Classes are out now, all that is left are my finals. My work schedule is still centered around my old school schedule. I'm alone most of the day here, and it's taking some adjustment. Here, no one calls me Nae or steals my socks. Before I had decided to move out, I had just begun to repair relations with my dad and he wasn't always easy to reach. It wasn't easy to see him get so choked up about my leaving. I've never seen him that way before on my account.
Another thing that is hard to get down is being completely winded down. Living with a friend requires a social attitude. It's yet to come to the point where we can walk past one another and think nothing of it (is she sad, upset, not feeling good why did she not look at me) Always when I see my roommate. I don't mind being social, I love being social but all of the time? Hopefully as we both adjust to this place, it will settle to where we don't feel a need to remain in that entertaining mindset that is common when spending a bit of time with a friend... I still can't believe that a guy lives here. He's seen some hard times though, so he's here for a little while. I had always told myself I wouldn't live with a guy, though liberal I get a little Victorian when it comes to my relationship values. Not that I believe everyone should be this way, but I am only saying this is the way I feel.
My mom tends to put on more of a social face when I visit. I'd wondered what it would feel like, to get the warmth she sends to her customers, friends. Now that I'm away it makes it easier to get along with her, we don't clash as much. My dad seems confused when I visit. I've become a visitor... He seems so tired all the time. Now and then he'll say something that I never even knew about him, living in Oregon, school in Chicago, a girl he used to know. Ever since I've left he seems more and more choked, like he's living a life he doesn't understand. It makes me sad to see him pacify so much because those around him past and present don't value open communication.
Hate to sound cliche (in relation to my writings ) but everything about my familiar is being challenged. My previous religion is becoming a strange mist. Yet because of this a new hope has arisen to me. My concept of home has been completely diminished and it feels like being tossed around by waves between places. Brendon seems to have evaporated. My functioning and devotion to school is getting shaky. With all that money on tuition why can't I get myself to care? These subjects light up my mind and I'm positive you have all heard me blabber about the concepts and discussions in class. It's just the that the bueacracy caught up to me a little more now that school isn't my central focus. Life is becoming nomadic for me, when all I ever wanted was a firm claim to my own roots. In between all of this is extensive soul searching. What is betterment, goodness? I can't describe how disconnected I feel with so much happening...
I think I've seen another bitter truth. Someone who you have an unresolved issue with will always remember you when you stay out of contact. Because it's unresolved. After you set time aside to resolve this with a person, that remembrance can fade. It's easier for that person to forget what is going well... I would hope that people aren't this disposable. After all I believe that 'I am a part of all I have met'. Or this could just be my inner hippie who longs for harmony and maybe a touch of balance. Balance in a world where the scales are rigged already.
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Life sucks, grab a helmet?
So many varying and interesting things.
Is this where I use my own experience to teach...?
Only a little.
Being as I am, as I have grown up being, I found that it's easiest to keep home, literally, where the heart is. Think about it. Home, where you are whenever you are, wherever you are.
Of course, home is a state of mind for me.
I can't argue with you, I definately felt like a visitor in my family's house, especially when my room was full of boxes (heh), but I always considered both my new place and my house as 'home'. Of course, on the familial level, it was easier to think of it as an extended hiking trip rather than I'm out on my own in the world. It was an adventure, something to help me discover the world, rather than to look at what I might have lost, though there was that too. I definately wanted nothing more than to be 'home' most of the time. Much happened while I was MIA.
I suppose I didn't deal much with the social aspect of my roommates. We definately did have awkward moments, but only when we were all together.
Juan was quite social, but I lucked out in our schedules rarely having two of us together, let alone three of us all there.
Bah. Anyways. I'm distracted, thus the tattered thoughts.
I definatley know that things change when you move out, it's a lot to soak up, but the military calls it "Charging the ambush" or "rushing the ambush", when outgunned, and being ambushed, run towards your 'attackers'. In what could have been a deadly loss for you, turns their overconfidence on them into your advantage.
Of course, leave it to Shadow to turn life into a lesson of war...
Anyways.
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