In the ink of an eye I saw you bleed;
Through the thunder I could hear you scream,
Solid to the air I breath,
Open-eyed and fast asleep.
Falling softly as the rain;
No footsteps ringing in your ears.
Ragged down worn to the skin,
Warrior raging, have no fear.
Secure yourself to heaven.
Hold on tight, the night has come.
Fasten up your earthly burdens,
You have just begun.
Kneeling down with broken prayers,
Hearts and bones from days of youth.
Restless with an angel's wing,
I dig a grave to bury you.
No feet to fall,
You need no ground.
Allowed to glide right through the sun,
Released from circles guarded tight,
Now we all are chosen ones.
Secure yourself to heaven.
Hold on tight, the night has come.
Fasten up your earthly burdens,
You have just begun.
-Indigo Girls
Thursday, May 25, 2006
fasten up your earthly burdens you have just begun
This renegade’s on the chase again, clinging to whatever scraps of light. It’s so different just being out in the open... I had thought religion must always be associated with bureaucracy, with function being above the soul.
Church... um. Haven’t been in a month or so. I get curious about the ward in my new area but... It just stays a curiosity.
My mother is beginning to crack down on me for not recieving my patriarchal blessing yet. She’s been telling me it will be a blueprint to my path in life... I hate to watch her religious flutter, it actually scares me how she can appear to be so spiritual and be so rash and set in her ways.... Why is it that I feel so dangerous saying these things? Why have I always been so pressed to not look anywhere else but in one small corner?
John wrestles with Christianity, but whenever he and Tammie have troubles, he wanders off to the Lutheran church near the apartment. Says it’s peaceful. It is actually. So are the different church houses I’ve been to in my life. At the Buddhist temple you can definitely feel an energy. As far as feeling the ‘spirit’ goes it’s surprising on how I feel it and where. I don’t think I’ve lost it, many would say before my telling them of my church activity that I do have it. I love the quote ‘ the less I seek one source for one definitive, the closer I am to fine’. But it’s not always easy...
My struggle of the soul is not just limited to Mormonism, but to Christianity as a whole. The ideals of Salvation complex me, just the whole urgency of it... The motions of Salvation as well, it is either good or evil right or wrong. Is finding the value and depth of one’s soul such a uniform process? Can it just be found by looking at the stamps on each action and making a collective desicision to see if you’ve flunked out or not? Is it really about earning love and redemption from the father???
An obstacle I have to understanding any black and white process is it is heavily based on direct associations. Whatever happened to due process? Too many factors exist for such uniform establishments, even there are too many factors within factors. It leaves too much room for discrimination and less room for thinking for one’s self. It assumes we all have same goals. Yet there is that ticker in my head again ‘beware of he who is learned’.
It’s like running your bubble test sheet into one of those machines. In less than five seconds you have your score. It does not take into account your putting down (b) when you actually meant (c). It is a machine, it can never read your mind. Divine forces should be able to understand you as you are, an atypical mold. We can’t assume that every member of humanity has the same purpose.
Draining filters. In church they are taught that there is much that our carnal minds cannot begin to comprehend. Once we are in an eternal sphere our comprehension is expanded, not simplified. I believe that after this life our comprehension will be broadened and not condensed. Eternal descisions should not be made by an earthly order. Yet we are taught that it will all fall into good or evil, white or black. Well I’m sorry we’re not dealing with a posterized black and white portrait here. We are not even dealing with a grayscale image. We are dealing with life – an endless colorwheel of beautiful complexities.
It does sound appealing. To completely eliminate the evaluation process and replace it with but one law. But that leaves too much chance to prejudice.
I am not saying it is wrong to have a focus. It is very important to have and embrace basic values, but the essentials should not choke the framework and the framework should not bury the essentials. This can’t be seen in a rigid system fueled by opposing extremes because there is no room for factors of who one is. I do not believe there is evil out there, just imbalances, just confusion as to what to do with the complexities of one’s self. There was an amazing allusion in my book. The soul is like a packaged fixture, all the parts are included but some assembly is required. Sometimes we can make bad combinations. Individuals’ purposes become a mosaic, and if all are in balance with themselves. I see little embrace of diversity of thinking for oneself. Doing that is marked as a danger. However I look around and all dangerous functions try to sever the thought of an individual. Individuals are mediums in themselves, their own songs and palates of color. We are not scaled by some universal toner that plots us out into black and right.
