awwww

Just read an article about modern stress contributions and the nature of stress in humans. Not to mention---- baboons. Poor baboons, monkies in my mind are an instant symbol of wacky happiness. That makes me want to cry thinking of a heart broken and sullen baboon sitting there pondering the meaning of his small existence in the cold green heartless abyss of a jungle.

I've been having my fill of black licorice. First stick I said to myself - this is deniable. Second - I kind of like this, third, I love this stuff, and from then on it exponentially increased to some crazed obsession.

youngest mother...

I thought seven was the youngest documented age of becoming impregnated, sadly, it's no longer true.

http://scienceroll.com/2006/12/09/the-youngest-mother-ever/
http://www.snopes.com/pregnant/medina.asp

take a look, just don't say it

http://www.whitehouse.gov/news/releases/2007/07/20070717-3.html

Beautiful. This was just passed by the President. It's titled 'Executive Order: Blocking Property of Certain Persons Who Threaten Stabilization Efforts in Iraq'. What this does is allows the White House to take or hold what money or property you have, once they decide you are "undermining efforts" in this war in any way.

Aren't you glad we still have our freedom of speech and demonstration?

olive pizza

It was about the pizza. He threw his arms up into the air, turned in a half circle. He said it wasn't possible. "What's wrong" I asked without getting an answer. He went on to say several times that he couldn't do it, in a mumble that sounded like a yell. From there he became increasingly irritated as if everything he did had to be approved of. He just wouldn't answer. Every movement he made was both frantic and erratic. The tin foil wouldn't stick to the crust. But she wanted it on so it wouldn't burn. But it wouldn't stay on it kept on falling. But she wanted it on so it wouldn't burn. But it would come off after he had formed it again. But she wanted it on so it wouldn't burn.

He threw the pizza in said I don't care anymore SCREW it. He walked off, turned around in a hurry, and began cursing. He forgot the olives.

The pizza had a huge clump of olives, almost more olives than pizza. He threw the pizza in the second time, walked away.

It's so sad he's afraid to do anything wrong when it comes to her.

odd.

I have to tell myself a few times that this week is over before I start to believe it. It's not that I have done much this week, it's just the rate at which the days started and ended.

My younger sister came back listless after her red eye flight from D.C. today. The trip was mostly paid for by her 'Teenage Republican' group. There was no sightseeing, except to go see the Capitol. The entire week was filled with plenty of meetings to the point where it couldn't even be classified as a trip, she might have been closed in a hotel in this state for that matter.

I saw my cousin tie the knot last week, I had to ignore how strange it was to remember that she's only a few months younger than I am. I wasn't able to see the ceremony because that requires a Mormon temple recommend, which upsets me to think of how many more I may for this reason. It explains why receptions are so big here, there are a few people who can't come to the actual wedding.

Her wedding day was pretty typical of her outlook on life, it has to be overdone and expensive. She jumped on the marriage band wagon shortly after her parents told her if she didn't want to pay for things herself she would have to get married. I wonder if they are really even in love at all, sadly even this would seem less important than the fact that she was wed in a mormon temple to our extended family.
What the hell is marriage anyway.

wo0t

This is awesome...

I just bought an OCARINA!!!!!!



^_________________^



It's all blue like the one in Zelda: Ocarina of Time.

seasoned

hope is something halfway
between a feather and a jaw
when he slept around me
as easy as a fall
I held my head just so
that hope might slip in oddly
my hope is hidden
in the frenzy of his body

fear has come upon me cried
and stiffening at night
there isn't time
and I'm dirtier than I would like
I can lie so fear don't see me
a sweater on the floor
or I can clean
like I've never been scared before

I have talked of love
til it's ragged hanging loose
my heart is busted
from enthusiastic overuse
now love is stealthy
hiding under ribs
love laughs at me
it knows exactly what it is

hope is something halfway
between a feather and a jaw
when you slept around me
as easy as a fall
I held my head just so
and hope dis slip in oddly
my hope is hidden
in the frenzy of your body.

-Veda Hille

those walls

Anna seems different at church, which would make two of us. This church isn't my decision, just something that's required of me as long as I live here. I think she was once able to accept that I had different beliefs. What I don't think she can accept is seeing me in that atmosphere half assed and distanced.

