trying as best as I can

With every visit to the doctor I only get more frustrated, instead of comforted. I don't have the energy for it but I recognize that it's worse to be in the dark. It's a hard process for me and I usually go in a bit scared or flustered. After each time I realize that I have less and less faith in so called professionals and have to remember when it comes down to it- I'm just quizzing them on subjects they studied once upon a time in school and they may or may not be up to date.

I've been trying to come up with what to do for a job in the present. If I part time it and land an underrated job under 20 hours a week- hey guess what I get to still get funded for college. If I full time it and actually go a for a job I can feel proud of - I have to solo it for school but can get insurance amongst other things and might be able to move out again. There was a deep seated reason why I moved out in the first place and I am reminded of that at certain times.

I've decided that this time around I am going to need to be able to drive which will be quite the step to make. I'm 19, when you're expected to have that all covered by 16. I never got a whole lot of experience behind the wheel at that tender age of 16. I have my reasons for it and have done pretty well without driving. It has it's place still, so when the time is right and finances permit I'll be looking into getting a vehicle.

In the mean time I'm trying to resume what I'd do if I was feeling well anyway. It can be a challenge, just a day at a time I guess. I notice sometimes though that I spread my energy too thin and still do more than I should. It's something I need to watch, yes, but it keeps me going and it's the right adjustment to make overall.

I really appreciate the one who has been there for me through all of this, without a real reason right away. I know very well I can tackle most anything alone if I will it and yet you stubbornly persist in trying to help. No simple thankyou could communicate the gratitude I feel.

I bought new shoes tonight when I was wandering around town. I've been putting it off, but it got done when it seemed like the symbollic thing to do. I figured I needed something sturdy to walk on.