only impressive thing / about them is the mining. There are all these girls expecting these flamboyant gifts completely original and exotic as a manifestation of their worth or the worth of their relationship. People lose the meaning of it sometimes while going through the motions. I'm a symbol person. I like different ways to find meaning but when it's stretched out so vainly and nervously far and REQUIRED I think all these little gifts loose their meaning.
Still watch hunting I took the escalator upstairs as I watched this small assembly down the stairs. It was a beauty pageant , the announcer had a gameshow voice and plenty of three feet tall gold trophies to distribute. There was this little girl with a crown on her head that looking like a vertical beak. Her parents should have given little miss muffet her curds and whey. The announcer took the mic and said "Now our boys were harder to judge then the girls, but here are our winners, Joey and parents please step forward." This tiny little mother comes forward and bounces her little baby boy. Agoo goo goo. Look how pretty my kid is—awwh! What the? Should children have to evaluate their looks even younger now? It’s already damaging enough for preteenage girls to compare themselves to other girls. Sometimes I want to scream when Lindsey and her friends begin talking in this way complaining that they’re fat or not pretty enough. Can someone explain to me the reason for a children’s division in beauty pagents?? Someone please explain. Please. I hurried up the escalator as I had started to laugh hysterically at the sight.
If I’m ever bitter on valentines its not a conventional bitterness it’s an anger towards what the modern societal perception of love is coming to. It’s sad. Really sad. Even when you start to think of it how one human will regard another even when favored...
Usually you can sniff out the holiday in the air but there were no tell tale signs of Valentines today. I usually saw that Valentines was a day which dissolves all fears of PDA. Really. But this year it was almost in reverse. Tammy at least had a happy valentines story at least which I was glad for after seeing all this disregard where ever I went.
On a plus note I found a watch fairly priced. On a bigger plus note I found a really really nice potential apartment. *drool*
Wednesday, February 08, 2006
put my feet where the earth should be
I get this feeling of rushed motion sometimes when the world starts to sway both left and right at once. You’d think that the forces would cancel out, but not really. One receptor feels the right, the other brushes to the left. I center around this imbalance.
Keep your eye on the ball, but what if gravity doesn’t count? What if it doesn't descend in an arc? One must have a guess at the course it will take to keep up otherwise you are trailing. Pilots are taught not to see but to imagine in flight school since the visual field was meant to be perceived when grounded. In the air all sorts of perceptions fire about location, weight, balance. Air pressure and localities are attacked.unordinary images messing with the understanding the view. Not to say these instincts are bad, they are only given for ordinary survival. They all have differend systems and mediums to reason with. Not even the forest for the trees, maybe the focal emphasis should be the circular thicket and the forest life.
There is always a picture that forms of a dilapidated train yard that follows these sensations. I will know something before I should and become the informed resident. waiting to feel that inevitable drowning. That's just it though, drowning is sitting right here knowing that reasons can’t crunch in every hue in one color wheel, maps itself out in a fifth dimension. Complexity is beautiful, even when sad. Sadness makes things more beautiful, beauty can create such pain.
Keep your eye on the ball, but what if gravity doesn’t count? What if it doesn't descend in an arc? One must have a guess at the course it will take to keep up otherwise you are trailing. Pilots are taught not to see but to imagine in flight school since the visual field was meant to be perceived when grounded. In the air all sorts of perceptions fire about location, weight, balance. Air pressure and localities are attacked.unordinary images messing with the understanding the view. Not to say these instincts are bad, they are only given for ordinary survival. They all have differend systems and mediums to reason with. Not even the forest for the trees, maybe the focal emphasis should be the circular thicket and the forest life.
There is always a picture that forms of a dilapidated train yard that follows these sensations. I will know something before I should and become the informed resident. waiting to feel that inevitable drowning. That's just it though, drowning is sitting right here knowing that reasons can’t crunch in every hue in one color wheel, maps itself out in a fifth dimension. Complexity is beautiful, even when sad. Sadness makes things more beautiful, beauty can create such pain.
