Ohkay someone explain this.
How come Eiffel 65's "blue" never fails to get me excited? This another ramen complex?
Sheesh.
Or just shush, I am hearing a distant call, yes yes the circus. They'd do well with someone of my sort.
lol.
Friday, July 28, 2006
Thursday, July 27, 2006
So Called Chaos
Funny, sad, interesting, common responses of mine. I want to get past learned responses, expectations of responses in conversations.
My mom became audibly comptemplative today, sweeping up the shop. "what is life about anyway, I mean theres gotta be a purpose." My jaw dropped right open, I rarely hear her say anything full of thought like that. It's unlike her usual topics, neighborhood gossip, nice little doses of high contrast religion, flow of the day, wanting to be rich again like when she was single, or humorous responses. She usually laughs at questions like that but with her back to the door, she looked down at her cracked hands withered away by shampoos and coloring chemicals, asked herself what purpose meant. She'd talk like that sometimes after her knee surgery, couped up in her room. That kind of talk from her will usually surprise me. Driving around, she pointed up at the moon, "i like those thin moons". Just seeing her in a rare state of wonder was satisfying.
Dreams are something I have been thinking about alot lately.
Everyone has dreams kept far from public. We usually see dreams only as just that --far. The present almost doesn't exist to us as humans. Always clouded by the trails of fear tread in the past, and an anxiety about the slow and thick curtain of the future. Only the known and the unknown. The current moment usually can't be lived, we as humans are scattered about in different times and places, never really completely present where we stand. Always clawing and and holding empty grips for more, and more once the ordered supply has arrived. We seem to judge things only by impressions and predictions, beforehand, and long reviews after the matter. But should we really have to have the door slammed shut?
Do things really need to leave before people can know the worth of something? I don't think so.
Why do we always hang our dreams up so high up and far away from us? Like the porchlight Gatsby would stare off at musingly, a speck of green in the distance. The pursuit had polluted him, he expected it to be more, to be different, to be enrapturing. He never could stay mystified by that light, or the woman who lit the light at dusk upclose, as the way he could from a distant stance. He loved mostly the tease, the luring of the dream, not the attainment of the dream.
Not to say that being subserviently content is the answer either. There is also danger in that. Awareness and a willingness to appreciate is all that is required. We shouldn't confuse the feeling of achievement with a drunken like bliss, or expect to be completely swept away. Live yourself into all things to misquote or requote Miss Keller. Why assume that achievement of our dreams will reduce themselves to our whims?
Emily Dickinson wrote "You love me best when I refuse". Though this is different from the topic of how we covet our dreams and easily discard them afterward, it can apply. No will drive someone up a wall. Yes, well, we expect yes. We stamp and label yes, treat it to dazzling lights, trumpeting music in the background of found glory. While aspiring and expecting dreams, We become petty, shooting off preferences at first sight of a yes. It shouldn't have to be you never know what you had until you've lost it. We need to know how to evaluate what is right with us, when it is with us. Past, present and future should be equally embraced, balanced and observed.
I really do believe that current humanity is afraid of anything too raw. We want coffee but not without milk, a pinch of sugar.
My mom became audibly comptemplative today, sweeping up the shop. "what is life about anyway, I mean theres gotta be a purpose." My jaw dropped right open, I rarely hear her say anything full of thought like that. It's unlike her usual topics, neighborhood gossip, nice little doses of high contrast religion, flow of the day, wanting to be rich again like when she was single, or humorous responses. She usually laughs at questions like that but with her back to the door, she looked down at her cracked hands withered away by shampoos and coloring chemicals, asked herself what purpose meant. She'd talk like that sometimes after her knee surgery, couped up in her room. That kind of talk from her will usually surprise me. Driving around, she pointed up at the moon, "i like those thin moons". Just seeing her in a rare state of wonder was satisfying.
Dreams are something I have been thinking about alot lately.
Everyone has dreams kept far from public. We usually see dreams only as just that --far. The present almost doesn't exist to us as humans. Always clouded by the trails of fear tread in the past, and an anxiety about the slow and thick curtain of the future. Only the known and the unknown. The current moment usually can't be lived, we as humans are scattered about in different times and places, never really completely present where we stand. Always clawing and and holding empty grips for more, and more once the ordered supply has arrived. We seem to judge things only by impressions and predictions, beforehand, and long reviews after the matter. But should we really have to have the door slammed shut?
