You want so bad to write like that.

At the same time you know she deserves everything she has.

But you can't help but to compare and slip back into the void of 'look what I still haven't made / remade of myself '.

You know that you can always get back in practice with it again, but there is always that fear that it might not be the same.

It's about forging the way, not exactly about having the direction just yet. It's about sheltering what still works, and going from there.
No one thing will give at once. Nothing will carry me except the intent of these two feet.

Just take it as it flows.

duck taped kid

in the middle of the night

Nothing like scrambling out to the backyard trampoline at the stroke of midnight. What's even better is bouncing all over the place when that ever so increasing need to pee comes upon you. I didn't even let that get in my way. Honestly, it's amusing to challenge yourself like that. Let's see how much you can take, when all you want to be doing is that scissor-walk back inside. Let's jump up and down and see if your bladder can handle all that movement.

ha haahaa. It's the funniest thing, and yes, I didn't wet myself.

I'm at the end battle of twilight princess but I refuse to beat it until we have our surround sound hooked back up and I purchase a sword extension for my wiimote. I was a little disappointed at how easy it was to pass through the Hyrule castle, though there is plenty to explore.
I'm being told there is nothing disappointing about the final boss....

My birthday is at the end of this week, and the middle of this week tuition is due. My school should consider this. Cmon it's my birthday, a tuition waive would be the bestest present.... Honestly I have so little planned.

My little upside down fish has become more active since I changed the tank, but I haven't seen him belly down in months. Poor little guy I wonder what's wrong....

I've been on the good hunt for passionate and artistic music once more.
______
A funny quote here:
"I don't need you to remind me of my age. I have a bladder to do that for me."- Stephen Fry -

don't make me

I got coned into showing for a bridal shower.

I keep a rule of thumb on these happenings, especially with an extended family like mine. I'll go if I think they'll attend any of my frivilous events. I know that this soon to be cousin in law isn't going to attend my wedding, share any of my interests, or simply even be able to appreciate the matter when I choose to marry someone outside of our family's tradition.

Sickly enough, I'm very aware a good handful of my cousins can't produce reasons that are in depth and real when it come to why they chose their partner.


Something goes wrong in my head when I go to these things, very very very wrong. I'm not wired to handle a group of either docile or giddy women all boxed into a tiny room. There's way too much estrogen going around, and it finds a way to grind my nerves. (Oh heres a mixing bowl you always wanted one I'm sure!!! If you didn't it's time to start!!!!)


Thank god I wasn't raised in a polygamous society.

lanterns on the water.

Candles and paper lanterns float on the Motoyasu River Monday at the Peace Memorial Park in Hiroshima, Japan, in memory of the victims of the atomic bomb that killed an estimated 70,000 people 62 years ago. Prayers were offered for a nuclear-free world at Monday's ceremony. Hiroshima Mayor Tadatoshi Akiba is seeking the elimination of nuclear weapons.
-Deseret News


Junko Kimura, Getty Images

Clipping I found

"Emotions, in my experience, aren't covered by single words. I don't believe in "sadness," "joy," or "regret." Maybe the best proof that the language is patriarchal is that it oversimplifies feeling. I'd like to have some disposable complicated hybrid emotions, Germanic traincar constructions like, say, "the happiness that attends disaster." Or: "the disappointment of sleeping with one's fantasy." I'd like to show how "intimations of mortality brought on by aging family members" connects with "the hatred of mirrors that begins in middle age." I'd like to have a word for "the sadness inspired by failing restaurants" as well as the "excitement of getting in a room with a minibar." I've never had the right words to describe my life, and now that I've entered my story, I need them more than ever. I can't just sit back and watch from a distance anymore. From here on in, everything I'll tell you is colored by subjective experience of being part of events. Here's where my story splits, divides, undergoes meiosis. Already the world feels heavier, now that I'm part of it."

-Middlesex, Jeffrey Eugenides

Grabbed this from the profile of someone's blog, a very interesting one at that.

woo new test

You are an Animated Visionary.

You are a Visionary


Your imagination, self-assuredness, and knowledge of the world combine to make you a VISIONARY.

You have clear notions of how things could be, and the confidence to try to make them that way.

You enjoy having a routine, and prefer comfort and familiarity to risk and adventure.

Not needing others' approval to forge ahead, you are confident in your designs for the future.

Your imagination allows you to envision the world as a better place.

You're better at thinking of the big picture than you are with details, and you can see wonder in abstract things.

Style and appearances are important to you, and you have a good eye for beauty.

You are somewhat rigid in your beliefs, which comes from both confidence and an aversion to change.

You are good at creating works of art in forms with which you're familiar.

You're not afraid to let your emotions guide you, and you're generally considerate of others' feelings as well.