I’ve never been the ideal student. Most of my life teachers have talked about my delayed homework. She needs to focus more on completing assignments. Little did my teachers know how much I took from those classes. I would get so intense in art and music lessons as you can probably imagine. Back then was when the sciences still fascinated me. I would trace the rings of Saturn, and told the substitude teacher maybe the gaseous planets were created by the trails of gases other planets left behind. When we did a section on the black rights movement I imagined myself out there marching, fueled to be speaking out with the crowds. Sometimes I was considered dull because I wouldn’t respond, I wouldn’t turn in homework. Because learning is judged by paperwork, five letters and a range of percentages that I did not earn, they measured my education by what I completed, never by what I learned. The system would not allow it’s own flexibility because setting standards was far more important than communicating the essentials of education.
Sometimes the education system reminds me of my previous religion. I would keep a still, quiet place in my soul hoping to listen. I would see others who would partake in ‘unrighteous’ acts tear up in the lessons when I was waiting patiently for my understanding to unfold. It was like others could pick up on it so quickly when I’d have to strain myself to understand the nature of God and righteousness.
In seminary class, Brother Evenhuis told us a story about a mother trying to illegally cross her country’s borders through a river with her small children, and new born in her arms. The young child could not handle the trauma and began to cry. Worried that she would be exposed and her children shot, she frantically tried to calm the baby. She stroked his cheek and brought the child to her breast to try to feed him, but his crying did not stop. With tears in her eyes she knew she had no choice. She looked at her other children who were clinging to her in fear.
She covered the baby’s mouth, it wasn’t enough. Broken and reluctant, she held her infant in her hands for the last time and held him below the icy waters as he struggled feebly confused by this act in his mothers caring arms. Hysterical tears rolled down her cheeks as her child took his last breaths. She could not even whimper else give her family away. If she had not done this, her other children and herself would have been caught and tortured by the guards. She wanted freedom of religion as a Mormon convert. Even still it was considered a sin- murder. She was granted repentance by the prophet after following a long process of interviews and...
In these kinds of systems actions can only be seen as actions, but there was no room to take into account her love for her children. It was truly a sorrowful situation, how could God not see this woman’s sacrifice? How could that inflexible system take this into account. Murder is murder. What pain this woman must have felt to do the best that she knew and in one desperate situation still be reprimanded for her loving concern and pursuit for her family.
I don’t know if you had watched the Torino Winter Olympics last year. I watched the team skating sessions. Having two left feet I have an appreciation for those with grace and the beauty of delicate movement. They appear to glide over the ice as if friction and gravity do not exist to them. I believe it was one of the Chinese pairs that were out on the ice. There was so much spirit contained in this dance. It appeared that the two were in perfect animated balance. As the man spun her through the air, she positioned her knee in the wrong alliance with her ankle and the balance was broken for a moment. After she fell she curled up on the ice, she had strained a muscle. She would have been in the lead, but that spin was crucial. She was carried to the normal ground, She tried again while in excruciating pain. Upon that difficult spin she landed right with some difficulty but landed all the same. What made her do this? Just ambition or was there something behind this? It was her sheer spirit there that allowed her to dance on a damaged leg, aside from pain. This was not included in the rubric, there was no way to incorporate spirit and a focused determination within the Olympic evaluation process. If you saw this, do you remember how powerful this was? Where was the room for spirit or passion? Doesn’t spirit and passion remove it from being just an act, just a movement?
Such processes ban inward values because they do not appear to be absolute or easily measured. I believe however that these should be taken into account. I can never support a self serving system which functions on blunt and rigid framework. Something as profound as the salvation of a soul cannot be charted out by measurements. I have a hard time seeing the view of any duality, in this cause that of black and white because of it’s bureaucratic funtionings.
I realize that salvation is based on boundaries of the sacred and profane. It leads to many who will fume and preach all mighty speeches of brimstone and fire when they can’t solve problems with the black and white formula.
I do not understand the nature of sin or the nature of a sin’s consequence. I recongnize that there are acts that can be commited that can deform one’s spirit. I recognize that anything that transcends this life will call for one’s ethics. What I do not understand is Christianity’s response to sin. A sin still remains a sin and that’s where the Savior comes in. If we recognize it, then Christ will complete it for us. Sins must be suffered for. Wrong deeds deserve correction, yes. But I cannot agree with the definition of correction. If a man commits an act harmful to his soul’s growth, but later recognizes the measures of this act and does his best to understand the nature of the act and truly takes accountability why should he still be punished? What if it made him stronger?
