little plastic castle

Perhaps I am doing good, the week has proved to be ‘khaotic’ and atypical, call it what you will.

Caity called me, after I swore to call her. I am terrible at calling people these days, migrating between cities usually takes a mental toll on me. I would go to my apartment more often but I can’t even rest knowing that in less than six hours I will get ready two hours earlier than usual, to take off to work, to go see so and so etc.

I’m about ready to pummel a few of her family members. Her breaking the news of being pregnant didn’t go so well with them. These days the boundaries of unconditional familial love are paper thin. How can they just treat her like a shame on their name. Her grandparents kicked her out, screamed at how worthless she was, and how she’s going to have to slave away to get any apology. One of them started breaking things, went on and on telling her how embarrising she was to the rest of the family. Hello? She’s taking the steps to be responsible, and is not afraid.

Ok, so much vanity in the family reputation we’re sorry, it just taxes on our needing to care about you in unfavorable weather. Bullshit.

As if this isn’t enough they are prolonging the frenzy by saying she’s also screwed up by where she chooses to get married. More like where not to. “How are you supposed to get to the temple and recieve it’s ordinances now? You are no longer worthy.”

I told her I didn’t care where she will or will not choose to have the ceremony at. I told her temple or not, your marriage will be worth something. No matter where you choose it to be. She loves him, she is preparing to be a mother and looking forward to it, I don’t see what the problem is. Her love for her fiancee is not any less, and the origin is not an insult to her child as they would suggest. I am just tired of people violently persecuting others, no, not just others, but family kin over bigotry and technicalities and zealotry over their own damn collective reputation.

That was how the week began. I’ve just felt so fragile towards others as of late.

Alycia, a physically handicapped girl and daughter of an old coworker came into my work the other day. I love the way that she looks at things, so distant and adoring of whatever she fixes upon. I would love to see through her eyes, she seems to have this unfiltered love for all the little things, for people and such. I remember her stare adoringly at two Chinese sculptures, ones that I never even looked twice at, (the detail, it’s ornamented so beautifully it’s so white!) She’s so softspoken, she waited ten minutes to just catch my eye to tell me she couldn’t hold her things anymore (due to her condition) so afraid to interupt anyone.

I asked her what her plans were now that she had graduated. Alycia talked of hopes of going into linguistics and law, hoping to aim for a position in the white house. She told me this between many short breaths, with a thin smile on her face. She hopes to go to law school. I just... She seems so delicate and softspoken, more sounded like a dream than anything. I really wanted that dream to be her most aimiable goal. That she would reach all that she hoped for. That her dream could be within reach. However I think of the skepticism and hard edged demands and specific qualifications that career would require and think, she would be eaten alive. Her hopes were so pure and raw. I watched everything about her light up as she explained this and I looked away, tears welling up.

I had a customer ask me about a blanket, I answered her question quickly and before going back to cleaning, told her she had beautiful green eyes, She said other wise and confessed she had been crying. Her ex husband had gotten into a car wreck and is in critical condition. Something about his arm being cut off, something about her wanting and not wanting to tell him how she feels about his drinking again. Or how she feels about his well being. Later when I was thrown on the register, I asked her further on...

Then there is Liz who doesn't know how much courage she has to watch her four year old go through his brain surgery, he's been in a haze of seditatives, sometimes responds when she is there. The swelling has been horrible and well he may just require additional surgeries due to hemorraging.

This week I have been increasingly sensitive to these things, however not injured by them. but just troubled by the complex habitat we all badly maim each other in our attempts to ‘share’ or just not share at all. It just seems like hard times for everyone these days.

Hearing Anna break into tears over my answering machine totally... Or Tammie look at me hopefully each time I tell her I am leaving, hoping I will come back. I swear she’s already accepted me as family and yet, here I am her roomate that has to pay visits to see her. There's my mom crying about her unpaid bills, and...

It's the life we live.

It’s just been a dismal week.