quotes

He allowed himself to be swayed by his conviction that human beings are not born once and for all on the day their mothers give birth to them, but that life obliges them over and over again to give birth to themselves.
- Gabriel Garcia Marquez

life isnt that long

There was a fourteen year old girl that didn't live too far from here that got killed last night. Both her and her cousin snuck out to go meet friends. They decided to cross the freeway to get there faster. She didn't make it and the car kept on going.

It got to me when my mom looked up her picture in my brothers school yearbook. She was a skinny girl with a shy smile lined up with all the other students her age, in black and white boxed frames.

Current M

her tennis shoes are tied
in the grasses around her
soccerball held at her hip

ponytail
to keep her hair out
of her face

smiled like she used to have braces

out in the field of
my old school yard

maybe she would have had married early
had two girls
who would
need ponytails

to keep the hair out
of their eyes
who would never,
ever sneak out.

How do you choose books to read?

Hit and miss. I take the time to browse. I make sure to spend time walking between the library shelves, aware that I could miss something. I let the titles run through my head.

They always say don't judge a book by its cover. Half the time doing so I find an interesting read. Whether it's by the font of the title, or the artwork it can say a little bit about the author.

Share a letter you've written. Or, write a letter to someone you miss.

It's been a while. Times have changed, and we have right along with them.

I will always remember you, the first person who taught me how to think and reason. You made it evident in your actions that things could be made different. That compassion and hope must be outside religion first. No matter what the situation were came to quick defense of the ones you loved. Ready to defend what people deserved. You still remind me of a lionness.

I've learned how complex interpretation can be. I've learned how sometimes certain actions represent pieces to a situation a person is facing, and people become not people so much as symbols.

You were always a go getter, when we were younger you asked me not to let you drown yourself in work again, it happens when you get upset. So when I saw it happening again, through what others were saying who still knew you I asked you to stay open, let people in still. Maybe you wanted to defend it. Maybe it was too strong of a message from someone you were straining to stay in touch with.

I accept that our lives are apart, and have been for years. I would try to contact you again, but I have to prove I don't need to be proved to you, even if its an invisible thing. The difference is, I know how to do these things by myself now.

I see glimpses of you in the people I meet. In difficult situations I sometimes recall what you've said, use as a sort of distant advice. The passion you had for life is still a source of inspiration to me, and I still use it as a fuel.

I miss that friendship. But here we are in the middle of forging lives for ourselves, the time period where now no one has time, keeping in touch is a chore, and it's a little late for repairs.

I just want to say I understand, or at least come closer to, the complexity.

please trip them gently they don't like to fall

I'm avoiding looking up articles on the Omaha mall shootings. Funny that it happened, on a week like this.

How do we get this complex in the first place? It can't just be emotion and instinct, animals run heavily on that and overall they seem to be balanced. We have more needs I guess.

So what is it the third time this year we've had a public massacre like this? Virginia tech, Trolley square here, and now a mall in Omaha.

The kinds of things that I've seen and heard have been hard to take in this week. To be human is to have limited control, and I've been learning this. And this, really adds to that.

Even in youth I feel aged, like my life could end any moment now. This world isn't ours, a thousand years ago it was the same.

The life we're all living is a fragile, fragile thing. I've never felt this mortal.

________________________________________

_____________________________________

"please trip them gently, they don't like to fall,
there's no room for anger, we're all very small
we're painting our faces and
dressing in thoughts from the skies, from paradise
but they think that we're holding a secretive ball
won't someone invite them,
they're just taller children
that's all, after all

man is an obstacle, sad as the clown
so hold on to nothing, and he won't let you down
some people are marching together and
some on their own quite alone
others are running, the smaller ones crawl
but some sit in silence, they're just older children
that's all, after all

i sing with impertinence,
shading impermanent chords,
with my words
i've borrowed your time and i'm sorry i called
but the thought just occurred that we're nobody's children at all, after all

live your rebirth and do what you will,
forget all i've said, please bear me no ill, after all

in touch

I need to work harder to keep my loved ones an active part of my life.

I work pretty well with most of my close friends. We do our own things, now and then theres a phone call even a night out and it comes out good, like it was before. With some though, the time spent away does make a difference, and we don't talk as fluently as we did before.

It was a normal, sleepy day yesterday. Up until I heard a car accelerate well above 40, tires squelch, and then a crash. It's something not so normal on a small residential street like mine.

I called 911 immediately, though outside I could see at least 3 people already making the call. I ran inside, grabbed blankets and gauze hoping to help out where I could, but my neighbors were already there.
'
A 15 year old took two other guys out for a spin in his moms car. When he went around the street's curve he hit the wrong pedal, and accelerated in seconds. They came over the curb, ripped up part of the lawn and hit a tree. The air back came out but only on one side, and the car was totaled. By the time I was out, in what, only a minute after - they had already been laid out on the grass. People had blankets and pillows. Honestly there were too many helping there and not much I could do but watch. Luckily a nurse lived down the street.