My shortcomings have built me in ways I cannot begin to describe. The process of which I look at my mistakes and correct the thinking -/ feelings that led to them is so much more valuable. Why should sin still remain a cost after the fact, after one has evaluated a wrong doing, and resolved the issue? Are sins really permanent black marks that cannot be corrected without a call from the big guy? Aren’t sins the nature of the act or ‘crime’ a failing of the heart? Or is it still the fact that a ‘crime’ was put down on a track record? WHY SHOULD IT BE TALLY MARKS ON THE WALL??? This Universal Law that is functioned on does not take this into account, so how is this love if it is so ignorant to this? This system’s basicness is actually frightening to me. It can never be observed deeper than the face value, because that would be robbing justice? My question is why does justice rob so much from mercy?
How is this justice? I believe that all are born good, but along the ways in our lives we are confronted with conflicting parts of ourselves and all sorts of complex situations. Some are lucky enough to be given wise parents who encourage growth, but many are not. Many adults are still trying to grow themselves. In fact some religions try to encourage marriage as early as possible... Children raising children? I could accept a lot more of this system if churches were more established, Be it Mormonism or Christianity. That way all could have an equal chance. This would be great if everyone could be born into what they were able to handle or an environment that would not block their growing. Look around do you see this? Does everyone have an equal chance? No. I do not believe that every one is only given challenges that they are able to handle. This is not justice. This justice continues to rob mercy. (How in the world were these two virtues considered opposites in the first place?) What makes it like this? Does commiting a sin really pollute the universe’s atmosphere? Offset some cosmic balance by virtue of track records???
On a side note I can’t believe as one general authority has said that we are only given trials that we are able to face. Okay... So what about toddlers who are beaten bloody and senselessly by their crack head mom?
I do not directly understand a universe’s requirement for blood and torture. In this respect I do not understand the Crucifixion, or the Atonement. This system of religion seems to communicate someone must pay for this and sacrifice. Why do wrong doings need to be suffered so gruesomely for? As I said earlier why is resolve not enough? I think personal resolve is very spiritual, powerful. Why beat someone who has suffered profusely at knowing they have made a grave mistake and actually worked build themselves better ethics?
If this universal law is higher than God than God is not all powerful. I do not understand it. This says we cannot learn by experience but I believe that experience is the most profound teacher. If you make a mistake, and feel that mistake and assume responsibility, and make a respectable effort to change why does one still need to be slapped around? We should be judged by heart and intent. Not because we spiritually misspell words or use improper grammar. But by the content of the message in our souls.
Excuse me if this appears to be blashemy. I am finally speaking from my heart when it comes to religion now, not fear of a deity. I mean not to harm anyone’s beliefs and think that Christianity is beneficial to some. But I do not feel that it need be pressed as the only path to growth and personal betterment.
I want to learn how to improve, to be able to embrace values larger than I. To have firmness in all that I do. To look deeply into all that I see and try harder to seek what I may have missed. I have nothing but respect for the power of the earth and existence itself. It is a journey, and this renegade has once again packed for more nomadic trails.
Church... um. Haven’t been in a month or so. I get curious about the ward in my new area but... It just stays a curiosity.
My mother is beginning to crack down on me for not recieving my patriarchal blessing yet. She’s been telling me it will be a blueprint to my path in life... I hate to watch her religious flutter, it actually scares me how she can appear to be so spiritual and be so rash and set in her ways.... Why is it that I feel so dangerous saying these things? Why have I always been so pressed to not look anywhere else but in one small corner?
John wrestles with Christianity, but whenever he and Tammie have troubles, he wanders off to the Lutheran church near the apartment. Says it’s peaceful. It is actually. So are the different church houses I’ve been to in my life. At the Buddhist temple you can definitely feel an energy. As far as feeling the ‘spirit’ goes it’s surprising on how I feel it and where. I don’t think I’ve lost it, many would say before my telling them of my church activity that I do have it. I love the quote ‘ the less I seek one source for one definitive, the closer I am to fine’. But it’s not always easy...
My struggle of the soul is not just limited to Mormonism, but to Christianity as a whole. The ideals of Salvation complex me, just the whole urgency of it... The motions of Salvation as well, it is either good or evil right or wrong. Is finding the value and depth of one’s soul such a uniform process? Can it just be found by looking at the stamps on each action and making a collective desicision to see if you’ve flunked out or not? Is it really about earning love and redemption from the father???
An obstacle I have to understanding any black and white process is it is heavily based on direct associations. Whatever happened to due process? Too many factors exist for such uniform establishments, even there are too many factors within factors. It leaves too much room for discrimination and less room for thinking for one’s self. It assumes we all have same goals. Yet there is that ticker in my head again ‘beware of he who is learned’.
It’s like running your bubble test sheet into one of those machines. In less than five seconds you have your score. It does not take into account your putting down (b) when you actually meant (c). It is a machine, it can never read your mind. Divine forces should be able to understand you as you are, an atypical mold. We can’t assume that every member of humanity has the same purpose.
