"Starting over is alright, the end is so far away."

No rest for the wicked, or so they say. There's truth in that. I'm worn out already. Zero energy. Zip.

Ugh. If I don't crash before the day is over, then I'll call it good.

People aren't falling dead in the streets just yet. But the plague spreads and I carry it. I've had the influenza for a week now. Not just the flu, no, the doctor insists that flu I know is petty stomach flu and this is the influenza. I could have strep too, but I am to the points of not caring. Details...

It's becoming bearable now, it's not bad. I can breathe, I can talk without sounding like a man, and that’s all I care about. Right now all I have is a cough, just a cough.

My sleep last night wasn't as restful as I hoped it would be. My dreams were unsettling, though that isn't anything new. I'm sure I have almost faded out of their lives, and they seem to be taking a part of my life that I never thought they would have. I'm not sure if I want them to completely leave or not.

Approaching them would be pointless, seeing as I would have no reason to. Hi I’m just here to be here, to see if your presence still unnerves me. No it doesn’t work that way. So I've started a journal to them, though it's not meant for them to see. It's strange how what I write in that journal comes as a surprise to me each time. I still have so many mixed feelings directed towards them. Hopefully this will give me a way to

I didn't want to address this, or even dwell on the larger picture but I don't exactly have a lot of options here. Lets see here, do nothing and let my subconscious nag at me, or do something however small to settle myself.

There is a line from a song I like that goes 'we must sucumb to the feelings we can never face.' I'm not comfortable with it, and I never have been with those things, but if I leave it as it is, I will be worse off.

Happy FREAKING Valentines Day.

a.k.a. national singles awareness day. Well, not exactly, a friend told me a joke about it last year. I like calling it that because I couldn't stop laughing when I heard it.

Nevermind. Valentines is crap.

There's a song, whose chorus jumped out at me, "Don't try to open my door with a skeleton key, they all tell me my problem is that I can't find someone as crazy as me." Yep. Holds true. It's so hard to find those peticular crazy people these days, so to speak.

And still, despite how pessimistic this day usually makes me, I made valentines this year. I blame it all on boredom.

The lights flickered and finally blacked out for about ten seconds. After the news I just heard from the librarians here, it's only a tad unnerving.

A Flying J truck transporting butane got into an accident on Highway 89 in Farmington and took out a van. The butane tank it carried cracked open. I don't know much about physics, but I'd like to know how this happened. The butane carried over through the air over to a nearby farm, and it caused an explosion, but the damage was only internal. The outside of the farm was not damaged.

There was an evacuation order called for in the area, where Mrs. Orem lives. They were told to leave immediately and report to the city hall or an elementary. Emergency vehicles rushed down the streets with bullhorns announcing the evacuation.

At first she was not told why, and if I were her, I would assume either a) apocolyspe or b) World War three.

So when the lights went out, then flickered, then went pitch black, I was expecting some sort of impending doom.

"Drawn to the weather of leave-taking, so that it may be read from a distance"

There are reasons why I wish years would pass by. I want to read this all from a distance.

I told myself there was nothing there, because I thought I had done away with it. And I have, but it will sneak up on me sometimes.

I'm aware of it at least.

Perhaps this is best, at least that's what I want to believe. But it's so hard to believe in anything now, I'm afraid to. The way I thought it would be is of no comfort.

I like to run for these reasons, even at inconvenient hours, in places I don't know, cause it feels like I'm getting away from everything that I'd rather have behind me. Even if it drains me, I really don't care. I'm tired of having to be so cautious.

Everything about me wants to leave this place, to graduate and finally move away from everything I know. It's not happening soon enough.

I continue

Again, there's a danger in being too hopeful. I always take the risk of that. I jumped a little ahead of myself, and almost made a mistake I could not afford, at least not yet. I want to. Can't explain how bad I want to, but I just can't leave myself open again for something so unstable.

I'm not ready, and it took someone completely out of the situation to show me that. The woman's curiousity caught me completely offguard. It was brief, but it surprised me that I acted the way I did. I was surprised to find that my eyes teared up, like everything just resurfaced then. I made it a point to leave, without letting that reaction show up, if I saw her see that, I would have to admit to myself there is still something there that I would rather ignore.

Two weeks of nothing and finally a day that's eventful. It was strange on Sunday. I didn't listen to the meeting much, there were too many familiar faces. The whole building had the feeling of 'I've been here before'. Some of the people weren't as evasive as I had expected. There was even a bit of catching up inbetween the small talk.