Two of them had cut their foreheads pretty bad, one was shaking probably from shock or the cold despite the blankets. The youngest, was acting cool, riding the hype in his own precocious sort of way.

I hope they are okay.

I'm crashing my classes. I have been learning loads of new things, and I wish there was another outward way to show that. There is a point where challenges of this nature ceases to be a good thing, and if you don't take a moment, can make you go backward.


I'm hanging there. And biting down the arrogance of the college system. With the time that I have I want to take in whats real.

I compare Tori Amos concerts to my first times exploring the ranges of her music. There is a lot of shock value to begin with. When you come back to it after listening to the more experimental songs, you begin to like it.

I really liked the second half of the concert and wouldn't mind trying to listen to some of the songs from the first part. I guess it was because she was her darker 'identity' - Pip. It blew my ears out, some of it was very close to Nu Metal. I kept on begging her in my mind to come back to the piano, instead of letting her music be ruled by base guitars.

I couldn't contain myself when she began to play 'Mother'... She can be so delicate with the piano. But mostly it was to be there with these songs.

Now I want to try it again. I can understand now why people see her several times a tour.

Tori Concert

I'm being taken to go see Tori Amos - live!!! I didn't even know she was coming here again! Justin caught it on the radio and bought us floor seats...!

I only hope Justin doesn't get warded off by her dawdling comments she makes in concerts, and her current identity crisis. If you're not a Tori fan, and you go to a Tori concert, chances are its going to be a little overwhelming. Especially this one, altar egos, and all.


I'm thrilled to not only go to my first concert,but to see my all time favorite musician perform. Is this real? Justin, I owe you one.

no hurry

I'm refusing sleep. Having time off makes me want to make the most of it in my own laid back kind of way.

There isn't much in the morning for me. The afternoon, evening, and night hold the bulk of events for me. I feel justified sleeping in past noon.

I just love having time to not be rushed.

You want so bad to write like that.

At the same time you know she deserves everything she has.

But you can't help but to compare and slip back into the void of 'look what I still haven't made / remade of myself '.

You know that you can always get back in practice with it again, but there is always that fear that it might not be the same.

It's about forging the way, not exactly about having the direction just yet. It's about sheltering what still works, and going from there.
No one thing will give at once. Nothing will carry me except the intent of these two feet.

Just take it as it flows.

duck taped kid

in the middle of the night

Nothing like scrambling out to the backyard trampoline at the stroke of midnight. What's even better is bouncing all over the place when that ever so increasing need to pee comes upon you. I didn't even let that get in my way. Honestly, it's amusing to challenge yourself like that. Let's see how much you can take, when all you want to be doing is that scissor-walk back inside. Let's jump up and down and see if your bladder can handle all that movement.

ha haahaa. It's the funniest thing, and yes, I didn't wet myself.

I'm at the end battle of twilight princess but I refuse to beat it until we have our surround sound hooked back up and I purchase a sword extension for my wiimote. I was a little disappointed at how easy it was to pass through the Hyrule castle, though there is plenty to explore.
I'm being told there is nothing disappointing about the final boss....

My birthday is at the end of this week, and the middle of this week tuition is due. My school should consider this. Cmon it's my birthday, a tuition waive would be the bestest present.... Honestly I have so little planned.

My little upside down fish has become more active since I changed the tank, but I haven't seen him belly down in months. Poor little guy I wonder what's wrong....

I've been on the good hunt for passionate and artistic music once more.
______
A funny quote here:
"I don't need you to remind me of my age. I have a bladder to do that for me."- Stephen Fry -

don't make me

I got coned into showing for a bridal shower.

I keep a rule of thumb on these happenings, especially with an extended family like mine. I'll go if I think they'll attend any of my frivilous events. I know that this soon to be cousin in law isn't going to attend my wedding, share any of my interests, or simply even be able to appreciate the matter when I choose to marry someone outside of our family's tradition.

Sickly enough, I'm very aware a good handful of my cousins can't produce reasons that are in depth and real when it come to why they chose their partner.


Something goes wrong in my head when I go to these things, very very very wrong. I'm not wired to handle a group of either docile or giddy women all boxed into a tiny room. There's way too much estrogen going around, and it finds a way to grind my nerves. (Oh heres a mixing bowl you always wanted one I'm sure!!! If you didn't it's time to start!!!!)


Thank god I wasn't raised in a polygamous society.

lanterns on the water.

Candles and paper lanterns float on the Motoyasu River Monday at the Peace Memorial Park in Hiroshima, Japan, in memory of the victims of the atomic bomb that killed an estimated 70,000 people 62 years ago. Prayers were offered for a nuclear-free world at Monday's ceremony. Hiroshima Mayor Tadatoshi Akiba is seeking the elimination of nuclear weapons.
-Deseret News


Junko Kimura, Getty Images

Clipping I found

"Emotions, in my experience, aren't covered by single words. I don't believe in "sadness," "joy," or "regret." Maybe the best proof that the language is patriarchal is that it oversimplifies feeling. I'd like to have some disposable complicated hybrid emotions, Germanic traincar constructions like, say, "the happiness that attends disaster." Or: "the disappointment of sleeping with one's fantasy." I'd like to show how "intimations of mortality brought on by aging family members" connects with "the hatred of mirrors that begins in middle age." I'd like to have a word for "the sadness inspired by failing restaurants" as well as the "excitement of getting in a room with a minibar." I've never had the right words to describe my life, and now that I've entered my story, I need them more than ever. I can't just sit back and watch from a distance anymore. From here on in, everything I'll tell you is colored by subjective experience of being part of events. Here's where my story splits, divides, undergoes meiosis. Already the world feels heavier, now that I'm part of it."