Everytime I catch her in the hallway, I can hear how strained and simulated her responses are.

switching off

I kept my tongue bit while sweeping the kitchen. I don't even have the leeway to not understand without being snapped at. I understand she is stressed but it's very parallel to how she normally is with everyone and it is hard to coexist at times. I thought about how she will only ever know her side of any given situation. Even still I'm the outspoken seemingly rash one. I stand up for myself when it comes to the important things and it sets my mom off to be challenged. She needs control but I can't sacrifice myself to that.

It reminded me of that old saying- two sides to every story. Two sides at least.
I have... sides. More than one. I'm just trying to find what is left of me.

I know what I need to be doing and will get on a more productive track, but the long lapse of productivity has been taking it's toll. I used to be a searching person. I feel I've lost that. I feel harsher and uninspired, my dreams are there, but way down there buried. I'm just trying to get back up on two feet, walk with one foot in front of the other and take comfort and pride in each small step.

I used to look at everything with rapt curiosity, I searched for the life and intent in everything. My heart used to be more open. I wasn't always so watchful and sarcastic in my head. I always have my bases covered. I've been shutting off or dumbing down major parts of me just to get by here without losing my head. That leads to me having days where I just stop having that kind of control and become moody to everyone.

There has been so much that has changed me.

It's been a wild ride about my health. I think I have been a little better, so I have delayed a walk to the walmart pharmacy for the antibiotics I was prescribed. I've been down that road before though and am skeptical though that would make the most sense. It definitely has been something for me to have to sort through.

There are days that I only want to stop, disappear. Maybe that is why we are wired to sleep, just to exit your immediate mind and this dizzy world for a few merciful hours each day.

now

Each person with a different swing in pace, a familiar face is a dying chance.

Sometimes I am afraid that tomorrow is a place where I will only have my name to know

I want something covered in yesterday, here and still existing.

It's Late

I tried being as quiet as possible getting into the house tonight. Not to be secretive, but tomorrow is an early morning for my mom tomorrow. She's leaving around five am and I figure she needs her rest. It's a little crazy to think that she'll be redoing her should again, but there are a few factors that are involved with that so it can't just be looked at with face value.

I've just read up, being a little curious about it, on what kind of long term effects hairdressing has. It doesn't sound like that big of a deal, but like I am telling everyone right now, just hold out your arms in alignment your shoulder. Keep them up for longer than five minutes and tell me how you feel. Your body is not meant to do that for year after year. She started having some small problems when we moved here, but she needed to provide income and ignored it.

I found a few stories just like my moms, also she got most every fun thing they listed. My mom says this is a change for her, that she was very healthy and had no physical problems until about thirty.

This time around she's going to need a lot more help, not that it wasn't offered before but she would do things behind our backs. I want to do what I can to help. We are very different though and don't always get along. This only seems to get worse or better when she is not able to do things. She is someone that likes to get things done her way and only her way.

I hope everything doesn't go nuts now. It has that possibility, but then again, we've all done this before. Everyone is home more often now, so hopefully we'll be able to work together instead of just bumping elbows and getting in each other's way.

crazy myspace

In my mind myspace is the whore of the blogging community. All it does is get around. I hate myspace!!! I notice that here, my blog sits in a forgotten corner. I've shared this url with plenty of close friends, but it just stays at that. It's about myspace, not blogger. I know that on a more popular blog host it could be different, but I like this one. It's the one I found. Still it makes me a little angry that myspace is such an elite one stop shop that the rest can't be bothered with.

Different

I found an old letter today while making an attempt to clean this mess of legends I call my room. An old really sad letter that had different and tangled up emotions attached to it from the time I first read it. It reminded me of all the people I know or have known.

A part of getting older is watching familiar places and people - go or become changed. It's hard to think of how many loved ones I have had over the years. Along with that there is thinking about how I watched them branch out in different directions. I think of how many people I will still know in a year and can't count it on one hand.

There used to be a small handful of people my age in this neighborhood that I could call for stupid things. Things like- "hey did the power go out over art your house", or "hey I'm locked out can I hang out over here for a while?"

Different is the right word here. Different is the way I remember things. Different is the way I feel, and am.