If I were to learn only by trial and error, I would say never show weakness or vulnerablity, that raises a white flag, inviting scavengers. But it doesn't work that way. I am only waiting for something to finish, so that I can finally begin.
I'm a little unsure on this, on dating... A part of me wants them to go away or find someone else cause I am not up to it right now. Whenever I will be, who knows? I am not sure of the time, but when my life starts making sense again, that will be when. And then there is my cousin, who is complaining because she can't find anyone and no one is interested, which goes to show life doesn't distribute things equally.
So again, fighting an old battle that feels like I've always had to fight, yet it is so recent. And it scares me because there is no target, no visible opponent. the thing that scares me most is not being able to rely on my own senses, because after all, in such an unpredictable world you have to keep on your toes. It's a bit unnerving to be unable to rely on my own resources, even if it's only part of the time...
This isn't going to be as easy as I hoped it would be. Again, parents come into the picture and complicate things. I never thought I would have to beg to get a college application fee paid by them. My mom has been putting off filling out her part on my FASFA application form. And then when I ask to go down to Snow College to talk to them about scholarships, my mom tells me I have to go with someone else because she doesn't want to go on a three hour drive. How much more backward could this situation be? Most parents would support higher education, but to them it's more of a nuisance. I am even applying to the least expensive, best school open to me. I've done all this on my own, but since I can't meet the deadlines without something on their part, it still seems as a burden to my parents.
So, it better work out because despite my reverse senioritis, I want so badly to get out of here.
& everything in between
Musics
1 comment:
I've always felt there was something wholly tragic with your parents. Ok, more seen than felt...
Even old wars must end, but of course, I know what you are going through. Once I had finally found where I was going and had my direction, I was set. I was planning the path, following it for hundreds of miles on down. But a storm washed the road from under me, and now I must climb again to the top seeking a new path. It almost killed me, and even more I hate setbacks (and such a serious one...). It will go on, and I'm not saying that out of some eternal and hopeless hope. I do not say it because I take comfort in thinking that maybe I have offset your despair. I say it because it has no choice. I won't let things stop me, and if I have to, I'll drag you along with me.
I find that this recent war, as it were, has given me a new found disdain for the race. And while it's not their fault, once you have been robbed, do you not search for thieves in all places? And I try not to, but I am weary of those around me. Who knows when their fickle natures will again wound me. But alas, I go on undaunted. When you fall, you brush yourself off and begin again your journey. Not because you are too prideful to accept defeat, but because you don't really have a choice.
If the need arises I can call in some sort of favor or arrangement that will make it so you can be there. You know you just have to ask and I will find a way for it to happen. You know how hard it was on me for school, but it didn't stop me and I won't let it stop you.
As for not being able to use your senses, perhaps you are neglecting one that is so often neglected...? Your mind can be a powerful tool, more so than given credit for. And believe it or not, if you can find stillness of mind during a turmoil, you'll stop the spinning and go back about your directions with new determination.
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