-Middlesex, Jeffrey Eugenides

Grabbed this from the profile of someone's blog, a very interesting one at that.

woo new test

You are an Animated Visionary.

You are a Visionary


Your imagination, self-assuredness, and knowledge of the world combine to make you a VISIONARY.

You have clear notions of how things could be, and the confidence to try to make them that way.

You enjoy having a routine, and prefer comfort and familiarity to risk and adventure.

Not needing others' approval to forge ahead, you are confident in your designs for the future.

Your imagination allows you to envision the world as a better place.

You're better at thinking of the big picture than you are with details, and you can see wonder in abstract things.

Style and appearances are important to you, and you have a good eye for beauty.

You are somewhat rigid in your beliefs, which comes from both confidence and an aversion to change.

You are good at creating works of art in forms with which you're familiar.

You're not afraid to let your emotions guide you, and you're generally considerate of others' feelings as well.

Generally, you believe that you control your life, and that external forces only play a limited role in determining what happens to you.

If you want to be different:

Appreciate the earthly, functional elements of things.

Your clarity of vision sometimes prevents you from being open to new ideas. Try expanding your horizon of experiences, and experimenting with novel ways of doing things.




how you relate to others
You are Animated

You are outgoing, comfortable with others, and up for anything, which makes you ANIMATED.

Some people find crowds and parties exhausting, but not you! You are able to be yourself in many situations.

Sometimes it is hard for you to understand why others feel the way they do, but that doesn't stop you from trusting them or having faith that they are good people.

You know the world is complicated and that there is often more than one side to a story, so you are careful not to make judgments about others too hastily.

You would rather experience the world than sit back and observe it—you are not one to sit on the sidelines.

You are an independent thinker and don't get too worried about how others might perceive you—you are not self-conscious about being the active, engaged person that you are.


Although you have a keen understanding of different people's life circumstances, you occasionally have trouble seeing why people get so upset and emotional about things—they should just lighten up and have fun!

In addition to having faith in the world, you have faith in the people around you—you trust others to do the right thing and to be honest.
If you want to be different:

Remember that time alone can be just as fulfilling as time spent with others—take some time for yourself and you might find that there are many things in your inner world that are just as compelling as the world outside your window.

Your open-mindedness about the ways of world gives you an understanding of people's differences, but that knowledge doesn't always translate into sympathy. Don't be afraid to let your trust and understanding influence your feelings.

**********
Close, but not quite, especially since the advice it gives I already have incorporated into who I am. Wish it were more accurate and helpful in the if you want to be different
section, assuming I took it that serious in the first place.

This test was so interesting because it was not polarized at all, you gave all results on a sliding scale or a graph, minus one page t or f.

Take it at personaldna.com

awwww

Just read an article about modern stress contributions and the nature of stress in humans. Not to mention---- baboons. Poor baboons, monkies in my mind are an instant symbol of wacky happiness. That makes me want to cry thinking of a heart broken and sullen baboon sitting there pondering the meaning of his small existence in the cold green heartless abyss of a jungle.

I've been having my fill of black licorice. First stick I said to myself - this is deniable. Second - I kind of like this, third, I love this stuff, and from then on it exponentially increased to some crazed obsession.

youngest mother...

I thought seven was the youngest documented age of becoming impregnated, sadly, it's no longer true.

http://scienceroll.com/2006/12/09/the-youngest-mother-ever/
http://www.snopes.com/pregnant/medina.asp

take a look, just don't say it

http://www.whitehouse.gov/news/releases/2007/07/20070717-3.html

Beautiful. This was just passed by the President. It's titled 'Executive Order: Blocking Property of Certain Persons Who Threaten Stabilization Efforts in Iraq'. What this does is allows the White House to take or hold what money or property you have, once they decide you are "undermining efforts" in this war in any way.

Aren't you glad we still have our freedom of speech and demonstration?

olive pizza

It was about the pizza. He threw his arms up into the air, turned in a half circle. He said it wasn't possible. "What's wrong" I asked without getting an answer. He went on to say several times that he couldn't do it, in a mumble that sounded like a yell. From there he became increasingly irritated as if everything he did had to be approved of. He just wouldn't answer. Every movement he made was both frantic and erratic. The tin foil wouldn't stick to the crust. But she wanted it on so it wouldn't burn. But it wouldn't stay on it kept on falling. But she wanted it on so it wouldn't burn. But it would come off after he had formed it again. But she wanted it on so it wouldn't burn.

