When I talk about my innerworkings, it sounds strange. Mostly because people don't usually go in as indepth as to explain every little personal symbol or perception.
I can only hope that it doesn't come across tainted, misconstrued, or frightened. It's just flat out honesty that I am trying to provide, but I'm not used to speaking that upfront at such lengths and without defenses. But if I was scared of how I sound, I wouldn't say it at all. It's not that I am nervous that I will make an impression, it just that i want to leave something that's closest to the truth.
There is a lot of thinking that's involved, editing, reviewing before I say anything which is a habit. Partially because I remember vividly most every indepth personal conversation I have with someone. As such I get a little awkward when I know it could be going down in the records books. the ironic advice I give to myself "act natural" just doesn't cut it.
I still don't know why I become so shy when I explain my views around you, probably out of respect, and in those situations I only know how to observe not how to involve myself.
It just doesn't come with ease. All that bullshit you can look through
and find all these shy strings of reason braiding together in a thick cord is a big reason why I see what I do in you.
Just more and more I find myself shy about these things and my own thoughts. I can speak my mind and about myself and my ways when I'm seeing red and mortally pissed off or in casual conversation, but not so well in an upfront purpose. It's new territory.
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Well I'm sure that whomever you are dealing with in this manner is trying to set you up for something. Now step aside from that context of foreboding and realize the possibilities.
I'm finding it harder and harder to fathom how someone could ever be so untrusting, defended or hateful as to ever cause deliberate harm to what another person is, or believes in as true.
And by the latter part, I'm more strictly referring to as what is true, rather than what they believe.
I guess I've always been the trusting sort, and I've never been one to hold grudges, so it's easy for me to see those things and find them hard to understand, let alone acknowledge and believe.
I guess I've only had a few rare and interspersed instances where I had a run in with absolute hate or foreboding, and certainly not in the last few years.
All of that is behind me now. All of that is only news and a headline.
Maybe the person to whom you address merely wants to share that security with you.
You don't need to act natural, there's nothing natural about you (or there is everything natural about you), you merely need to find yourself and be sure that is what you want.
Know thyself.
That person will understand whichever you choose. That or they're not worth your time.
PS: You write lots all of the sudden, I have checked every day for a week, now, BLAM!!! Three posts.
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