On the Sidelines
Games. Everyone plays them. It’s not in the polite society handbook to display one’s bare intentions. We have to be blinded by tact and particular word choice to advance onto anything else. This isn’t in my territory, I’m usually more empathetic and supportive towards someone than I am convincing. It’s both a curse and a gift. To be able to see so far into a person down to their basic hopes and fears, their instincts and impulses, strengths and insecurities. You know why. You can see their logic, you relate too well.
People think I’m random because I don’t usually format my conversations with subject relativity. I dart from one subject to the next instead of carefully leading them into it. I think I’m spontaneous. I don’t wait for the conversation to tip toe over to my own topics.
I’m glad I can’t read minds. It’s such an eerie power. One doesn’t always think what they mean or feel. Thoughts are infinite everyone has their own codes of thinking. I don’t always think in language. I explore multiple actions even ones I’d never carry out. Despite this everynow and then it would be sooo useful.
*sighs* Even now I’m bound by the chains of propriety, wearing it’s concrete mask. I wish it were more breathable.
I’ve always been a watcher. When I was in the forest I remained completely still so that I could continue to observe the wild life. I’m becoming another tree in this uncharted wilderness, watchful and constant.
I’m watching from a distance, from these velvet roped sidelines. Watching the world spin on it’s unstable axis. Quiet only on the outside.
Yet another area of my life where I’m caught between abstracts, between roles, between circumstance. Insider, Outsider. Either way it still exists. I’m only station agent, well notified. I’m not the engine, I’m not longer an engineer. It seems so short out there in the distance now, a tiny speck of black on that ladder we place on the ground. Only a witness whose seat is reserved.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
4 comments:
Ideal?
People rely on enough falsehood already.
Ideas from other places come to mind right now. Some embrace their own chains when they know nothing else can be known, but why is it that caged birds continue to sing when they will never again have the open sky?
I'm all for composure but remove yourself from complete feeling? Have you ever done that? Maintained that? What happened? I have once, everything faded to grey. It was like amputation, I had no tears, no genuine smiles.
Emotional mediocrity. No triumph no failure, no progress.
It may be different for you though. It's just something that is not for me.
That mask though isn't emotional restraint, it's polite and expected conduct. Why is it easier to notice woodgrains on a doorway when you pass someone then it is to look into their eyes? We have to give people a leveled amount of attention and recognition. You must let them remain stranger or risk alarming them. Is it so bad to be looked in the eye?
We have to prepackage our messages for them to even be worth hearing, people don't like blunt truths.
Truth is both comforting
and frightening. It's too powerful for men to handle.
People usually don't know others basic hopes and fears. It's a thing that you will understand though, as a people watcher. I've observed personalites since a young age. I've always wanted to know the center of each person, what fuels them and what hinders them.
I hope you meant men as the race and not the gender :-P.
It's always been my ideal that people not need to hide their values and fears...
Hm... Works for me just fine, I think the two of you are proof of that.
Only two people in my history have ever frustrated me in misunderstanding me so completely. But that can't be helped if I'm as upfront as possible and that's still not enough for them.
I've encountered hundreds of people that have never had a need to fear me, most barely have a need to recognize me. So why should I hide or change based off of 2 people? Even if it's only 2 out of 100, that's 2%. Safe to assume that they are an anomoly and not me? And that's being generous to them, I think.
What is the benefit of hiding your fears and insecurities? Have you ever realized that your actions will bring forth the same in others?
If you are guarded, then others will be. If you are free, free of bonds, free of lies and free of hatred that is directed at me. At least for the most part as I've already admitted.
So do you really prefer that people hide from you? Do you simply like the game...? Or would you rather have the truth set you free? Knowing that no matter how mad someone gets at you, you did the best you could and there's nothing that needed be changed. I don't always admit it, but it is usually the end result.
Again, I don't usually admit it, but I'm as human as anyone. And that's something that we often forget, that we are all human, the same breed. The same weakness.
Sorry for the lecture, but it came to me as I was reading.
Sorry ^_^ yes I meant men as a race. I was told early that "men" could also mean women and children when I read the declaration of independence and other things of the sort.
I went weird on somebody today when she said men can't participate in any of the arts WITHOUT being gay. But thats another story.
I have no fascination with these kinds of masks, it is easier to wear them then it is to unwear them really.
Done the censoring of expression as well. I'm different then you in that respect. It made me ill.
The censoring itself did dull my feelings. I think the censoring did the most damage. Every now and then I would want to reach out and it would only shrink back. It later damaged my ability to express and explain, I could not conduct myself eventually when that was the original goal. To be in more control.
There's a quote by Anais Nin that best explains this "And the time came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was greater than the risk it took to blossom."
I'm not saying you're wrong or right. As I've already told you I understand that people meet stages in their lives where they need absolute focus and barriers to keep that focus. That sometimes security is needed. not everyone has ready consolation. It's never easy to need.
Trust can be a fleeting thing, but it can also be geniune. I really don't eat people.
It's sad sometimes to see you on the verge of something vast and deep and so distant from everyone. We have a blurry vision of the terrain, but can't know the folded landscape. We all have different needs, and distance can be a need. Just don't let it become a foundation is all I ask.
The day will come when it will be better to blossom then to condense.
We all care about you too much to watch you bury yourself so.
I don't know. I think I saw you munch on a six year old the other day...
That makes sense... Why Tasha and friends always come over... Always a source of food... Interesting...
:-p x__x
Anyways.
I guess we all have a difference of opinions here. I definately see where Forgotten is coming from as it's always been something that I've tried to do as well. But differently.
I prize stoicism in the sense that I can make any decision regardless of who is involved. It's a method of maintaining total logic in even the most "upside down" settings.
Always clear.
But I don't term it as a mask.
If that's how you feel about it, I'm sorry. I see it as trying to control something, not hide it.
Like I said, a difference of ideologies and ways of thinking.
I'm going to pull back from trying to change your mind, and because of this I have no idea why I am writing.
But I've actually found it true that the best defense is a good offense. No, this doesn't mean that I'm a war monger, but it also makes it very hard to hide if there are enemies about.
Though I try to maintain a status of Sun Tzu and sneak when I needed, so that I may obtain a bloodless victory. I much prefer to not to at most venues.
But like I said, it seems that we are more or less on the same page, we just don't like your terminology there FP. I understand the benefits of distancing yourself all too well. I'm the person that always tries to "take a step back" when deciding something.
But that doesn't mean you should avoid the touches, feels, and hugs that are due to you on the other side.
Step back, decide, study and then embrace, love, and cherish.
Always seems to be a bit better for me, but we're the ones talking about different paths of life with the same general outcome.
But do the ends justify the means? Or do the means justify the ends?
Post a Comment