He threw the pizza in said I don't care anymore SCREW it. He walked off, turned around in a hurry, and began cursing. He forgot the olives.

The pizza had a huge clump of olives, almost more olives than pizza. He threw the pizza in the second time, walked away.

It's so sad he's afraid to do anything wrong when it comes to her.

odd.

I have to tell myself a few times that this week is over before I start to believe it. It's not that I have done much this week, it's just the rate at which the days started and ended.

My younger sister came back listless after her red eye flight from D.C. today. The trip was mostly paid for by her 'Teenage Republican' group. There was no sightseeing, except to go see the Capitol. The entire week was filled with plenty of meetings to the point where it couldn't even be classified as a trip, she might have been closed in a hotel in this state for that matter.

I saw my cousin tie the knot last week, I had to ignore how strange it was to remember that she's only a few months younger than I am. I wasn't able to see the ceremony because that requires a Mormon temple recommend, which upsets me to think of how many more I may for this reason. It explains why receptions are so big here, there are a few people who can't come to the actual wedding.

Her wedding day was pretty typical of her outlook on life, it has to be overdone and expensive. She jumped on the marriage band wagon shortly after her parents told her if she didn't want to pay for things herself she would have to get married. I wonder if they are really even in love at all, sadly even this would seem less important than the fact that she was wed in a mormon temple to our extended family.
What the hell is marriage anyway.

wo0t

This is awesome...

I just bought an OCARINA!!!!!!



^_________________^



It's all blue like the one in Zelda: Ocarina of Time.

seasoned

hope is something halfway
between a feather and a jaw
when he slept around me
as easy as a fall
I held my head just so
that hope might slip in oddly
my hope is hidden
in the frenzy of his body

fear has come upon me cried
and stiffening at night
there isn't time
and I'm dirtier than I would like
I can lie so fear don't see me
a sweater on the floor
or I can clean
like I've never been scared before

I have talked of love
til it's ragged hanging loose
my heart is busted
from enthusiastic overuse
now love is stealthy
hiding under ribs
love laughs at me
it knows exactly what it is

hope is something halfway
between a feather and a jaw
when you slept around me
as easy as a fall
I held my head just so
and hope dis slip in oddly
my hope is hidden
in the frenzy of your body.

-Veda Hille

those walls

Anna seems different at church, which would make two of us. This church isn't my decision, just something that's required of me as long as I live here. I think she was once able to accept that I had different beliefs. What I don't think she can accept is seeing me in that atmosphere half assed and distanced.

Everytime I catch her in the hallway, I can hear how strained and simulated her responses are.

switching off

I kept my tongue bit while sweeping the kitchen. I don't even have the leeway to not understand without being snapped at. I understand she is stressed but it's very parallel to how she normally is with everyone and it is hard to coexist at times. I thought about how she will only ever know her side of any given situation. Even still I'm the outspoken seemingly rash one. I stand up for myself when it comes to the important things and it sets my mom off to be challenged. She needs control but I can't sacrifice myself to that.

It reminded me of that old saying- two sides to every story. Two sides at least.
I have... sides. More than one. I'm just trying to find what is left of me.

I know what I need to be doing and will get on a more productive track, but the long lapse of productivity has been taking it's toll. I used to be a searching person. I feel I've lost that. I feel harsher and uninspired, my dreams are there, but way down there buried. I'm just trying to get back up on two feet, walk with one foot in front of the other and take comfort and pride in each small step.

I used to look at everything with rapt curiosity, I searched for the life and intent in everything. My heart used to be more open. I wasn't always so watchful and sarcastic in my head. I always have my bases covered. I've been shutting off or dumbing down major parts of me just to get by here without losing my head. That leads to me having days where I just stop having that kind of control and become moody to everyone.

There has been so much that has changed me.

It's been a wild ride about my health. I think I have been a little better, so I have delayed a walk to the walmart pharmacy for the antibiotics I was prescribed. I've been down that road before though and am skeptical though that would make the most sense. It definitely has been something for me to have to sort through.

There are days that I only want to stop, disappear. Maybe that is why we are wired to sleep, just to exit your immediate mind and this dizzy world for a few merciful hours each day.

now

Each person with a different swing in pace, a familiar face is a dying chance.

Sometimes I am afraid that tomorrow is a place where I will only have my name to know

I want something covered in yesterday, here and still existing.

It's Late

I tried being as quiet as possible getting into the house tonight. Not to be secretive, but tomorrow is an early morning for my mom tomorrow. She's leaving around five am and I figure she needs her rest. It's a little crazy to think that she'll be redoing her should again, but there are a few factors that are involved with that so it can't just be looked at with face value.

I've just read up, being a little curious about it, on what kind of long term effects hairdressing has. It doesn't sound like that big of a deal, but like I am telling everyone right now, just hold out your arms in alignment your shoulder. Keep them up for longer than five minutes and tell me how you feel. Your body is not meant to do that for year after year. She started having some small problems when we moved here, but she needed to provide income and ignored it.