Generally, you believe that you control your life, and that external forces only play a limited role in determining what happens to you.

If you want to be different:

Appreciate the earthly, functional elements of things.

Your clarity of vision sometimes prevents you from being open to new ideas. Try expanding your horizon of experiences, and experimenting with novel ways of doing things.




how you relate to others
You are Animated

You are outgoing, comfortable with others, and up for anything, which makes you ANIMATED.

Some people find crowds and parties exhausting, but not you! You are able to be yourself in many situations.

Sometimes it is hard for you to understand why others feel the way they do, but that doesn't stop you from trusting them or having faith that they are good people.

You know the world is complicated and that there is often more than one side to a story, so you are careful not to make judgments about others too hastily.

You would rather experience the world than sit back and observe it—you are not one to sit on the sidelines.

You are an independent thinker and don't get too worried about how others might perceive you—you are not self-conscious about being the active, engaged person that you are.


Although you have a keen understanding of different people's life circumstances, you occasionally have trouble seeing why people get so upset and emotional about things—they should just lighten up and have fun!

In addition to having faith in the world, you have faith in the people around you—you trust others to do the right thing and to be honest.
If you want to be different:

Remember that time alone can be just as fulfilling as time spent with others—take some time for yourself and you might find that there are many things in your inner world that are just as compelling as the world outside your window.

Your open-mindedness about the ways of world gives you an understanding of people's differences, but that knowledge doesn't always translate into sympathy. Don't be afraid to let your trust and understanding influence your feelings.

**********
Close, but not quite, especially since the advice it gives I already have incorporated into who I am. Wish it were more accurate and helpful in the if you want to be different
section, assuming I took it that serious in the first place.

This test was so interesting because it was not polarized at all, you gave all results on a sliding scale or a graph, minus one page t or f.

Take it at personaldna.com

awwww

Just read an article about modern stress contributions and the nature of stress in humans. Not to mention---- baboons. Poor baboons, monkies in my mind are an instant symbol of wacky happiness. That makes me want to cry thinking of a heart broken and sullen baboon sitting there pondering the meaning of his small existence in the cold green heartless abyss of a jungle.

I've been having my fill of black licorice. First stick I said to myself - this is deniable. Second - I kind of like this, third, I love this stuff, and from then on it exponentially increased to some crazed obsession.

youngest mother...

I thought seven was the youngest documented age of becoming impregnated, sadly, it's no longer true.

http://scienceroll.com/2006/12/09/the-youngest-mother-ever/
http://www.snopes.com/pregnant/medina.asp

take a look, just don't say it

http://www.whitehouse.gov/news/releases/2007/07/20070717-3.html

Beautiful. This was just passed by the President. It's titled 'Executive Order: Blocking Property of Certain Persons Who Threaten Stabilization Efforts in Iraq'. What this does is allows the White House to take or hold what money or property you have, once they decide you are "undermining efforts" in this war in any way.

Aren't you glad we still have our freedom of speech and demonstration?

olive pizza

It was about the pizza. He threw his arms up into the air, turned in a half circle. He said it wasn't possible. "What's wrong" I asked without getting an answer. He went on to say several times that he couldn't do it, in a mumble that sounded like a yell. From there he became increasingly irritated as if everything he did had to be approved of. He just wouldn't answer. Every movement he made was both frantic and erratic. The tin foil wouldn't stick to the crust. But she wanted it on so it wouldn't burn. But it wouldn't stay on it kept on falling. But she wanted it on so it wouldn't burn. But it would come off after he had formed it again. But she wanted it on so it wouldn't burn.

He threw the pizza in said I don't care anymore SCREW it. He walked off, turned around in a hurry, and began cursing. He forgot the olives.

The pizza had a huge clump of olives, almost more olives than pizza. He threw the pizza in the second time, walked away.

It's so sad he's afraid to do anything wrong when it comes to her.

odd.

I have to tell myself a few times that this week is over before I start to believe it. It's not that I have done much this week, it's just the rate at which the days started and ended.

My younger sister came back listless after her red eye flight from D.C. today. The trip was mostly paid for by her 'Teenage Republican' group. There was no sightseeing, except to go see the Capitol. The entire week was filled with plenty of meetings to the point where it couldn't even be classified as a trip, she might have been closed in a hotel in this state for that matter.

I saw my cousin tie the knot last week, I had to ignore how strange it was to remember that she's only a few months younger than I am. I wasn't able to see the ceremony because that requires a Mormon temple recommend, which upsets me to think of how many more I may for this reason. It explains why receptions are so big here, there are a few people who can't come to the actual wedding.

Her wedding day was pretty typical of her outlook on life, it has to be overdone and expensive. She jumped on the marriage band wagon shortly after her parents told her if she didn't want to pay for things herself she would have to get married. I wonder if they are really even in love at all, sadly even this would seem less important than the fact that she was wed in a mormon temple to our extended family.
What the hell is marriage anyway.

wo0t

This is awesome...

