No rest for the wicked, or so they say. There's truth in that. I'm worn out already. Zero energy. Zip.
Ugh. If I don't crash before the day is over, then I'll call it good.
People aren't falling dead in the streets just yet. But the plague spreads and I carry it. I've had the influenza for a week now. Not just the flu, no, the doctor insists that flu I know is petty stomach flu and this is the influenza. I could have strep too, but I am to the points of not caring. Details...
It's becoming bearable now, it's not bad. I can breathe, I can talk without sounding like a man, and that’s all I care about. Right now all I have is a cough, just a cough.
My sleep last night wasn't as restful as I hoped it would be. My dreams were unsettling, though that isn't anything new. I'm sure I have almost faded out of their lives, and they seem to be taking a part of my life that I never thought they would have. I'm not sure if I want them to completely leave or not.
Approaching them would be pointless, seeing as I would have no reason to. Hi I’m just here to be here, to see if your presence still unnerves me. No it doesn’t work that way. So I've started a journal to them, though it's not meant for them to see. It's strange how what I write in that journal comes as a surprise to me each time. I still have so many mixed feelings directed towards them. Hopefully this will give me a way to
I didn't want to address this, or even dwell on the larger picture but I don't exactly have a lot of options here. Lets see here, do nothing and let my subconscious nag at me, or do something however small to settle myself.
There is a line from a song I like that goes 'we must sucumb to the feelings we can never face.' I'm not comfortable with it, and I never have been with those things, but if I leave it as it is, I will be worse off.
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Interesting thing, isn't it? It's like rotating in the air on the x,y, and z axes all at once. I have the same thing, funny how you can simultaneously love and hate someone, isn't it? I've had this discussion with someone before. Maybe she'll remember...
But it comes down to the same dilemma I've faced since meeting any new people at Layton, or since growing older, maybe... Do you help in the interest of the good and your own conscience to the best of your abilities, or do you let it past because that's what's best. Best and good are intriguing concepts because they can interfere with each other.
For instance, it's like removing a nail that's stuck in your brain. The good thing might be to remove it so you aren't worried about it, etc. The best thing might mean that you have to leave it there, constantly a nuissance and yet simultaneously keeping you alive and your world intact.
It's up to you to decide, but I will continue to deny my heart. My heart yearns things that it will not have, and rather than continue any failed charades of hope, I'll let that part die. Unfortunately it's taking a good deal of my person with it...
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