Fingers...Cold... Heck, I'm wearing gloves indoors. This doesn't help my typing.

This sucks, badly. The temperature feels like it's below zero, and it hasn't been snowing. Just raining. If it has to be cold, can't it snow?

It won't always be this way. A year from now, I won't have to deal with Layton weather. As it turns out, the three colleges I'm considering get loads of snow. *laughs* I'm even thinking about the weather conditions of those schools.

My future seems so unclear. I'm not really sure what I want to go into, most of what I have in mind isn't reasonable, because the job that it would get me really wouldn't pay enough for me to get by. I still have some time to make up my mind, right? All I know is that later on, I want to be able to live with making a living. I want to like what I'll end up doing. And screw the 'well, in time, if you just get married, your husband will take care of it'. I can't plan my life around that kind of variable, so I'm not going to chance it. I mean, I can't depend on a guess, it's something I don't know yet.

Yeah... I went off on a tangent again. The things I do to kill off time at lunch.

Sunday was weird. I was playing computer games, and I zoned out a bit. I looked down at the floor, and when I looked up, I completely forgot where I was. It took me a while to remember that I was in my room, on my computer.

Something like this happened about a year ago. I guess I should be freaked out, but I'm used to things that aren't normal by now. But that doesn't make it any less weird. Even normal human memory is weird enough.

I think everything had to fall apart before things could fall back into place.

I never thought that I would react this way. It's been easier since I've let go, because I don't feel like I have to find a way to fix something that can't be repaired.

Reason Why

I think about how it might have been
We'd spend our days travelin'
It's not that I don't understand you
It's not that I don't want to be with you
But you only wanted me
The way you wanted me

So I will head out alone and hope for the best
And we can hang our heads down
as we skip the goodbyes
You can tell the world what you want them to hear
I've got nothing left to lose my dear
So I'm up for the little white lies
But you and I know the reason why
I'm gone and you're still there

I'll buy a magazine searching for your face
From coast to coast or where ever I find my place
I'll track you on the radio, and
I'll sign your list in a different name
But as close as I get to you
It's not the same...

So, I will head out alone and hope for the best
We can pat ourselves on the back
and say that we 'tried'
And if one of us makes it big
We can spill our regrets
And talk about how it never completely died
But you and I know the reason why
I'm gone and you're still there

So, steal the show and do your best
to cover the tracks that I have left
I wish you well and hope you find
whatever you're looking for
The way I might've changed my mind,
but you only showed me the door

So, I will head out alone and hope for the best
We can pat ourselves on the back and say that we tried
And if one of us makes it big
We can spill our regrets
And talk about how we wish it never died
But you and I know the reason why

-Rachael Yamagata

My optimistic half is trying to tell me that I'm wrong, and that everything is still the same but I just don't see it yet. Of course, I can see how naive and unrealistic my optimisms can be.

A friend of mine said something last week that stuck with me. Nothing big or out of the ordinary, but just a simple descriptive phrase that describes this time in my life. And everything I thought it would be is nothing like it is. How true.

I don't consider myself pessimistic, just realistic. I try to keep myself in balance.

I like having time, but I can't figure out what to do with it. And the weekend does have it's disadavantages. I really hate to see his car out side her house parked on the curb, sticking out like a sore thumb. To me it's a reminder of the way things aren't, of the way things can't be. One thing is for sure, it can't be the way that it used to.

I have other things to be concerned with.

I've never seen myself being this kind of separate. I mean, for the first time I feel like a complete unit. I thought that after something as big as this, with so many close ties cut off, I'd feel like a fraction. Like I was without something. It's hard to describe this; I struggle with words. You'd think that after I'd lost my sense of belonging, I'd feel differently. I would have never guessed this but knowing that I'm not dependent on anyone is comforting. Not to say that I don't care, I amaze myself with how far I'd go to help someone I barely even know. But I've just proven something to myself, something I already knew, but not in this way. I can stand on my own, I'm able to support myself when I need to.
Not to say that relying on anyone else is bad. We aren't meant to be alone. But in order to endure, there are times when it's necessary to support yourself.

I've noticed you never held on. Or even tried to. Because you wanted to be pryed away, you couldn't stop thinking about her.

You were still the same in my dream, as you are (or were, I guess) in real life. Your mannerisms are re-enacted perfectly. And you were scared, intimidated, yet drawn to me at the same time. But your feet where planted, you stood stationed where you where. Driven back, pulled forward, the forces cancelled out. A battle within you; you were sulking, trying for indifference, but you couldn't filter out the look of indescision.

You, there are two yous. I'm not taking about a personality conflict. I'm talking about two different people, Braden and Benson. Different identities, same actions and decisions. Same reasons. A shared conflict. So different, but otherwise completely the same.
I've let go. I have no regrets, and I refuse to repeat the past.

I feel so tranparent sometimes. Like I'm just part of the scenery.

I've learned that some people only believe what they want to believe.

Are holidays are meant to celebrate? I'm tired of all the fuss my family is making, you'd think it's all a military drill. Instead of observing the holidays, we do more decorating than celebrating.

I need a book with a happy ending. The ones I just finished were so depressing when they ended. But isn't it same with most things once they end?

Currently Playing: Duran Duran - Ordinary World