Tuesday, February 07, 2006
blah and blah
Eye contact. Try it sometime on a stranger, watch them fidget. One of the fast acting antidotes to boredom. Oh dear. lol. What did I just do?
There is a sense of removal when I walk around campus. A pencil behind my ear, untied shoes, and ragged jeans. I look like this bipedal turtle with myoverstuffed green backpack.
I think one of the funniest things I've seen up here was a poster advertising the gay straight alliance down here which was immediately flocked out by all the religious club promotions. It made me giggle. Take time to stop and smell the headbutting propoganda.
Side note: yeah! I made it into metaphor! end side note.
How available these clubs seem to be, postings everywhere for these other clubs except the one that I have interest in. The writing club I'm looking for I've had to stalk for week upon week. I'm told that it exists at least...
The Davis campus has been really nice and I've been able to meet all sorts of people there. Down here at the main, it's so huge you're lucky to see one person twice. Trying to find things to do down here to get to know people, but no luck this far. The one class I have here is a dead end for that road. Most everyone in my history class has a self image complex or an uncanny fixation with football. Complete lack of variety there.
My mistake was thinking that the battle with financial aid was resolved, but I've been trying for the last two hours to accept my award and its not letting me. internet traffic.
I'm debating on whether or not I should laspe back into my being a bum and cancel my drivers insurace. As much as I love paying $108 a month to operate a vehicle I get to use maybe once or twice every other week... As much as I love thinking about accident rates and thinking of the three accidents I've been in, and the many many I've seen in the surrounding area. I think I'll pass.
Might as well take UTA around like I'm about to do now.
There is a sense of removal when I walk around campus. A pencil behind my ear, untied shoes, and ragged jeans. I look like this bipedal turtle with myoverstuffed green backpack.
My eyes usually catch the tops of the trees and the lanterns scattered about. Sometimes I catch people's eyes as I walk around, trying to think of what these people are thinking. On a slower week I think I'll count the weirdos who can't walk straight cause they are holding hands or the ones with a cell phone jabbed up to one ear.
I think one of the funniest things I've seen up here was a poster advertising the gay straight alliance down here which was immediately flocked out by all the religious club promotions. It made me giggle. Take time to stop and smell the headbutting propoganda.
Side note: yeah! I made it into metaphor! end side note.
How available these clubs seem to be, postings everywhere for these other clubs except the one that I have interest in. The writing club I'm looking for I've had to stalk for week upon week. I'm told that it exists at least...
The Davis campus has been really nice and I've been able to meet all sorts of people there. Down here at the main, it's so huge you're lucky to see one person twice. Trying to find things to do down here to get to know people, but no luck this far. The one class I have here is a dead end for that road. Most everyone in my history class has a self image complex or an uncanny fixation with football. Complete lack of variety there.
My mistake was thinking that the battle with financial aid was resolved, but I've been trying for the last two hours to accept my award and its not letting me. internet traffic.
I'm debating on whether or not I should laspe back into my being a bum and cancel my drivers insurace. As much as I love paying $108 a month to operate a vehicle I get to use maybe once or twice every other week... As much as I love thinking about accident rates and thinking of the three accidents I've been in, and the many many I've seen in the surrounding area. I think I'll pass.
Might as well take UTA around like I'm about to do now.
Friday, February 03, 2006
Straylight run
To anyone who is idling over the internet with a much coveted highspeed connection, get curious and check out this link.
It's such an odd music video, one of the few worth watching. I like.
http://music.vidnet.com/player/22410/straylight_run_hands_in_the_sky_300.php
It's such an odd music video, one of the few worth watching. I like.