Draining filters. In church they are taught that there is much that our carnal minds cannot begin to comprehend. Once we are in an eternal sphere our comprehension is expanded, not simplified. I believe that after this life our comprehension will be broadened and not condensed. Eternal descisions should not be made by an earthly order. Yet we are taught that it will all fall into good or evil, white or black. Well I’m sorry we’re not dealing with a posterized black and white portrait here. We are not even dealing with a grayscale image. We are dealing with life – an endless colorwheel of beautiful complexities.
It does sound appealing. To completely eliminate the evaluation process and replace it with but one law. But that leaves too much chance to prejudice.
I am not saying it is wrong to have a focus. It is very important to have and embrace basic values, but the essentials should not choke the framework and the framework should not bury the essentials. This can’t be seen in a rigid system fueled by opposing extremes because there is no room for factors of who one is. I do not believe there is evil out there, just imbalances, just confusion as to what to do with the complexities of one’s self. There was an amazing allusion in my book. The soul is like a packaged fixture, all the parts are included but some assembly is required. Sometimes we can make bad combinations. Individuals’ purposes become a mosaic, and if all are in balance with themselves. I see little embrace of diversity of thinking for oneself. Doing that is marked as a danger. However I look around and all dangerous functions try to sever the thought of an individual. Individuals are mediums in themselves, their own songs and palates of color. We are not scaled by some universal toner that plots us out into black and right.
I’ve never been the ideal student. Most of my life teachers have talked about my delayed homework. She needs to focus more on completing assignments. Little did my teachers know how much I took from those classes. I would get so intense in art and music lessons as you can probably imagine. Back then was when the sciences still fascinated me. I would trace the rings of Saturn, and told the substitude teacher maybe the gaseous planets were created by the trails of gases other planets left behind. When we did a section on the black rights movement I imagined myself out there marching, fueled to be speaking out with the crowds. Sometimes I was considered dull because I wouldn’t respond, I wouldn’t turn in homework. Because learning is judged by paperwork, five letters and a range of percentages that I did not earn, they measured my education by what I completed, never by what I learned. The system would not allow it’s own flexibility because setting standards was far more important than communicating the essentials of education.
Sometimes the education system reminds me of my previous religion. I would keep a still, quiet place in my soul hoping to listen. I would see others who would partake in ‘unrighteous’ acts tear up in the lessons when I was waiting patiently for my understanding to unfold. It was like others could pick up on it so quickly when I’d have to strain myself to understand the nature of God and righteousness.
In seminary class, Brother Evenhuis told us a story about a mother trying to illegally cross her country’s borders through a river with her small children, and new born in her arms. The young child could not handle the trauma and began to cry. Worried that she would be exposed and her children shot, she frantically tried to calm the baby. She stroked his cheek and brought the child to her breast to try to feed him, but his crying did not stop. With tears in her eyes she knew she had no choice. She looked at her other children who were clinging to her in fear.
She covered the baby’s mouth, it wasn’t enough. Broken and reluctant, she held her infant in her hands for the last time and held him below the icy waters as he struggled feebly confused by this act in his mothers caring arms. Hysterical tears rolled down her cheeks as her child took his last breaths. She could not even whimper else give her family away. If she had not done this, her other children and herself would have been caught and tortured by the guards. She wanted freedom of religion as a Mormon convert. Even still it was considered a sin- murder. She was granted repentance by the prophet after following a long process of interviews and...
In these kinds of systems actions can only be seen as actions, but there was no room to take into account her love for her children. It was truly a sorrowful situation, how could God not see this woman’s sacrifice? How could that inflexible system take this into account. Murder is murder. What pain this woman must have felt to do the best that she knew and in one desperate situation still be reprimanded for her loving concern and pursuit for her family.
I don’t know if you had watched the Torino Winter Olympics last year. I watched the team skating sessions. Having two left feet I have an appreciation for those with grace and the beauty of delicate movement. They appear to glide over the ice as if friction and gravity do not exist to them. I believe it was one of the Chinese pairs that were out on the ice. There was so much spirit contained in this dance. It appeared that the two were in perfect animated balance. As the man spun her through the air, she positioned her knee in the wrong alliance with her ankle and the balance was broken for a moment. After she fell she curled up on the ice, she had strained a muscle. She would have been in the lead, but that spin was crucial. She was carried to the normal ground, She tried again while in excruciating pain. Upon that difficult spin she landed right with some difficulty but landed all the same. What made her do this? Just ambition or was there something behind this? It was her sheer spirit there that allowed her to dance on a damaged leg, aside from pain. This was not included in the rubric, there was no way to incorporate spirit and a focused determination within the Olympic evaluation process. If you saw this, do you remember how powerful this was? Where was the room for spirit or passion? Doesn’t spirit and passion remove it from being just an act, just a movement?