Do things really need to leave before people can know the worth of something? I don't think so.
Why do we always hang our dreams up so high up and far away from us? Like the porchlight Gatsby would stare off at musingly, a speck of green in the distance. The pursuit had polluted him, he expected it to be more, to be different, to be enrapturing. He never could stay mystified by that light, or the woman who lit the light at dusk upclose, as the way he could from a distant stance. He loved mostly the tease, the luring of the dream, not the attainment of the dream.
Not to say that being subserviently content is the answer either. There is also danger in that. Awareness and a willingness to appreciate is all that is required. We shouldn't confuse the feeling of achievement with a drunken like bliss, or expect to be completely swept away. Live yourself into all things to misquote or requote Miss Keller. Why assume that achievement of our dreams will reduce themselves to our whims?
Emily Dickinson wrote "You love me best when I refuse". Though this is different from the topic of how we covet our dreams and easily discard them afterward, it can apply. No will drive someone up a wall. Yes, well, we expect yes. We stamp and label yes, treat it to dazzling lights, trumpeting music in the background of found glory. While aspiring and expecting dreams, We become petty, shooting off preferences at first sight of a yes. It shouldn't have to be you never know what you had until you've lost it. We need to know how to evaluate what is right with us, when it is with us. Past, present and future should be equally embraced, balanced and observed.
I really do believe that current humanity is afraid of anything too raw. We want coffee but not without milk, a pinch of sugar.
Monday, July 24, 2006
don't like really
Don’t talk about me as if I am already gone. Consider what you will do with the spare room when I am not around.
Nearly everything they said when I last saw them was about the expiring lease. Maybe they just look forward to privacy.
I know I am not around alot. Liz laughs at me whenever I tell her the ratio of nights at my parents to nights at my apartment. I just... can’t really stand the commute anymore. There are little things like the strangled looks in his and her eyes when I ask about splitting the rent three ways.
I don’t know what to do for a job. School, I think it’s too late for this semester.
I know I’m not around. I know you’re a little scared where you’re gonna end up. The fighting is no accident. You’re far from judgemental but you feel all his criticisms. You don’t like the stripes of rage in his anger, the arrogance when he’s corrected.
I know I’m not really around. I’ll think about it while looking for sleep tonight, staring the wall down trying to find sleep on someone else’s couch.
No wonder you want me around more. Even so I don’t know what to say to that.
Nearly everything they said when I last saw them was about the expiring lease. Maybe they just look forward to privacy.
I know I am not around alot. Liz laughs at me whenever I tell her the ratio of nights at my parents to nights at my apartment. I just... can’t really stand the commute anymore. There are little things like the strangled looks in his and her eyes when I ask about splitting the rent three ways.
I don’t know what to do for a job. School, I think it’s too late for this semester.
I know I’m not around. I know you’re a little scared where you’re gonna end up. The fighting is no accident. You’re far from judgemental but you feel all his criticisms. You don’t like the stripes of rage in his anger, the arrogance when he’s corrected.
I know I’m not really around. I’ll think about it while looking for sleep tonight, staring the wall down trying to find sleep on someone else’s couch.
No wonder you want me around more. Even so I don’t know what to say to that.
Monday, July 17, 2006
noooo
Okay, I thought the swamper stank. We are soo calling the landlord.
Heavens have mercy.
I came home and the sink smells like decaying flesh.
There was a terrible accident right outside my house. I would openly weep if I totaled a mustang. It got jacked up so bad, the horn device jammed up and would not stop. I woke up to a neverending car horn. It was probably the first time I have ever seen anyone just gallop into an ambulance vehicle.
The heat... gonna kill me...
Heavens have mercy.
I came home and the sink smells like decaying flesh.
There was a terrible accident right outside my house. I would openly weep if I totaled a mustang. It got jacked up so bad, the horn device jammed up and would not stop. I woke up to a neverending car horn. It was probably the first time I have ever seen anyone just gallop into an ambulance vehicle.
The heat... gonna kill me...
Friday, July 14, 2006
Oops
You said red blonde? Color swatch was...
semipermanent. okay, if you spent the money.
turned Purple?