http://music.vidnet.com/player/22410/straylight_run_hands_in_the_sky_300.php
Tuesday, January 24, 2006
I Miss My Sky
I bury myself in the leaves to sleep
The sun so strong and rage so deep
I keep waking to find I've been dreaming again
And the sound of the ocean is not a plane
And far away they talk about me
In newspaper columns they write about me
round dinner tables and cocktail parties
I'm a heroine and a tragic figure
I'm a heroine as I'm lying here
Beneath my sky
And sometimes
Sometimes I cry
Sometimes
Sometimes I wonder
Why we're always coming down
And why we need to touch the ground
And why I didn't keep on heading
right on up to heaven
I miss my sky
Here from below the clouds are shadows
Not the golden mountains I used to fly through
Here from below the sky's a painting
In a child's room with the future waiting
But not for me
I look up at the birds flying overhead
My sentinel's true but the signals dead
It's been 500 days of hope and sorrow
500 nights with no tomorrow
And the poetry and the best of me
And the heart and the spirit and the sex of me
All fell into the azure sea
In the tailspin with the last of me
And my wings, and my song, all that I knew is dead and gone
I'm weak and tired but my will is strong
And my hope lives on, my hope lives on?
But sometimes,
Sometimes I cry
Sometimes
Sometimes I wonder
Why we're always coming down
Why we need to touch the ground
Why I didn't keep on heading
Right on up to heaven
I miss my sky
I miss my sky
Heather Nova
The sun so strong and rage so deep
I keep waking to find I've been dreaming again
And the sound of the ocean is not a plane
And far away they talk about me
In newspaper columns they write about me
round dinner tables and cocktail parties
I'm a heroine and a tragic figure
I'm a heroine as I'm lying here
Beneath my sky
And sometimes
Sometimes I cry
Sometimes
Sometimes I wonder
Why we're always coming down
And why we need to touch the ground
And why I didn't keep on heading
right on up to heaven
I miss my sky
Here from below the clouds are shadows
Not the golden mountains I used to fly through
Here from below the sky's a painting
In a child's room with the future waiting
But not for me
I look up at the birds flying overhead
My sentinel's true but the signals dead
It's been 500 days of hope and sorrow
500 nights with no tomorrow
And the poetry and the best of me
And the heart and the spirit and the sex of me
All fell into the azure sea
In the tailspin with the last of me
And my wings, and my song, all that I knew is dead and gone
I'm weak and tired but my will is strong
And my hope lives on, my hope lives on?
But sometimes,
Sometimes I cry
Sometimes
Sometimes I wonder
Why we're always coming down
Why we need to touch the ground
Why I didn't keep on heading
Right on up to heaven
I miss my sky
I miss my sky
Heather Nova
Thursday, January 12, 2006
along the way
Whitney, what are you doing. Really what are you doing. That little spasm in your stomach just now, thats called HUNGER. What are you doing here wiggling out of your impossible hoodie that's gotten too warm, mooching internet?
You're crazy just remember that. Almost as crazy as the people who willingly choose to read these ravings of a mad woman.
Hopefully I will have an easier time making my way out of Ogden today. Last Tuesday
I took a bit of a detour. I caught the inbound instead of out bound 603, jumped quickly out of it to throw myself into the outbound route. 25th something boulevard was announced and I pull the string and get out. After I shut my backpack I turned around in a full circle to find I was not on Washington blvd but Harrision blvd. I shrugged and thought whatever. This is familiar. I'm close I'll walk.
25th avenue is what some would consider ghetto. I can feel more at home in a rundown place like that then I can up on the hills in Bountiful or East Layton. The people may be corrupt according to some but there is usually a humility in them that isn't found anywhere else. It was a smoky part of town. I saw a man with tired eyes stagger past me with a Santa Claus sized beard carrying a drink in one hand. A beady eyed man passed me who was bundled up from head to toe, pushing around rickety cart of all sorts things you can think of. A girl around my height came out of her old house with a homemade pie in her hands to get it to a neighbor.
Town houses usually just look ordinary to me, white brown or gray boxes. These were the exception. I saw a house that looked like it was smack in the middle of ST. Petersburg with a domed roof. It was ornamented with green and yellow patterns and it had at least two spires. Another was a turquoise house on a corner that was a little larger than my house. The house had separated arched roofs and victorian niches and columns and a tentish --uhhh I don't know the real term --a tentish something that was built above the door which extended outward to about five feet. They don't build things like that anymore. I seriously wanted to sketch these houses if I had the time to. My mom wouldn't approve, she could not believe that I walked 25th alone(such a gross place). Likewise she renewed my love for the song 'Just a Girl' by no doubt.
