I continue

Again, there's a danger in being too hopeful. I always take the risk of that. I jumped a little ahead of myself, and almost made a mistake I could not afford, at least not yet. I want to. Can't explain how bad I want to, but I just can't leave myself open again for something so unstable.

I'm not ready, and it took someone completely out of the situation to show me that. The woman's curiousity caught me completely offguard. It was brief, but it surprised me that I acted the way I did. I was surprised to find that my eyes teared up, like everything just resurfaced then. I made it a point to leave, without letting that reaction show up, if I saw her see that, I would have to admit to myself there is still something there that I would rather ignore.

Two weeks of nothing and finally a day that's eventful. It was strange on Sunday. I didn't listen to the meeting much, there were too many familiar faces. The whole building had the feeling of 'I've been here before'. Some of the people weren't as evasive as I had expected. There was even a bit of catching up inbetween the small talk.

In the family get together afterward, my relatives discussed college with me at length. As we were talking I felt that senioritis kick in. I'm looking forward to that challenge and the independence. It made it feel more real and concrete talking about the plans I have after highschool. (No, I'm not going to beauty school, even if they tell me it's in my blood.) I got a bit of feedback on Snow College and the small town where it's located, which was very nice. I'm looking forward to it, though leaving my siblings will be hard.

I touched bases with my cousin, who I will be rooming with. I can't help but to laugh at myself. I told her I was feeling good about the Magnolia dorums because I heard that they were nice and they included cooking areas which she wanted. (I'm so so glad she can cook, I burn so much food you could call me a pyromaniac.) What I didn't say is why I liked the Magnolia dorums. lol. I love magnolias, I like they way their petals look. I also like the way the word magnolia sounds. Could there be a better name for a dorum? And it has a spiral staircase, a real actual spiral staircase!!! Sadly, those two trivial reasons alone are almost enough to make up my mind, and I'm such an indecisive person.

I have mixed feelings on rooming with my cousin. It will be nice to actually know at least one of my roomates, and actually be aquainted with them. Much better than being stuck with a stranger. Rooming with family is inevitable, I have cousins EVERYWHERE. But this also takes away a part of the solitude (not the word I'm looking for but whatever) I was hoping for. The family ties I have with her will make it harder to be independent in the way that I would like to be. Next to that, I'm always afraid of offending her. I feel like I can't be myself around her. Rooming with other people involves tolerance, or so I understand. Maybe all of this is imagined.

Since I was already in the area, I decided to drop by and visit an old friend after the party. We also did some catching up. Okay, a lot of catching up. I laughed a bit when she asked why I of all people would be shy. I'm not exactly what you would call shy, it's something other than that. I guess it's that I'm a little more guarded than I should be. Quiet, yes, I'm quiet, but that's starting to change, it's getting like it was before, almost to the point where I don't shut up. It was good to see her again. It's been a while but I don't think time has ever been a barrier between us.

Got a lot on my mind right now but these kinds of overloads seem almost natural. The courses life takes is funny sometimes. Funny in a chaotic sort of way.