Wha--?
semipermanent. okay, if you spent the money.
turned Purple?
Wha--?
little plastic castle
Perhaps I am doing good, the week has proved to be ‘khaotic’ and atypical, call it what you will.
Caity called me, after I swore to call her. I am terrible at calling people these days, migrating between cities usually takes a mental toll on me. I would go to my apartment more often but I can’t even rest knowing that in less than six hours I will get ready two hours earlier than usual, to take off to work, to go see so and so etc.
I’m about ready to pummel a few of her family members. Her breaking the news of being pregnant didn’t go so well with them. These days the boundaries of unconditional familial love are paper thin. How can they just treat her like a shame on their name. Her grandparents kicked her out, screamed at how worthless she was, and how she’s going to have to slave away to get any apology. One of them started breaking things, went on and on telling her how embarrising she was to the rest of the family. Hello? She’s taking the steps to be responsible, and is not afraid.
Ok, so much vanity in the family reputation we’re sorry, it just taxes on our needing to care about you in unfavorable weather. Bullshit.
As if this isn’t enough they are prolonging the frenzy by saying she’s also screwed up by where she chooses to get married. More like where not to. “How are you supposed to get to the temple and recieve it’s ordinances now? You are no longer worthy.”
I told her I didn’t care where she will or will not choose to have the ceremony at. I told her temple or not, your marriage will be worth something. No matter where you choose it to be. She loves him, she is preparing to be a mother and looking forward to it, I don’t see what the problem is. Her love for her fiancee is not any less, and the origin is not an insult to her child as they would suggest. I am just tired of people violently persecuting others, no, not just others, but family kin over bigotry and technicalities and zealotry over their own damn collective reputation.
That was how the week began. I’ve just felt so fragile towards others as of late.
Alycia, a physically handicapped girl and daughter of an old coworker came into my work the other day. I love the way that she looks at things, so distant and adoring of whatever she fixes upon. I would love to see through her eyes, she seems to have this unfiltered love for all the little things, for people and such. I remember her stare adoringly at two Chinese sculptures, ones that I never even looked twice at, (the detail, it’s ornamented so beautifully it’s so white!) She’s so softspoken, she waited ten minutes to just catch my eye to tell me she couldn’t hold her things anymore (due to her condition) so afraid to interupt anyone.
I asked her what her plans were now that she had graduated. Alycia talked of hopes of going into linguistics and law, hoping to aim for a position in the white house. She told me this between many short breaths, with a thin smile on her face. She hopes to go to law school. I just... She seems so delicate and softspoken, more sounded like a dream than anything. I really wanted that dream to be her most aimiable goal. That she would reach all that she hoped for. That her dream could be within reach. However I think of the skepticism and hard edged demands and specific qualifications that career would require and think, she would be eaten alive. Her hopes were so pure and raw. I watched everything about her light up as she explained this and I looked away, tears welling up.
I had a customer ask me about a blanket, I answered her question quickly and before going back to cleaning, told her she had beautiful green eyes, She said other wise and confessed she had been crying. Her ex husband had gotten into a car wreck and is in critical condition. Something about his arm being cut off, something about her wanting and not wanting to tell him how she feels about his drinking again. Or how she feels about his well being. Later when I was thrown on the register, I asked her further on...
Then there is Liz who doesn't know how much courage she has to watch her four year old go through his brain surgery, he's been in a haze of seditatives, sometimes responds when she is there. The swelling has been horrible and well he may just require additional surgeries due to hemorraging.
This week I have been increasingly sensitive to these things, however not injured by them. but just troubled by the complex habitat we all badly maim each other in our attempts to ‘share’ or just not share at all. It just seems like hard times for everyone these days.
Hearing Anna break into tears over my answering machine totally... Or Tammie look at me hopefully each time I tell her I am leaving, hoping I will come back. I swear she’s already accepted me as family and yet, here I am her roomate that has to pay visits to see her. There's my mom crying about her unpaid bills, and...
It's the life we live.
It’s just been a dismal week.
Caity called me, after I swore to call her. I am terrible at calling people these days, migrating between cities usually takes a mental toll on me. I would go to my apartment more often but I can’t even rest knowing that in less than six hours I will get ready two hours earlier than usual, to take off to work, to go see so and so etc.