The street that I thought was Washington was actually Monroe so I naively pressed on assuming it had to be close. I went on for three more blocks and let the 603 pass me because Washington had to be close. I stopped a guy walking around to ask if I was close at all to Washington, I was taken aback by how blue his eyes were. Don't take this from a perspective of a girl, but an observer. They weren't bright like most really blue eyes are but just straight navy blue. It was like - whoah. He told me it was about eight blocks down hill. My backpack started getting heavy.
When I found Washington my bus passed me, then stopped in traffic in front of a stoplight. I was about three fourths of the way to it when it picked up and left me again. I was getting really tired and cold and hungry and collasped on a bench in front of what I think was a church but I could be wrong. Then I saw this taco stand on the curb. 2 tacos 1 dollar. All I wanted was a drink but I noticed how happy the man at the stand seemed when he cooked, so I got tacos too. Most people I see behind a counter when they cook look like they are thinking about tall bridges or high cliffs.
I collasped again at the bench at the bus stop. Once i finished my food a clean looking girl came and sat by me holding a sprite like I was. We started talking when she said she was broke. I admit I looked at her teeth when she said that but I didn't see any yellow stains from alcohol or smoking, or brown from the harder stuff. She didn't say it in self pity, she said it like she would the time. I asked her if she had anything to eat today. She said a little bit. I made her take two dollars to get something later.
I talked to her on the ride home and foundher name was Kim and she was on her way to Bountiful to earn some money from relatives until she got her first paycheck from quest. I have to say we both talked like it was a normal conversation because I've been exposed to a lot of situations like this before and she wasn't seeking attention. It's only because I was asking.
Kim said it felt good to be out on her own even if it was expensive. Said it was good to pay bills even if they were hard to pay. I thought about that. She used to live with and help assist her mom who has cancer but she says shes 23 now and she needs to take her own space. it was hard for her to always be around someone so controlling. She helps out as much as she can but her mom gripes at her that she has been abandoned when there are two others there at home.
It's weird with her mom cause she abadoned her when she was little cause she was getting into more and more meth.
I told her I was coming from school and she got a look in her eyes. She said she wished she would have finished. College i asked and she shook her head and said highschool. She said she had dropped out because it was hard since her mom needed her so much and couldn't quite take it. I shrugged and said you do what you have to do, i think you're going to get there.
She said she likes where she lives in Ogden and it's better than bountiful where she grew up. They may be poorer but they don't have the same elevated attitude you find in the rich. They know how to have what they have cause it might not last.
I hear so many storys like this that are so unfortunate and they ask will I make it out there. I want to say yes but i don't always know. I think she has a good shot though. She talks about it like she's not going to give up.
When I got off of the bus and walked down through my neighborhood it didn't feel real at all. I got in my house and Lindsey was doing her nails. Tvs were left on and I thought why do we get all this? Why do people like Kim get passed on their parents consequences and have to work three times as hard just to get where her parents originated? Why do I get this?
Ramblings upon ramblings to shoot off from here but I need to get back. I could go on, mark my words there is so much unsaid.
You're crazy just remember that. Almost as crazy as the people who willingly choose to read these ravings of a mad woman.
Hopefully I will have an easier time making my way out of Ogden today. Last Tuesday
I took a bit of a detour. I caught the inbound instead of out bound 603, jumped quickly out of it to throw myself into the outbound route. 25th something boulevard was announced and I pull the string and get out. After I shut my backpack I turned around in a full circle to find I was not on Washington blvd but Harrision blvd. I shrugged and thought whatever. This is familiar. I'm close I'll walk.