Such processes ban inward values because they do not appear to be absolute or easily measured. I believe however that these should be taken into account. I can never support a self serving system which functions on blunt and rigid framework. Something as profound as the salvation of a soul cannot be charted out by measurements. I have a hard time seeing the view of any duality, in this cause that of black and white because of it’s bureaucratic funtionings.
I realize that salvation is based on boundaries of the sacred and profane. It leads to many who will fume and preach all mighty speeches of brimstone and fire when they can’t solve problems with the black and white formula.
I do not understand the nature of sin or the nature of a sin’s consequence. I recongnize that there are acts that can be commited that can deform one’s spirit. I recognize that anything that transcends this life will call for one’s ethics. What I do not understand is Christianity’s response to sin. A sin still remains a sin and that’s where the Savior comes in. If we recognize it, then Christ will complete it for us. Sins must be suffered for. Wrong deeds deserve correction, yes. But I cannot agree with the definition of correction. If a man commits an act harmful to his soul’s growth, but later recognizes the measures of this act and does his best to understand the nature of the act and truly takes accountability why should he still be punished? What if it made him stronger?
My shortcomings have built me in ways I cannot begin to describe. The process of which I look at my mistakes and correct the thinking -/ feelings that led to them is so much more valuable. Why should sin still remain a cost after the fact, after one has evaluated a wrong doing, and resolved the issue? Are sins really permanent black marks that cannot be corrected without a call from the big guy? Aren’t sins the nature of the act or ‘crime’ a failing of the heart? Or is it still the fact that a ‘crime’ was put down on a track record? WHY SHOULD IT BE TALLY MARKS ON THE WALL??? This Universal Law that is functioned on does not take this into account, so how is this love if it is so ignorant to this? This system’s basicness is actually frightening to me. It can never be observed deeper than the face value, because that would be robbing justice? My question is why does justice rob so much from mercy?
How is this justice? I believe that all are born good, but along the ways in our lives we are confronted with conflicting parts of ourselves and all sorts of complex situations. Some are lucky enough to be given wise parents who encourage growth, but many are not. Many adults are still trying to grow themselves. In fact some religions try to encourage marriage as early as possible... Children raising children? I could accept a lot more of this system if churches were more established, Be it Mormonism or Christianity. That way all could have an equal chance. This would be great if everyone could be born into what they were able to handle or an environment that would not block their growing. Look around do you see this? Does everyone have an equal chance? No. I do not believe that every one is only given challenges that they are able to handle. This is not justice. This justice continues to rob mercy. (How in the world were these two virtues considered opposites in the first place?) What makes it like this? Does commiting a sin really pollute the universe’s atmosphere? Offset some cosmic balance by virtue of track records???
On a side note I can’t believe as one general authority has said that we are only given trials that we are able to face. Okay... So what about toddlers who are beaten bloody and senselessly by their crack head mom?
I do not directly understand a universe’s requirement for blood and torture. In this respect I do not understand the Crucifixion, or the Atonement. This system of religion seems to communicate someone must pay for this and sacrifice. Why do wrong doings need to be suffered so gruesomely for? As I said earlier why is resolve not enough? I think personal resolve is very spiritual, powerful. Why beat someone who has suffered profusely at knowing they have made a grave mistake and actually worked build themselves better ethics?
If this universal law is higher than God than God is not all powerful. I do not understand it. This says we cannot learn by experience but I believe that experience is the most profound teacher. If you make a mistake, and feel that mistake and assume responsibility, and make a respectable effort to change why does one still need to be slapped around? We should be judged by heart and intent. Not because we spiritually misspell words or use improper grammar. But by the content of the message in our souls.
Excuse me if this appears to be blashemy. I am finally speaking from my heart when it comes to religion now, not fear of a deity. I mean not to harm anyone’s beliefs and think that Christianity is beneficial to some. But I do not feel that it need be pressed as the only path to growth and personal betterment.
I want to learn how to improve, to be able to embrace values larger than I. To have firmness in all that I do. To look deeply into all that I see and try harder to seek what I may have missed. I have nothing but respect for the power of the earth and existence itself. It is a journey, and this renegade has once again packed for more nomadic trails.
Monday, May 22, 2006
nature of the beast...
Between falling off a scooter and banging my head on an unseen bar well it’s been a wondrous two days.