I’m about ready to pummel a few of her family members. Her breaking the news of being pregnant didn’t go so well with them. These days the boundaries of unconditional familial love are paper thin. How can they just treat her like a shame on their name. Her grandparents kicked her out, screamed at how worthless she was, and how she’s going to have to slave away to get any apology. One of them started breaking things, went on and on telling her how embarrising she was to the rest of the family. Hello? She’s taking the steps to be responsible, and is not afraid.
Ok, so much vanity in the family reputation we’re sorry, it just taxes on our needing to care about you in unfavorable weather. Bullshit.
As if this isn’t enough they are prolonging the frenzy by saying she’s also screwed up by where she chooses to get married. More like where not to. “How are you supposed to get to the temple and recieve it’s ordinances now? You are no longer worthy.”
I told her I didn’t care where she will or will not choose to have the ceremony at. I told her temple or not, your marriage will be worth something. No matter where you choose it to be. She loves him, she is preparing to be a mother and looking forward to it, I don’t see what the problem is. Her love for her fiancee is not any less, and the origin is not an insult to her child as they would suggest. I am just tired of people violently persecuting others, no, not just others, but family kin over bigotry and technicalities and zealotry over their own damn collective reputation.
That was how the week began. I’ve just felt so fragile towards others as of late.
Alycia, a physically handicapped girl and daughter of an old coworker came into my work the other day. I love the way that she looks at things, so distant and adoring of whatever she fixes upon. I would love to see through her eyes, she seems to have this unfiltered love for all the little things, for people and such. I remember her stare adoringly at two Chinese sculptures, ones that I never even looked twice at, (the detail, it’s ornamented so beautifully it’s so white!) She’s so softspoken, she waited ten minutes to just catch my eye to tell me she couldn’t hold her things anymore (due to her condition) so afraid to interupt anyone.
I asked her what her plans were now that she had graduated. Alycia talked of hopes of going into linguistics and law, hoping to aim for a position in the white house. She told me this between many short breaths, with a thin smile on her face. She hopes to go to law school. I just... She seems so delicate and softspoken, more sounded like a dream than anything. I really wanted that dream to be her most aimiable goal. That she would reach all that she hoped for. That her dream could be within reach. However I think of the skepticism and hard edged demands and specific qualifications that career would require and think, she would be eaten alive. Her hopes were so pure and raw. I watched everything about her light up as she explained this and I looked away, tears welling up.
I had a customer ask me about a blanket, I answered her question quickly and before going back to cleaning, told her she had beautiful green eyes, She said other wise and confessed she had been crying. Her ex husband had gotten into a car wreck and is in critical condition. Something about his arm being cut off, something about her wanting and not wanting to tell him how she feels about his drinking again. Or how she feels about his well being. Later when I was thrown on the register, I asked her further on...
Then there is Liz who doesn't know how much courage she has to watch her four year old go through his brain surgery, he's been in a haze of seditatives, sometimes responds when she is there. The swelling has been horrible and well he may just require additional surgeries due to hemorraging.
This week I have been increasingly sensitive to these things, however not injured by them. but just troubled by the complex habitat we all badly maim each other in our attempts to ‘share’ or just not share at all. It just seems like hard times for everyone these days.
Hearing Anna break into tears over my answering machine totally... Or Tammie look at me hopefully each time I tell her I am leaving, hoping I will come back. I swear she’s already accepted me as family and yet, here I am her roomate that has to pay visits to see her. There's my mom crying about her unpaid bills, and...
It's the life we live.
It’s just been a dismal week.
Tuesday, July 11, 2006
Sunday, July 09, 2006
wallet magneto?
Oh god, the things I stumble into.
lol.
As I work at a thrift store I see plenty of things that have high resale potential. I never get the gumption to actually go through with it and do the whole ebay thing i.e. actual movie theatre films, foreign dolls and china, random home decor and such. I have a few customers who do such on the side, pick through the store for collectables, like designer purses, dishes, etc. (like those stupid Doonesbury purses wtf are they so popular I mean it's leather with a little ducky stamp) One avid customer I have comes in for handbags and suitcases, ebays them of for plenty the value.