25th avenue is what some would consider ghetto. I can feel more at home in a rundown place like that then I can up on the hills in Bountiful or East Layton. The people may be corrupt according to some but there is usually a humility in them that isn't found anywhere else. It was a smoky part of town. I saw a man with tired eyes stagger past me with a Santa Claus sized beard carrying a drink in one hand. A beady eyed man passed me who was bundled up from head to toe, pushing around rickety cart of all sorts things you can think of. A girl around my height came out of her old house with a homemade pie in her hands to get it to a neighbor.
Town houses usually just look ordinary to me, white brown or gray boxes. These were the exception. I saw a house that looked like it was smack in the middle of ST. Petersburg with a domed roof. It was ornamented with green and yellow patterns and it had at least two spires. Another was a turquoise house on a corner that was a little larger than my house. The house had separated arched roofs and victorian niches and columns and a tentish --uhhh I don't know the real term --a tentish something that was built above the door which extended outward to about five feet. They don't build things like that anymore. I seriously wanted to sketch these houses if I had the time to. My mom wouldn't approve, she could not believe that I walked 25th alone(such a gross place). Likewise she renewed my love for the song 'Just a Girl' by no doubt.
The street that I thought was Washington was actually Monroe so I naively pressed on assuming it had to be close. I went on for three more blocks and let the 603 pass me because Washington had to be close. I stopped a guy walking around to ask if I was close at all to Washington, I was taken aback by how blue his eyes were. Don't take this from a perspective of a girl, but an observer. They weren't bright like most really blue eyes are but just straight navy blue. It was like - whoah. He told me it was about eight blocks down hill. My backpack started getting heavy.
When I found Washington my bus passed me, then stopped in traffic in front of a stoplight. I was about three fourths of the way to it when it picked up and left me again. I was getting really tired and cold and hungry and collasped on a bench in front of what I think was a church but I could be wrong. Then I saw this taco stand on the curb. 2 tacos 1 dollar. All I wanted was a drink but I noticed how happy the man at the stand seemed when he cooked, so I got tacos too. Most people I see behind a counter when they cook look like they are thinking about tall bridges or high cliffs.
I collasped again at the bench at the bus stop. Once i finished my food a clean looking girl came and sat by me holding a sprite like I was. We started talking when she said she was broke. I admit I looked at her teeth when she said that but I didn't see any yellow stains from alcohol or smoking, or brown from the harder stuff. She didn't say it in self pity, she said it like she would the time. I asked her if she had anything to eat today. She said a little bit. I made her take two dollars to get something later.
I talked to her on the ride home and foundher name was Kim and she was on her way to Bountiful to earn some money from relatives until she got her first paycheck from quest. I have to say we both talked like it was a normal conversation because I've been exposed to a lot of situations like this before and she wasn't seeking attention. It's only because I was asking.
Kim said it felt good to be out on her own even if it was expensive. Said it was good to pay bills even if they were hard to pay. I thought about that. She used to live with and help assist her mom who has cancer but she says shes 23 now and she needs to take her own space. it was hard for her to always be around someone so controlling. She helps out as much as she can but her mom gripes at her that she has been abandoned when there are two others there at home.
It's weird with her mom cause she abadoned her when she was little cause she was getting into more and more meth.
I told her I was coming from school and she got a look in her eyes. She said she wished she would have finished. College i asked and she shook her head and said highschool. She said she had dropped out because it was hard since her mom needed her so much and couldn't quite take it. I shrugged and said you do what you have to do, i think you're going to get there.
She said she likes where she lives in Ogden and it's better than bountiful where she grew up. They may be poorer but they don't have the same elevated attitude you find in the rich. They know how to have what they have cause it might not last.
I hear so many storys like this that are so unfortunate and they ask will I make it out there. I want to say yes but i don't always know. I think she has a good shot though. She talks about it like she's not going to give up.
When I got off of the bus and walked down through my neighborhood it didn't feel real at all. I got in my house and Lindsey was doing her nails. Tvs were left on and I thought why do we get all this? Why do people like Kim get passed on their parents consequences and have to work three times as hard just to get where her parents originated? Why do I get this?
Ramblings upon ramblings to shoot off from here but I need to get back. I could go on, mark my words there is so much unsaid.
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