After all this I'm almost sure I can take any thing shot my way. I only reassure myself by thinking the ammuniton must be running low.

I hate to feel defenseless and unarmed, especially since life has never shown me much of peace. Seems like I've always had to fight or brace myself from these kinds of circumstances that keep arising. Time and time again I've come to realize I can only depend on my own resources. It makes me feel so naked and vulnerable this way. Been feeling that alot lately in the past few months. They were all inconsistent, but I am slowly making reparations. I can't afford to be that way...

The more I think about this, and my life, the more this makes sense. This reflex is in me. So dammit, keep on shooting. And if you sink one, it's just a flesh wound. When the little bugger runs out it best take caution. Cause that will be my time to retaliate.

If I were to learn only by trial and error, I would say never show weakness or vulnerablity, that raises a white flag, inviting scavengers. But it doesn't work that way. I am only waiting for something to finish, so that I can finally begin.

I'm a little unsure on this, on dating... A part of me wants them to go away or find someone else cause I am not up to it right now. Whenever I will be, who knows? I am not sure of the time, but when my life starts making sense again, that will be when. And then there is my cousin, who is complaining because she can't find anyone and no one is interested, which goes to show life doesn't distribute things equally.

So again, fighting an old battle that feels like I've always had to fight, yet it is so recent. And it scares me because there is no target, no visible opponent. the thing that scares me most is not being able to rely on my own senses, because after all, in such an unpredictable world you have to keep on your toes. It's a bit unnerving to be unable to rely on my own resources, even if it's only part of the time...

This isn't going to be as easy as I hoped it would be. Again, parents come into the picture and complicate things. I never thought I would have to beg to get a college application fee paid by them. My mom has been putting off filling out her part on my FASFA application form. And then when I ask to go down to Snow College to talk to them about scholarships, my mom tells me I have to go with someone else because she doesn't want to go on a three hour drive. How much more backward could this situation be? Most parents would support higher education, but to them it's more of a nuisance. I am even applying to the least expensive, best school open to me. I've done all this on my own, but since I can't meet the deadlines without something on their part, it still seems as a burden to my parents.

So, it better work out because despite my reverse senioritis, I want so badly to get out of here.

Extension

I always said that it was impossibleto live and be aware, that is how we began but we needed more. The further forward we went, the more we needed to imagine other landscapes, other conquests. I am blind on earth but I know the way,the same gestures repeated over and over daily, I know all the tastes, the artificial flavours, I am capable of not breathing. My hands don't grope, I know the way and I invent new turns, other landscapes, the further forward I go, the more I must leave my habits behind. So I imagine that things are not what they seem,that my life is changing, that boredom wears off. I always knew that I was lying but sometimes however I am not so certain when under my foot a hole that I never felt appears. Thus I can keep on walking because I want more, always more.

-Morthem Vlade