In the family get together afterward, my relatives discussed college with me at length. As we were talking I felt that senioritis kick in. I'm looking forward to that challenge and the independence. It made it feel more real and concrete talking about the plans I have after highschool. (No, I'm not going to beauty school, even if they tell me it's in my blood.) I got a bit of feedback on Snow College and the small town where it's located, which was very nice. I'm looking forward to it, though leaving my siblings will be hard.

I touched bases with my cousin, who I will be rooming with. I can't help but to laugh at myself. I told her I was feeling good about the Magnolia dorums because I heard that they were nice and they included cooking areas which she wanted. (I'm so so glad she can cook, I burn so much food you could call me a pyromaniac.) What I didn't say is why I liked the Magnolia dorums. lol. I love magnolias, I like they way their petals look. I also like the way the word magnolia sounds. Could there be a better name for a dorum? And it has a spiral staircase, a real actual spiral staircase!!! Sadly, those two trivial reasons alone are almost enough to make up my mind, and I'm such an indecisive person.

I have mixed feelings on rooming with my cousin. It will be nice to actually know at least one of my roomates, and actually be aquainted with them. Much better than being stuck with a stranger. Rooming with family is inevitable, I have cousins EVERYWHERE. But this also takes away a part of the solitude (not the word I'm looking for but whatever) I was hoping for. The family ties I have with her will make it harder to be independent in the way that I would like to be. Next to that, I'm always afraid of offending her. I feel like I can't be myself around her. Rooming with other people involves tolerance, or so I understand. Maybe all of this is imagined.

Since I was already in the area, I decided to drop by and visit an old friend after the party. We also did some catching up. Okay, a lot of catching up. I laughed a bit when she asked why I of all people would be shy. I'm not exactly what you would call shy, it's something other than that. I guess it's that I'm a little more guarded than I should be. Quiet, yes, I'm quiet, but that's starting to change, it's getting like it was before, almost to the point where I don't shut up. It was good to see her again. It's been a while but I don't think time has ever been a barrier between us.

Got a lot on my mind right now but these kinds of overloads seem almost natural. The courses life takes is funny sometimes. Funny in a chaotic sort of way.

I got a bumper sticker and I'm in love.

THINK:

I refuse to have a battle of wits

with an unarmed person.

My sweater is on backwards and inside out, and you say how appropriate

So next week, due to family buisness, I'll be going to my Uncle's ward for a baby blessing. My previous ward. Should prove to be interesting seeing people I went to school with back in the day. It seems wherever I go in Bountiful, my reputation there follows me...

Still, I have a message to give, from a friend, to one of the guys from my previous 'group'. I could so easily play matchmaker here, but that's if I choose to, it wouldn't be the first time I've tried to set them up. Of course I creep them out up there, him included...

Talking to that friend was interesting, she still keeps in touch with them. From what I heard, the group dynamics are still just as chaotic as ever if not worse, and well, I'm reminded that I came to this school for a reason. I hated the teenage politics and the class divisions not to mention the endless drama. I didn't choose to conform to that, I was backward when it came to it. No wonder I chose to stand in the shadows...

People were scared of me there, scared. Still are I guess, there at least. Bountiful people are very strange. It was because I didn't seem normal, because I didn't look them in a group A and group B environment. It didn't really help that I cussed or that I had a sadistic sense of humor or the million other reasons why I didn't fit the part. Kinda intimidated people, though now, I'm almost harmless (by choice), but I can't say that for then.

Couldn't help it this time, had to quote Ms. Morrisette on this one. It just goes to show why I hate fashion and the idea that a person's style reflects their personality and status. I get enough of that BS at home. My parents hold to that strongly, sadly enough, I would have liked to think that people would see the stupidity in that as they grew older. They're still worried of what people think of them, and then you got me, I don't give a damn. Hell, I've been punished before because I wanted to wear something 'springy' to church during the winter season. No wonder I'm so anti-fashion.

Yes, me and my tangents... Back to what I was saying... I've almost missed that reputation, if not that identity, as I am seen as harmless and innocent. I use the word almost, and only because it worked to my advantage then, but it would not now. I used that outlook as a shield there, to keep people away that let a petty appearance determine who I am. Though it was nice to somewhat kill off the expectations from my parents. I have no need to completely shut people out, because of what it once made me. Live and learn they say.

So anyway, I'm hoping to get a few laughs out of it, if they seem a little withdrawn. I'm going to talk to them regardless, though they may not recognize me with light hair. I haven't seen real fear in a long while. Though what they are afraid of, I do not know.