I found a few stories just like my moms, also she got most every fun thing they listed. My mom says this is a change for her, that she was very healthy and had no physical problems until about thirty.

This time around she's going to need a lot more help, not that it wasn't offered before but she would do things behind our backs. I want to do what I can to help. We are very different though and don't always get along. This only seems to get worse or better when she is not able to do things. She is someone that likes to get things done her way and only her way.

I hope everything doesn't go nuts now. It has that possibility, but then again, we've all done this before. Everyone is home more often now, so hopefully we'll be able to work together instead of just bumping elbows and getting in each other's way.

crazy myspace

In my mind myspace is the whore of the blogging community. All it does is get around. I hate myspace!!! I notice that here, my blog sits in a forgotten corner. I've shared this url with plenty of close friends, but it just stays at that. It's about myspace, not blogger. I know that on a more popular blog host it could be different, but I like this one. It's the one I found. Still it makes me a little angry that myspace is such an elite one stop shop that the rest can't be bothered with.

Different

I found an old letter today while making an attempt to clean this mess of legends I call my room. An old really sad letter that had different and tangled up emotions attached to it from the time I first read it. It reminded me of all the people I know or have known.

A part of getting older is watching familiar places and people - go or become changed. It's hard to think of how many loved ones I have had over the years. Along with that there is thinking about how I watched them branch out in different directions. I think of how many people I will still know in a year and can't count it on one hand.

There used to be a small handful of people my age in this neighborhood that I could call for stupid things. Things like- "hey did the power go out over art your house", or "hey I'm locked out can I hang out over here for a while?"

Different is the right word here. Different is the way I remember things. Different is the way I feel, and am.

Giant Penguins!!!!

In high school I had a fun and crazy friend named Wendy. We were around one another enough to have people mix our names up and it wasn't long before I responded to the name Wendy and the other way around.

We had this running joke about penguins, how they were diabolical birds that used their seemingly adorable appearances as a clever disguise. It went so far as to say that, yes, penguins are a growing evil that are now planning world domination and the enslavement of the human race.

That could have been true 40 million years ago (had we been around) Check this out-- bloody five foot tall penguins. Scientists found these skeletal remains of penguins in Peru. According to the first article, this could be the third largest bird to have ever existed.

Here is a CNN news linkfor a little more info, it's just too crazy of a story to buy into to one source. It seems like something that belongs on those National Enquirer magazines you find in the super market.

lol

71% Geek
71%

Mingle2.com

"being awake is swimming around in a lake of the undead"

Strangeness is beginning to bubble up again. Like my mom becoming speechless and screaming bloody murder for an entire minute at the sight of a squirrel nearing the house. This only made me believe there could only be a mutilated corpse in the backyard seeing how alarmed she was. She never screams like that even before she thinks an accident is about to happen because of my dads driving, she didn't even scream as bad as that when she fell on her shoulder that was healing from big operation.

I'm told this squirrel is very over-sized, but even so I don't understand the hype. She's wanting to get rid of this squirrel no matter what and has asked my brother a favor. He is eagerly awaiting the day he can purchase a gun and obtain a hunting permit and gladly volunteered to get rid of the squirrel. My dad had to tell him no son you can't eat the squirrel, being as he wants to eat one of every animal. He has plans to skin the little thing and hang the pelt on his door. I've told him I will go all out hippie if he attempts to do so.

I don't really see the need to kill a harmless squirrel, it hasn't entered our house or bitten anyone. A few years ago if I saw a squirrel it was like seeing a Zebra. We would all stop and point "oh my HECK it's a SQUIRREL!". I've always thought they were adorable, not the blackest of creatures from the abyss. If I am able I would like to catch this squirrel and let him go somewhere. It's better than the little guy getting skinned.

I've also decided that factories are still miserable in modern days. I worked for one last week and hell, it's not worth it... I was excited to work for a bakery again, but this wasn't the case. I was packaging bakery goods. I got a green hard hat slapped on my head, a flattering hairnet that put on like 5 years, ear plugs, and thick shoe covers. Anyone who has done a single repetitive task will know what I am about to explain. IT bloody hurts. I put packages into boxes all day using the same movements and it creates a lot of strain. Two hours in my whole back burned and I continued for four hours after. I'm sure after a while you adapt, with a bodily cost of course but damn. I could not lift my arms above my head, and when I mimicked the movement my arms wanted to snap off.

I loved seeing all the psychotic machines, I watched muffins come out of the wall all day through a conveyor belt. There were conveyor belts and large steel machines everywhere with big metal arms and other huge devices all about. There has got to be a zillion ways to lose a hand there. I felt like a kid watching these large contraptions at work.

Factories suck and squirrels don't eat people.
That is all

Ahh, shit

43%

Mingle² - Free Online Dating

Statues in the Park

I thought of you today
when I stopped before an equestrian statue
in the middle of a public square,

you who had once instructed me
in the code of these noble poses.

A horse rearing up with two legs raised,
you told me, meant the rider had died in battle.

