we were MEANT to live for so much more, but we lost ourselves

Today was like one of those movies with unexpected twists dropping out from the skies. Beautiful day really, mostly. I wish I could grace it by writing about it, it was restful, despite the year ending. I hope that I can make the most of these beautiful days while they last. Even when things go well, I try to keep my eyes open. I know too much of what happens when people go on thinking they don't need their eyes.

I went driving like a big girl, after begging to go around the block (without insurance mind you) because I have a liscense, to make a long story short.

But this is so small, (even if the dent wasn't...) I am reminded more and more everyday that life is and may never be fair. Why must there be endless loads for those who no longer can continue on pulling their feet forward? It angers me to see 'adults' neglect their priveledges as parents, I stress the word privelege. Not just anyone should be able to have kids, but when I look closer some of the most beautiful people I know have come from these wreckages. My heart goes out to anyone who lives in these dysfunctional circumstances, anyone who lives from day to day not knowing if there will be a morning.

I've heard of her family situation, I hardly know this girl. I know her only through the decorating committee. She's around twelve, thirteen and is living with her grandmother for reasons I won't go into. . . People of Indian (from INDIA) descent are so beautiful to me, you'd think looking at her rounded eyes that she's living blissfully unaware as every other teenager does. No, the problem is she's too aware, too aware of how the world is not already. Childhood never lasts the way it should, it was stolen early from her from those who grew up with the worst of their ways. Why do these things happen? Why must children have to pay for the mistakes of their elders?

This is exactly why I gravely considered social work. Because I've seen these things. Too many times, happening to people that I know and love. The problem with this is I would become too involved therefore biased and overly defensive. It would wrench at me tearing homes, no matter how terrible, apart. Even if a child can tolerate such a situation, the environment is still damaging, raised to think that such things are deserved and completely normal. What kills me is how she still talks about her mother, how she listens to eighties music. It brings her mom to mind, who is only reminded of the last high and the next one needed while behind bars.

Another friend right now is struggling, practically blind to the world around her. Her moral confusion does not surprise me in the least, she lives always like there is never going to be a tommorrow. Her lapse into her old ways was heartbreaking, last I saw her, her eyes seemed brighter. She seemed more independant somehow, she was invesitgating churches exploring for what she believes. Where is all that now? Now it is just her using anything to scrape at her emptiness, going all the wrong places, again finding all the wrong people. I only hope that she will learn that in time there may be more for her, more than this. How to contact her? I'm getting closer but at this point it's all about damage control. This only goes so far, but it's an effort and I am such a stubborn idealist.

I see this girl, as talkative as any girl her age, with her dark eyes concentrating deeply on every bead she strung, so careful, almost too careful. My craft agenda has gone to the dogs this week, she offered to help finish since she claims to have too much time on her hands. Still gives so much of herself when she's not even sure what she still has.

I want so badly to believe there is hope for her, that her upbringing will not be her making. It's always easier to fall into that pattern already made by the generation before, I just hope she has the strength to continue making her own tracks, and not following the shadowed footsteps that were not laid with her in mind.
Always back to music with me, always; another lyric quoted- Don't it make you sad to know life is more than who we are?

with the scenery flying by. . .

Notice how large events turn you in upon yourself? Thinking over these things I should probably sit down taking as much in as I can while rolling it over in my head. I can't. Life feels a lot like running right now. In such a short amount of time I get so far away at this speed. I try to do what I can while I am in the place I am in. Realistically it's only visiting, but really I have got to make things matter. I never truly pass anything by, I keep every significant thing that happens with me. I take it everywhere with me. I don't see much people do this anymore. Does it have to be this way?

I want to believe that people never truly leave me, it feels this way at least. It is strange. . . I walk through the halls of the school and feel so foreign. Everyone with the exception of friends behaves as if nothing is happening, and for them I guess not much really is. For me this is huge. There should be another term coming up. I have only just rebuilt my life and again I must pack up, literally. A tad bit overwhelming but at the same time encouraging. I know how important it is to leave what I know already know so that I may learn to know more, to expand what I see as comfortable. Even still I can't help but to cling to these roots I have only just planted. . .

I am trying to teach myself not to expect, but to be curious and open to the possibilities. It is hard for me because I get so easily attached to most things once I settle in. I want to leave my familiar and see more, to evaluate my world exploring what else is open to me. As for where I will be next I will 'know' a grand total of two people. My cousin of course and Amy. It is good to talk to her, someone with a good head on her shoulders. She has a lot of faith in junior colleges and what they have to offer. She's very familiar with the campus and courses as her siblings either work or have attended school there. I told her of my Snow Blast experience with Barbie and Skipper. . . She says since it's open enrollment a lot of people who aren't very serious can get in but there are still many students down there with brains. Holy crap, how good it was to hear that. There is unexplained comaderie between us right now just knowing that we'll be in the same place. She offered to room with me but she's going to live in the apartments while I'll be living in the shac-- I mean -- dorms. /jk.

At this pace it's hard to tell what I'm headed for or bigger yet what is heading for me. It's exciting but scary as hell. June first at noon I'll be capped and gowned walking! Lindsey and her friends want to go to my graduation, and I can't really explain why this is comforting. Them little punks, they're fun to have around.

This along with other things are too urgent. Right now everything comes down to hit or miss situations. I have no time to hold my breath.

AN OPERA?

Of all things. They created an Opera 1984. WTF mate.

http://deseretnews.com/dn/view/0,1249,600135440,00.html