I just bought an OCARINA!!!!!!



^_________________^



It's all blue like the one in Zelda: Ocarina of Time.

seasoned

hope is something halfway
between a feather and a jaw
when he slept around me
as easy as a fall
I held my head just so
that hope might slip in oddly
my hope is hidden
in the frenzy of his body

fear has come upon me cried
and stiffening at night
there isn't time
and I'm dirtier than I would like
I can lie so fear don't see me
a sweater on the floor
or I can clean
like I've never been scared before

I have talked of love
til it's ragged hanging loose
my heart is busted
from enthusiastic overuse
now love is stealthy
hiding under ribs
love laughs at me
it knows exactly what it is

hope is something halfway
between a feather and a jaw
when you slept around me
as easy as a fall
I held my head just so
and hope dis slip in oddly
my hope is hidden
in the frenzy of your body.

-Veda Hille

those walls

Anna seems different at church, which would make two of us. This church isn't my decision, just something that's required of me as long as I live here. I think she was once able to accept that I had different beliefs. What I don't think she can accept is seeing me in that atmosphere half assed and distanced.

Everytime I catch her in the hallway, I can hear how strained and simulated her responses are.

switching off

I kept my tongue bit while sweeping the kitchen. I don't even have the leeway to not understand without being snapped at. I understand she is stressed but it's very parallel to how she normally is with everyone and it is hard to coexist at times. I thought about how she will only ever know her side of any given situation. Even still I'm the outspoken seemingly rash one. I stand up for myself when it comes to the important things and it sets my mom off to be challenged. She needs control but I can't sacrifice myself to that.

It reminded me of that old saying- two sides to every story. Two sides at least.
I have... sides. More than one. I'm just trying to find what is left of me.

I know what I need to be doing and will get on a more productive track, but the long lapse of productivity has been taking it's toll. I used to be a searching person. I feel I've lost that. I feel harsher and uninspired, my dreams are there, but way down there buried. I'm just trying to get back up on two feet, walk with one foot in front of the other and take comfort and pride in each small step.

I used to look at everything with rapt curiosity, I searched for the life and intent in everything. My heart used to be more open. I wasn't always so watchful and sarcastic in my head. I always have my bases covered. I've been shutting off or dumbing down major parts of me just to get by here without losing my head. That leads to me having days where I just stop having that kind of control and become moody to everyone.

There has been so much that has changed me.

It's been a wild ride about my health. I think I have been a little better, so I have delayed a walk to the walmart pharmacy for the antibiotics I was prescribed. I've been down that road before though and am skeptical though that would make the most sense. It definitely has been something for me to have to sort through.

There are days that I only want to stop, disappear. Maybe that is why we are wired to sleep, just to exit your immediate mind and this dizzy world for a few merciful hours each day.

now

Each person with a different swing in pace, a familiar face is a dying chance.

Sometimes I am afraid that tomorrow is a place where I will only have my name to know

I want something covered in yesterday, here and still existing.

It's Late

I tried being as quiet as possible getting into the house tonight. Not to be secretive, but tomorrow is an early morning for my mom tomorrow. She's leaving around five am and I figure she needs her rest. It's a little crazy to think that she'll be redoing her should again, but there are a few factors that are involved with that so it can't just be looked at with face value.

I've just read up, being a little curious about it, on what kind of long term effects hairdressing has. It doesn't sound like that big of a deal, but like I am telling everyone right now, just hold out your arms in alignment your shoulder. Keep them up for longer than five minutes and tell me how you feel. Your body is not meant to do that for year after year. She started having some small problems when we moved here, but she needed to provide income and ignored it.

I found a few stories just like my moms, also she got most every fun thing they listed. My mom says this is a change for her, that she was very healthy and had no physical problems until about thirty.

This time around she's going to need a lot more help, not that it wasn't offered before but she would do things behind our backs. I want to do what I can to help. We are very different though and don't always get along. This only seems to get worse or better when she is not able to do things. She is someone that likes to get things done her way and only her way.

I hope everything doesn't go nuts now. It has that possibility, but then again, we've all done this before. Everyone is home more often now, so hopefully we'll be able to work together instead of just bumping elbows and getting in each other's way.

crazy myspace

In my mind myspace is the whore of the blogging community. All it does is get around. I hate myspace!!! I notice that here, my blog sits in a forgotten corner. I've shared this url with plenty of close friends, but it just stays at that. It's about myspace, not blogger. I know that on a more popular blog host it could be different, but I like this one. It's the one I found. Still it makes me a little angry that myspace is such an elite one stop shop that the rest can't be bothered with.