If only one leg was lifted,
the man had elsewhere succumbed to his wounds;

and if four legs were touching the ground,
as they were in this case--
bronze hooves affixed to a stone base--
it meant that the man on the horse,

this one staring intently
over the closed movie theater across the street,
had died of a cause other than war.

In the shadow of the statue,
I wondered about the others
who had simply walked through life
without a horse, a saddle, or a sword--

pedestrians who could no longer
place on foot in front of the other.

I pictured statues of the sickly
recumbent on their cold stone bed,
the suicides toeing the marble edge,

statues of accident victims covering their eyes,
and murdered covering their wounds,
the drowned silently treading the air.

And there was I,
up on a rosy-gray block of granite
near a cluster of shad trees in the local park,
my name and dates pressed into a plaque,

down on my knees, eyes lifted,
praying to the passing clouds,
forever begging for just one more day.

-Billy Collins

surfing

ha. Fun little article right here for Wii, Nintendo, and gaming fans alike.

http://news.zdnet.com/2100-1040_22-6189553.html?part=rss&tag=feed&subj=zdnn

The best miis ever

http://miiplaza.net/user/2682732585897970/

Can smell it from here

INTERNET EXPLORER FOR MAC NO LONGER AVAILABLE FOR DOWNLOAD

In June 2003, the Microsoft Macintosh Business Unit announced that Internet Explorer for Mac would undergo no further development, and support would cease in 2005. In accordance with published support lifecycle policies, Microsoft ended support for Internet Explorer for Mac on December 31st, 2005, and is not providing any further security or performance updates.

Accordingly, as of January 31st, 2006, Internet Explorer for the Mac is no longer available for download from Microsoft. It is recommended that Macintosh users migrate to *more recent web browsing technologies* such as Apple's Safari.

***

It's not as forward as some would have it but you can pretty much see the scathing undertones of a long fought rivalry between the apple and the windows. Beautiful! While staying politically correct, paper thin sarcasm still found it's way in there.

I love it. lol

trying as best as I can

With every visit to the doctor I only get more frustrated, instead of comforted. I don't have the energy for it but I recognize that it's worse to be in the dark. It's a hard process for me and I usually go in a bit scared or flustered. After each time I realize that I have less and less faith in so called professionals and have to remember when it comes down to it- I'm just quizzing them on subjects they studied once upon a time in school and they may or may not be up to date.

I've been trying to come up with what to do for a job in the present. If I part time it and land an underrated job under 20 hours a week- hey guess what I get to still get funded for college. If I full time it and actually go a for a job I can feel proud of - I have to solo it for school but can get insurance amongst other things and might be able to move out again. There was a deep seated reason why I moved out in the first place and I am reminded of that at certain times.

I've decided that this time around I am going to need to be able to drive which will be quite the step to make. I'm 19, when you're expected to have that all covered by 16. I never got a whole lot of experience behind the wheel at that tender age of 16. I have my reasons for it and have done pretty well without driving. It has it's place still, so when the time is right and finances permit I'll be looking into getting a vehicle.

In the mean time I'm trying to resume what I'd do if I was feeling well anyway. It can be a challenge, just a day at a time I guess. I notice sometimes though that I spread my energy too thin and still do more than I should. It's something I need to watch, yes, but it keeps me going and it's the right adjustment to make overall.

I really appreciate the one who has been there for me through all of this, without a real reason right away. I know very well I can tackle most anything alone if I will it and yet you stubbornly persist in trying to help. No simple thankyou could communicate the gratitude I feel.

I bought new shoes tonight when I was wandering around town. I've been putting it off, but it got done when it seemed like the symbollic thing to do. I figured I needed something sturdy to walk on.

front page this morning

Utah County GOP delegate links illegal immigration to Satan

By Deborah Bulkeley
Deseret Morning News

The devil is sticking his pitchfork into the nation's immigration politics.
At least that's what one of Utah County's Republican delegates thinks.
Don Larsen, a district chairman, has submitted a resolution equating illegal immigration to "Satan's plan to destroy the U.S. by stealth invasion" for debate at Saturday's Utah County Republican Party Convention.
Referring to a plan by the devil for a "New World Order ... as predicted in the Scriptures," the resolution calls for the Utah County Republican Party to support "closing the national borders to illegal immigration to prevent the destruction of the U.S. by stealth invasion."
In part, the resolution states, "There are ways to destroy a nation other than with bombs or bullets. The mostly quiet and unspectacular invasion of illegal immigrants does not focus the attention of the nation the way open warfare does but is all the more insidious for its stealth and innocuousness."
Larsen did not immediately return Deseret Morning News phone calls for comment.
"I don't think you'd find very many Republicans to suggest that the devil is involved in the immigration issue," said Senate Majority Leader Curt Bramble, R-Provo, who is serving as convention chairman. "I don't think you'll find much support for that sentiment."
Bramble said the resolution is the only such proposal that was submitted before the deadline to be debated at this year's convention. It's at the end of the agenda, and Bramble said sometimes it's hard to find a quorum of delegates at the end of the day.
However, Bramble — who in 2005 sponsored a then-controversial measure to replace drivers' licenses of illegal immigrants with driving privilege cards that can't be used as state identification — said the resolution could be brought up.
If that happens, Bramble said, it likely would spark a discussion among delegates about how they'd like to see the party handle the issue of immigration.
"I think you'd find the majority of Republicans, and frankly the majority of Democrats, saying illegal immigration is not healthy for this country, the immigration system is broken and Congress has been an abject failure," he said. "The debate is how to address illegal immigration in the country, what is an acceptable proposal for a solution."
Joe Hunter, chief of staff for Rep. Chris Cannon, R-Utah, declined comment on the resolution. Cannon, whose district includes Utah County, has been drawn into primary battles on two occasions because of his vocal support for comprehensive immigration reform.
One of Cannon's key critics, Mike Sizer, a convention delegate and spokesman for the anti-illegal immigration group Utahns for Immigration Reform and Enforcement, said, "The vast, vast majority of the delegates are very logical. They are concerned about the issue. They don't want amnesty. ... I've never heard of (illegal immigration) as far as Satan's plan."