I realized that management has been too flooded with personal emergencies from at least four different employees to actually respond to any mishandling. I still feel twinges of guilt though whenever Jamie (not to be confused with the other chick fighting Jamie) comes in with a medical note, in the chokehold of a neck brace. I could barely even talk to her. She could barely look at me, be it a lack of neck movement or whatever...
When I had taken her shift she told me she could cover a shift if I wanted later in the week. My supervisor had thought Jamie would cover my shift the next day in return and called to make sure. That morning I had not been looking forward to work because I was getting nauseated and other fun things. Jamie had said if I took her shift she would take my Sunday shift if I wanted, but I never responded. I asked Liz if it would be okay if we swapped shifts cause I wasn’t feeling well. She said it wouldn’t be a problem.
Jamie had forgotten it because no set plans were made to take that shift and said she would be in soon enough. But I was recalled in again. Jamie called apologizing saying she had just been in a car crash, a bad one. The shift was mine again I asked to stay off the register afraid I would seriously mess up.
As if my concern for Jamie had not been enough Keelee, one of my coworkers, kept on asking me intruding questions the entire night with that undertone of blame in her voice. “Well if you feel alright then why’d you try to call in? ”she’d ask accusingly. Since when have I ever told anyone who has casually asked me how I was, how I really was?
I recognize that it wasn’t my fault, but even still, had I not had her swap that shift... I don’t think she’s holding anything against me. Still she will always remember that whose shift she would take. Ugh... Retail once again rears it’s ugly head in all it’s do or die complications.
I realized that management has been too flooded with personal emergencies from at least four different employees to actually respond to any mishandling. I still feel twinges of guilt though whenever Jamie (not to be confused with the other chick fighting Jamie) comes in with a medical note, in the chokehold of a neck brace. I could barely even talk to her. She could barely look at me, be it a lack of neck movement or whatever...
When I had taken her shift she told me she could cover a shift if I wanted later in the week. My supervisor had thought Jamie would cover my shift the next day in return and called to make sure. That morning I had not been looking forward to work because I was getting nauseated and other fun things. Jamie had said if I took her shift she would take my Sunday shift if I wanted, but I never responded. I asked Liz if it would be okay if we swapped shifts cause I wasn’t feeling well. She said it wouldn’t be a problem.
Jamie had forgotten it because no set plans were made to take that shift and said she would be in soon enough. But I was recalled in again. Jamie called apologizing saying she had just been in a car crash, a bad one. The shift was mine again I asked to stay off the register afraid I would seriously mess up.
As if my concern for Jamie had not been enough Keelee, one of my coworkers, kept on asking me intruding questions the entire night with that undertone of blame in her voice. “Well if you feel alright then why’d you try to call in? ”she’d ask accusingly. Since when have I ever told anyone who has casually asked me how I was, how I really was?
I recognize that it wasn’t my fault, but even still, had I not had her swap that shift... I don’t think she’s holding anything against me. Still she will always remember that whose shift she would take. Ugh... Retail once again rears it’s ugly head in all it’s do or die complications.
Monday, May 15, 2006
smork work
My mac is being a real beast right now. So if anyone knows a good mac techie please let me know. Internet complications... For now we have the internet on John's computer. Even still it's nice to have ready access that I can use whenever I want or need to. I haven't had ready internet for about four years now. 'Tis rather nice.
It feels so refreshing to be out of school finally. No more hitting books over my head... No more history proffessor with an anarchist ciriculum. No more earliness.
It's all the more bearable when it's not early. Earliness is evilness. I can actually read now without feeling guitly for not reading my textbooks. lol. Freedom! There is so much that I am able to do now with time. If I didn't have bills then I'd have more time but living on my own is rather convenient.
All is going well right now. I'll cap off all the Polliannaish comments, but lets just say this past week has been, well, nice. :)
I finally applied to convergys today. Commies. The recruiter asked if I had been reffered by an employee. Yes. They can't do it by people's names though, you need to provide the employee's ID number. What the heck! Sorry, names are out now, forgot to get the number inscribed on the back of her neck. All apologies, I'm just a little critical of U.S. culture at the moment.
Even still, a desk job is going to be nice. At Savers I am all over the place, running racks, unloading trucks, cashiering... Bleh. Oldness.
It feels so refreshing to be out of school finally. No more hitting books over my head... No more history proffessor with an anarchist ciriculum. No more earliness.
It's all the more bearable when it's not early. Earliness is evilness. I can actually read now without feeling guitly for not reading my textbooks. lol. Freedom! There is so much that I am able to do now with time. If I didn't have bills then I'd have more time but living on my own is rather convenient.
