Today was like one of those movies with unexpected twists dropping out from the skies. Beautiful day really, mostly. I wish I could grace it by writing about it, it was restful, despite the year ending. I hope that I can make the most of these beautiful days while they last. Even when things go well, I try to keep my eyes open. I know too much of what happens when people go on thinking they don't need their eyes.
I went driving like a big girl, after begging to go around the block (without insurance mind you) because I have a liscense, to make a long story short.
But this is so small, (even if the dent wasn't...) I am reminded more and more everyday that life is and may never be fair. Why must there be endless loads for those who no longer can continue on pulling their feet forward? It angers me to see 'adults' neglect their priveledges as parents, I stress the word privelege. Not just anyone should be able to have kids, but when I look closer some of the most beautiful people I know have come from these wreckages. My heart goes out to anyone who lives in these dysfunctional circumstances, anyone who lives from day to day not knowing if there will be a morning.
I've heard of her family situation, I hardly know this girl. I know her only through the decorating committee. She's around twelve, thirteen and is living with her grandmother for reasons I won't go into. . . People of Indian (from INDIA) descent are so beautiful to me, you'd think looking at her rounded eyes that she's living blissfully unaware as every other teenager does. No, the problem is she's too aware, too aware of how the world is not already. Childhood never lasts the way it should, it was stolen early from her from those who grew up with the worst of their ways. Why do these things happen? Why must children have to pay for the mistakes of their elders?
This is exactly why I gravely considered social work. Because I've seen these things. Too many times, happening to people that I know and love. The problem with this is I would become too involved therefore biased and overly defensive. It would wrench at me tearing homes, no matter how terrible, apart. Even if a child can tolerate such a situation, the environment is still damaging, raised to think that such things are deserved and completely normal. What kills me is how she still talks about her mother, how she listens to eighties music. It brings her mom to mind, who is only reminded of the last high and the next one needed while behind bars.
Another friend right now is struggling, practically blind to the world around her. Her moral confusion does not surprise me in the least, she lives always like there is never going to be a tommorrow. Her lapse into her old ways was heartbreaking, last I saw her, her eyes seemed brighter. She seemed more independant somehow, she was invesitgating churches exploring for what she believes. Where is all that now? Now it is just her using anything to scrape at her emptiness, going all the wrong places, again finding all the wrong people. I only hope that she will learn that in time there may be more for her, more than this. How to contact her? I'm getting closer but at this point it's all about damage control. This only goes so far, but it's an effort and I am such a stubborn idealist.
I see this girl, as talkative as any girl her age, with her dark eyes concentrating deeply on every bead she strung, so careful, almost too careful. My craft agenda has gone to the dogs this week, she offered to help finish since she claims to have too much time on her hands. Still gives so much of herself when she's not even sure what she still has.
I want so badly to believe there is hope for her, that her upbringing will not be her making. It's always easier to fall into that pattern already made by the generation before, I just hope she has the strength to continue making her own tracks, and not following the shadowed footsteps that were not laid with her in mind.
Always back to music with me, always; another lyric quoted- Don't it make you sad to know life is more than who we are?
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I've actually taken to that song more and more again recently. To me, it was perfect for my graduation (possibly any, but I weep for our future youth that will soon be graduating, especially after your class).
I come back to it now, realising that there really still is hope, even if I have to make it myself. I give up walking alone, knowing that no one will ever come for me. It's actually something that I've always wanted. I've never needed, but the people that I want to come, won't. It's not a big thing, I suppose. A further dissapointment, but I just came to realise the wisdom of "If you want anything done, do it yourself." Nothing comes to you as much as you must take it.
It is hard not to dive in to people's situations and help out. I've bitten down hard on my tongue every time in the last 3 years. Times I knew I shouldn't. And I'll never have that back. I feel I should have, but I also know that these things make these people. But so does you jumping in for them. EVERYTHING shapes a person. You saving them or not. But is saving them better or worse? It's harder than anything to determine.
We are meant for more. I do believe that we have lost ourselves. In our time people derive more function out of tearing at things randomly and without any thought, than uplifting and making the best out of anything.
I would likely be inclined to join in such a test of one's self as social services. But I get attached instantly to people and am ultimately loyal, or at least was. I've tainted that calling. In addition to that, I don't like the social services. Like any agency they don't really have checks and balances, not until it's too late. They can take your child away for the smallest things sometimes. I don't like it...
We could be more than the wars of our fathers, if we could be more than the wars of ourselves. There's so much to change, to do, it's an impossible task. I need to set my anchor and set to work eventually.
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