article can be found at http://www.deseretnews.com/dn/view/0,1249,660215179,00.html
*****

Quite the conspiracy coming out of the one from the right wing there, eh?

graves of public places

We've heard of high school shootings. It's not so hard to picture when you take into account out of proportion teenage angst added with some kid's negative environment. Today's news was hard to identify with because when I think of a university I think of a controlled atmosphere where matured minds are plenty and welcome. At Virginia Tech, the death toll made it up to 33 people.

There is only so much the rest of us can say about our reactions. Big events like these always seem like movies, but then again we are all watching it on t.v. lounging on the sofa. In the end it can affect us but we still can turn off the television. I've been trying to focus on this as a serious event and not just walk away and forget it with the next day. As much as it's natural to feel that it has nothing to do with me, it was something that may as well of happened across the world, I want to do my best to see it as a reality. Because some people can't just turn it off.

I imed a friend about it earlier all we could say were adjectives like "horrible" "terrible" and "unimaginable". It all felt so quaint to say. The newscasts showed the school's colorless buildings along with light slow falling snow which did something to seal the image for me. It even appeared to be a transformed environment. It's hard to grasp that a man would kill multiple people, people he never had a reason to hate.

After seeing the lives lost today, I was surprised by the tears that came and held a small vigil on my own. There are just some events that make you see little humanity in the world for a small amount of time. Discussing it helped, in these situations there are no easy answers. Especially since a murderer is also a victim, one can only guess at the instability he was facing. My deepest sympathies go out to all in the Roanoke communities.

should seem basic

When I look at my fingers striking different arrangements of keys in just seconds it amazes me. It's largely controlled by neural input and output, but still now and then it just catches me. I operate these hands.

When I was a kid I had a hard time understanding that I was alive, as funny as that sounds. I realized yes I was alive and had a living body like everyone else but it didn't feel that way. I was reminded of it when I felt pain but aside from that it didn't feel as if I were in a body. I felt like a spectator watching everything pass before me. Even now thoughts like that appear where I have to step back and remind myself. I think of it differently now after a recent scare of my own which I can't confirm or deny. A body feels basic, but so complex when it turns against you.

On the news they showed A.J. Walker, a person who was injured in the trolley square shootings. He had a tutor sitting with him at a table. They would flip over little cards with pictures on them, a panda, a rock, a train. After every time he pointed a finger at a card a silence would follow. Sometimes it would catch up with him and he could name that panda or that train. Other times it would take longer.

Even though in most aspects he was fine, I felt a sense of injustice seeing a grown person reduced to that. "How about this picture?" There are somethings that I need to see as given to someone, but even the most subtle but needed things can be stripped away. No one should ever have to face that. It still happened, and life seems all the more fragile.

When I delve into it there is so much more that that which gets to me. I understand I am still young and only know but a fraction of the world. I've sought comfort recently focusing on the fact that I'm not the only one having to fight a battle. I knew that there was so much worse out there.

I watched on the tv these brown starving eyes watch her mother wilt to her end from aids, shut away in the corner of some dilapidated shanty be unprepared to be an orphan. On another programming I saw a handful of children born with a disease which ages their little bodies beyond reason, four year olds plagued by arthritis, heart complications, strokes, and all ailments you only see at a very old age. With a more recent, local happening, that poor husband who watched as his house exploded with his wife and new baby. When I was younger I would notice but it seemed like it was happening in another universe, now I am able to understand the grave reality of it.

I think back on darker times in history, the holocaust, Mao's reign in China, the black death and so on. I know human suffering is not new. It breaks my heart to know of these things especially knowing that in all of these situations someone was there still pleaing for change with their nerves cut off. No matter how charged their will they couldn't save anyone. I've had a very different outlook lately.
In the end I am able to impart from these things but it is difficult to know that it is indeed there, while the rest of us go on like normal.