All is going well right now. I'll cap off all the Polliannaish comments, but lets just say this past week has been, well, nice. :)
I finally applied to convergys today. Commies. The recruiter asked if I had been reffered by an employee. Yes. They can't do it by people's names though, you need to provide the employee's ID number. What the heck! Sorry, names are out now, forgot to get the number inscribed on the back of her neck. All apologies, I'm just a little critical of U.S. culture at the moment.
Even still, a desk job is going to be nice. At Savers I am all over the place, running racks, unloading trucks, cashiering... Bleh. Oldness.
damn facists
It literally amazed me. When did the course of needless procedure ever become more important than the worth or suffering of an individual? It's long since been this way I'm aware. I don't know... Every now and again I tire of living in a system where my being present is no proof of my participation. It upsets me that my social security number is worth more than I am, my ID can only prove who I am. Why should I approve of such a impersonal system? Americans seem so consumed by individuality that by the time the divisions are made no one has anything but statistical worth.
This concept made me boil once again on Saturday. What makes this okay? I had been running around mindlessly about work all day, unloading donations, training a new hire, being the only cashier for three hours. At the end of my shift I had had it. I was ready to just go home. While I was counting out, my coworker Jamie asked me if I was leaving, what time I had come in.
She seemed like she was somewhere else. Really shook up. Then she told me she felt horrible for having to ask me, but there was an emergency. She had called in work with a family emergency, at which they told her to find someone to cover else still come to work. Else she would lose her job! Lose her job??? WHAT? Why the hell does her having an emergency make her such a severe inconvenience??? The supervisors were more worried about Greg's staunch demands for clean store orderliness than they were sensitive to Jamie.
Jamie could barely even talk. She told me that her grandfather had just had a stroke. He was in the hospital, with a few hours to live. It would probably be the last time she could see him. She was going with her folks to go say family prayer with him. Some one was dying. DYING! I can hardly come up for a better reason NOT to come to work.
I took her shift. I told her was very upset at the management. That was an understatement. After Jamie left I could barely even talk for a different reason. I was pissed off that she was handled so coldly. I'm not even sure of the LEGALITY of their decision. I stopped caring about how I had worked all day, because all anyone could think about what work, work, work. What the hell!!!
As one of you can testify to, I was completely disturbed by such insensitive carelessness. lol. You were the only one that day that bothered listened to my bantering... thanks.
This concept made me boil once again on Saturday. What makes this okay? I had been running around mindlessly about work all day, unloading donations, training a new hire, being the only cashier for three hours. At the end of my shift I had had it. I was ready to just go home. While I was counting out, my coworker Jamie asked me if I was leaving, what time I had come in.
She seemed like she was somewhere else. Really shook up. Then she told me she felt horrible for having to ask me, but there was an emergency. She had called in work with a family emergency, at which they told her to find someone to cover else still come to work. Else she would lose her job! Lose her job??? WHAT? Why the hell does her having an emergency make her such a severe inconvenience??? The supervisors were more worried about Greg's staunch demands for clean store orderliness than they were sensitive to Jamie.
Jamie could barely even talk. She told me that her grandfather had just had a stroke. He was in the hospital, with a few hours to live. It would probably be the last time she could see him. She was going with her folks to go say family prayer with him. Some one was dying. DYING! I can hardly come up for a better reason NOT to come to work.
I took her shift. I told her was very upset at the management. That was an understatement. After Jamie left I could barely even talk for a different reason. I was pissed off that she was handled so coldly. I'm not even sure of the LEGALITY of their decision. I stopped caring about how I had worked all day, because all anyone could think about what work, work, work. What the hell!!!
As one of you can testify to, I was completely disturbed by such insensitive carelessness. lol. You were the only one that day that bothered listened to my bantering... thanks.
Friday, May 05, 2006
test tube project?
AHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAH! There is another Whitney Lomax out there, perhaps even two!
Creepiness!!
While surfing online i found all sorts of Whitneyness
Whitney Trails
Creepiness!!
While surfing online i found all sorts of Whitneyness
Whitney Trails
I think the funniest I found was on a soap opera board called Passions. Whitney and Lomax are characters in a soap opera. A few people go off swoon over how perfect the two are for each other.
lol, anything to keep me alive between finals......
Tuesday, May 02, 2006
breaking a hold, holding a breaking
Classes are out now, all that is left are my finals. My work schedule is still centered around my old school schedule. I'm alone most of the day here, and it's taking some adjustment. Here, no one calls me Nae or steals my socks. Before I had decided to move out, I had just begun to repair relations with my dad and he wasn't always easy to reach. It wasn't easy to see him get so choked up about my leaving. I've never seen him that way before on my account.
