switching off

I kept my tongue bit while sweeping the kitchen. I don't even have the leeway to not understand without being snapped at. I understand she is stressed but it's very parallel to how she normally is with everyone and it is hard to coexist at times. I thought about how she will only ever know her side of any given situation. Even still I'm the outspoken seemingly rash one. I stand up for myself when it comes to the important things and it sets my mom off to be challenged. She needs control but I can't sacrifice myself to that.

It reminded me of that old saying- two sides to every story. Two sides at least.
I have... sides. More than one. I'm just trying to find what is left of me.

I know what I need to be doing and will get on a more productive track, but the long lapse of productivity has been taking it's toll. I used to be a searching person. I feel I've lost that. I feel harsher and uninspired, my dreams are there, but way down there buried. I'm just trying to get back up on two feet, walk with one foot in front of the other and take comfort and pride in each small step.

I used to look at everything with rapt curiosity, I searched for the life and intent in everything. My heart used to be more open. I wasn't always so watchful and sarcastic in my head. I always have my bases covered. I've been shutting off or dumbing down major parts of me just to get by here without losing my head. That leads to me having days where I just stop having that kind of control and become moody to everyone.

There has been so much that has changed me.

It's been a wild ride about my health. I think I have been a little better, so I have delayed a walk to the walmart pharmacy for the antibiotics I was prescribed. I've been down that road before though and am skeptical though that would make the most sense. It definitely has been something for me to have to sort through.

There are days that I only want to stop, disappear. Maybe that is why we are wired to sleep, just to exit your immediate mind and this dizzy world for a few merciful hours each day.