I'd do anything

I came to know
when
I locked my
hands around you
in protective circle
the thin bands of life
the tragedy of fragile.

then was knowing that even
if I had the will
of ages
still you could fall
still the Gods would laugh

at the walls of breath
at the shields of skin

and for pagan tries
at meaning.

to not remember

I managed to jump into a conversation the other day. I accidentally laughed out loud when a real estaste agent on the bus told the man across from him. An officer gave him a dui while riding a horse. He talked a bit about the court and the legal trouble. Whether it's true or not, it still has a lot of humor.

I talked a little to the old man who sat across from the real estate guy after he got off. This man was very eloquently spoken and cheerful. We talked a bit about busing and the driving population.

He mentioned an accident he was in and went on to the next thing. I stopped asked him a little about it. The details don't matter so much when you can't get them straight so I won't try to remember specifics and write them. On I 15, go figure, he got rearended by some guy going 80 or something. The car frame got all mangled, the drivers seat hit him in the back of the head. No one bothered to look for a body given the condition of the car and how it also looked empty. The tow truck man found him hours after it all. I really admired how this man could talk about it like he did, impartially summarized it all while treating it as real but without pity.

He said he lost a lot of memories. "It's just the little things that went missing, is all. There's just enough gone for me to notice." I think that's the only time he stopped from smiling.

I think I'm going to start a new notebook or something. Jot down every basic memory possible like empty road outside a window or a park from childhood. I can't imagine what it's like to lose large resources of memory. It's uniquely yours no one can ever restore it completely if something happens so that you lose some of it or time erases it. It's an idea at least.

" I want to have good news to report
everytime I come up for air"
- Ani DiFranco

blue and white

What is it with men and Ketchup? The bottled substance came up in conversation with my brother. He likes the stuff on cheetos. The connection seems clear - all the hard core ketchup fans have all been male. Next question- Does this statement make me sexist?

These weeks have been simple routine to wrap it all up. The biggest accomplishment : getting to the end of my game but haven't nuked the boss just yet. Wow, don't over do yourself there. Sheesh I really need to apply myself to something. How bout I jump on those plushies I've been talking about making?

I've had little to no ambition as far as the job hunt goes. I'm taking my time, the experience at sams was just too much.

I realized a little more the attitudes that I have ever since moving back in. I guess it doesn't help to be in an underparented atmosphere where whoever throws the biggest fit gets away with things. It makes me feel like theres not a whole lot I can do when a problem comes up simply because I'm not allowed to. I haven't been perfect, in fact I've just been getting worse, there are times when I am less than decent to my family, and its something that needs to end.

And more it bothers me that I haven't been asking myself how I can improve anymore and don't reach out as much. There are a few things I need to change.

One thing I do like is being up this late or early you choose to ask myself how I feel and what I think of things.

trails

Most things of this nature come to me in bleak and quiet hours of the morning. Night is when I think the most, which explains my staying up well past midnight. It's when there is more to be found on a subject that I go mad and spend hours tapping into it.

I love having the time to do this.

I feel a little like Galileo and his writing backwards to conceal his findings. My circumstance isn't so much life and death as his. The mode of questioning he was in and the rejections to that questioning state could be alike on a smaller level. All was done alone, and in silence. Everything that I found that I felt was valid was written down in an old math notebook.

There are fewer and fewer broken links from what I see. Still it's only beginning to connect. There is just so much you can mask under the banner of meaningful organization.

It's a start at least and definitely a better channel for all these unrelated current issues that rage on in my mind.

death to all computer liar thingys

I got stubborn with trying to install Diablo today. It says specifically that it is Mac compatible on the package but gets messier as you go along. I've been wild goose chasing all over the internet tonight. I am glad that my internet isn't down, I thought it was earlier.

So much for using the basic system requirements or above... I open the installer, and my computer tries to use a lite program called Classic. Classic is supposed to be used for OS version conflicts so you can still run the old programs they threw out. It all looks like they threw even the baby out with the bathwater after OS 9.

It's not set up properly, you have to have OS 9 handy to use Classic right. It notifies me when I click on the installer that there is no OS 9 system folder and asks for OS 9 to be installed. I went online to try and configure Classic and get an OS 9 reference for it. Couldn't find anything at apples website for the download. My $70 Apple support doesn't cover version conflicts. The forums say it's not even an extension, I have to download an installation copy of OS 9. Even better the link that it gives me to download is now expired. How consistent of you Apple, no really thank you.

I could get over it but then the mac read me says: " Diablo has a minimum requirement of System 7.5.5 or greater. Due to improvements in Apple’s System software, Diablo will perform best with System 7.6 and better. "


will perform best with System 7.6 and better..?!?!?!?!! Ahem? OSX 10.4.2 isn't going to be better?

Grrr...

I'm glad I looked at the Diablo mac support link again. I completely missed that it asked for users using Mac OSX need to email them specifically.

I'm going to get to the bottom of this, because if you say you're mac compatible, you'd better be mac compatible. What is frustrating is that Diablo II works and has a separate install for OSX. So Diablo II can work but not Diablo I? One comes before two! *sniffle sniffle*