I wanted to do a little punk jacket thing too, just spruce up an old vest with patches and studs and some kid in Chicargo will be like that is the shiznit! Perhaps I still shall. My roomates say it's a sure fire thing.
I just want to do it for the halibut, heh maybe a potential resume slot clothing design lololol.
I had a customer gawk over the value of eel skin. While sorting the wallets today, I happened to chance on an eel skin wallet. I decided to find the value of the wallet to see if it could be ebayed or something.
Do eelskin wallets demagnetize bank teller cards?
dude.
Weirdness.
lol.
As I work at a thrift store I see plenty of things that have high resale potential. I never get the gumption to actually go through with it and do the whole ebay thing i.e. actual movie theatre films, foreign dolls and china, random home decor and such. I have a few customers who do such on the side, pick through the store for collectables, like designer purses, dishes, etc. (like those stupid Doonesbury purses wtf are they so popular I mean it's leather with a little ducky stamp) One avid customer I have comes in for handbags and suitcases, ebays them of for plenty the value.
I wanted to do a little punk jacket thing too, just spruce up an old vest with patches and studs and some kid in Chicargo will be like that is the shiznit! Perhaps I still shall. My roomates say it's a sure fire thing.
I just want to do it for the halibut, heh maybe a potential resume slot clothing design lololol.
I had a customer gawk over the value of eel skin. While sorting the wallets today, I happened to chance on an eel skin wallet. I decided to find the value of the wallet to see if it could be ebayed or something.
Do eelskin wallets demagnetize bank teller cards?
dude.
Weirdness.
A Slow Descent
I'm tired.
Cynical and broken, but wiser.
Heavy with a sense of resentment,
but i used to be so much different,
I used to have so much faith
when I started.
You knew that I always meant it.
I knew I could make a difference,
I struggled to be heard
and then finally, one day people started listening.
and I knew it
but as soon as it began it was ruined.
A slow descent from unique to routine,
over and over,
"just do it again and this time with feeling".
The spotlight.
The focus on the friends and the feelings.
That made those stupid songs all worth singing.
And don't you say a word
unless you're pretty sure that you want it analyzed.
So we drove
for what seemed like days
over roads
and four lane highways.
We said all we had to say
and I realized in time that it didn't mean anything.
Never,
not ever again.
Not like that.
"It's only a matter of time".
-Straylight Run
Cynical and broken, but wiser.
Heavy with a sense of resentment,
but i used to be so much different,
I used to have so much faith
when I started.
You knew that I always meant it.
I knew I could make a difference,
I struggled to be heard
and then finally, one day people started listening.
and I knew it
but as soon as it began it was ruined.
A slow descent from unique to routine,
over and over,
"just do it again and this time with feeling".
The spotlight.
The focus on the friends and the feelings.
That made those stupid songs all worth singing.
And don't you say a word
unless you're pretty sure that you want it analyzed.
So we drove
for what seemed like days
over roads
and four lane highways.
We said all we had to say
and I realized in time that it didn't mean anything.
Never,
not ever again.
Not like that.
"It's only a matter of time".
-Straylight Run
Sunday, July 02, 2006
cartoon bandaids
"I decided to actually hug you because you almost have a cute outfit today!" Who are you and what the hell have you done with my widdle sister?
Asking the little punk about her well previous boyfriend I said well you been on a date with him or something? "No! 6th grade duh!! You don't really date or anything right now, just say that you are bf and gf and that stuff." Umm okay.
Lol. Getting weirder by the day. Perfume and clevage, how the hell did you figure these things punk? Oh my god. I call it multitasking, she's twelve and she is walking talking and lookin' like she's 16. These beastly preteen years.
No Quinn those earrings don't make you look fat.
She was smarter when she was a kid.
Asking the little punk about her well previous boyfriend I said well you been on a date with him or something? "No! 6th grade duh!! You don't really date or anything right now, just say that you are bf and gf and that stuff." Umm okay.
Lol. Getting weirder by the day. Perfume and clevage, how the hell did you figure these things punk? Oh my god. I call it multitasking, she's twelve and she is walking talking and lookin' like she's 16. These beastly preteen years.
No Quinn those earrings don't make you look fat.
She was smarter when she was a kid.
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