Another thing that is hard to get down is being completely winded down. Living with a friend requires a social attitude. It's yet to come to the point where we can walk past one another and think nothing of it (is she sad, upset, not feeling good why did she not look at me) Always when I see my roommate. I don't mind being social, I love being social but all of the time? Hopefully as we both adjust to this place, it will settle to where we don't feel a need to remain in that entertaining mindset that is common when spending a bit of time with a friend... I still can't believe that a guy lives here. He's seen some hard times though, so he's here for a little while. I had always told myself I wouldn't live with a guy, though liberal I get a little Victorian when it comes to my relationship values. Not that I believe everyone should be this way, but I am only saying this is the way I feel.
My mom tends to put on more of a social face when I visit. I'd wondered what it would feel like, to get the warmth she sends to her customers, friends. Now that I'm away it makes it easier to get along with her, we don't clash as much. My dad seems confused when I visit. I've become a visitor... He seems so tired all the time. Now and then he'll say something that I never even knew about him, living in Oregon, school in Chicago, a girl he used to know. Ever since I've left he seems more and more choked, like he's living a life he doesn't understand. It makes me sad to see him pacify so much because those around him past and present don't value open communication.
Hate to sound cliche (in relation to my writings ) but everything about my familiar is being challenged. My previous religion is becoming a strange mist. Yet because of this a new hope has arisen to me. My concept of home has been completely diminished and it feels like being tossed around by waves between places. Brendon seems to have evaporated. My functioning and devotion to school is getting shaky. With all that money on tuition why can't I get myself to care? These subjects light up my mind and I'm positive you have all heard me blabber about the concepts and discussions in class. It's just the that the bueacracy caught up to me a little more now that school isn't my central focus. Life is becoming nomadic for me, when all I ever wanted was a firm claim to my own roots. In between all of this is extensive soul searching. What is betterment, goodness? I can't describe how disconnected I feel with so much happening...
I think I've seen another bitter truth. Someone who you have an unresolved issue with will always remember you when you stay out of contact. Because it's unresolved. After you set time aside to resolve this with a person, that remembrance can fade. It's easier for that person to forget what is going well... I would hope that people aren't this disposable. After all I believe that 'I am a part of all I have met'. Or this could just be my inner hippie who longs for harmony and maybe a touch of balance. Balance in a world where the scales are rigged already.
Another thing that is hard to get down is being completely winded down. Living with a friend requires a social attitude. It's yet to come to the point where we can walk past one another and think nothing of it (is she sad, upset, not feeling good why did she not look at me) Always when I see my roommate. I don't mind being social, I love being social but all of the time? Hopefully as we both adjust to this place, it will settle to where we don't feel a need to remain in that entertaining mindset that is common when spending a bit of time with a friend... I still can't believe that a guy lives here. He's seen some hard times though, so he's here for a little while. I had always told myself I wouldn't live with a guy, though liberal I get a little Victorian when it comes to my relationship values. Not that I believe everyone should be this way, but I am only saying this is the way I feel.
My mom tends to put on more of a social face when I visit. I'd wondered what it would feel like, to get the warmth she sends to her customers, friends. Now that I'm away it makes it easier to get along with her, we don't clash as much. My dad seems confused when I visit. I've become a visitor... He seems so tired all the time. Now and then he'll say something that I never even knew about him, living in Oregon, school in Chicago, a girl he used to know. Ever since I've left he seems more and more choked, like he's living a life he doesn't understand. It makes me sad to see him pacify so much because those around him past and present don't value open communication.
Hate to sound cliche (in relation to my writings ) but everything about my familiar is being challenged. My previous religion is becoming a strange mist. Yet because of this a new hope has arisen to me. My concept of home has been completely diminished and it feels like being tossed around by waves between places. Brendon seems to have evaporated. My functioning and devotion to school is getting shaky. With all that money on tuition why can't I get myself to care? These subjects light up my mind and I'm positive you have all heard me blabber about the concepts and discussions in class. It's just the that the bueacracy caught up to me a little more now that school isn't my central focus. Life is becoming nomadic for me, when all I ever wanted was a firm claim to my own roots. In between all of this is extensive soul searching. What is betterment, goodness? I can't describe how disconnected I feel with so much happening...
I think I've seen another bitter truth. Someone who you have an unresolved issue with will always remember you when you stay out of contact. Because it's unresolved. After you set time aside to resolve this with a person, that remembrance can fade. It's easier for that person to forget what is going well... I would hope that people aren't this disposable. After all I believe that 'I am a part of all I have met'. Or this could just be my inner hippie who longs for harmony and maybe a touch of balance. Balance in a world where the scales are rigged already.
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