my own way there, my own way back home

Well it's been done. I should be moving out next week.

They know where I stand. She knows that I'm leaving. She's not too happy with my living with a "Non Member". It's sad that there is such a strong name for that. She's also upset that I won't claim her family's religion and embarrased I can't help to suit her expectation she feels from her family to her children's membership. My dad pleaded with me to keep my mouth shut, that it's best to avoid it and simply agree but... I can't do that. I haven't been able to do that for sometime, but now it's louder. This is the time for me to finally open it. I hate to break it to her but I do have a voice.

My dad is a little scared to see me go, but he's saying not to listen to her. He says he knows I will find my way and it's nice to feel that at least one of my parents have faith in me.

It's all necessary. I need to go my own way.

a little backward

Tammy’s eyes lit up when she said "Hey you never know, maybe someone might find love today..." At this I smirked and replied, "Perhaps. You sound silly when you say it that way."

I came out of history and passed a girl She put her hands down on her hips shook her head and said "Well you know, if HE’S going to say that then HE doesn’t deserve you." As she flipped the hair out of her face.
I walked faster down the hall when I felt myself starting to laugh at the valley attitude.

It was like every couple had fallen off of the face of the earth. Usually they all seem to come out of the woodwork especially on this holiday. No one was holding hands at all as I went about campus. Tammy wondered if they all died.

I admit I started the day out on a more dismal mindset. My mom and I were suppoesed to have girl's day out today, go out to eat and other such things. Our religious disagreement the night before had cancelled that.

After Anna’s and my plans for the day changed, I decided to use the money I would have used on movie rentals. I went on a mad hunt for watches that day. In the back of my mind I was seriously considering majoring graphic design again as I was getting finnicky over the watch bands and faces. That little voice in my head became big and said these? These? I suddenly wanted to make my own watch, custom design one as I was criticing them all. Screw designer watches, I will never wear something over $80 out in public. Screw it.

The mad watch hunting took me to Target where I passed a mini stampede of three toddlers exclaiming "Get this un this one for mommy!". They shoved it into their fathers hand who said, "Well that’s nice. But this year daddy isn’t getting mommy anything so I won’t get mommy this. Let’s go."

I wasn’t sure about the watches there so I took off over to the mall. If I can inject this in right now it was the first time I have ever seen an Asian mannequin before. Anyway. I passed two teenaged looking guys pushing around little strollers hovering in front of the clothing departments looking like they would rather just be shot on the spot then wait for the bill to come when their wives said " ‘kay there hon, I’m ready to go." It’s the day of the empty wallet.

It's turned into a day of diamonds and chocolate. Like in a Fiona Apple song - I don't understand /diamonds or why men / get them, the only impressive thing / about them is the mining. There are all these girls expecting these flamboyant gifts completely original and exotic as a manifestation of their worth or the worth of their relationship. People lose the meaning of it sometimes while going through the motions. I'm a symbol person. I like different ways to find meaning but when it's stretched out so vainly and nervously far and REQUIRED I think all these little gifts loose their meaning.

Still watch hunting I took the escalator upstairs as I watched this small assembly down the stairs. It was a beauty pageant , the announcer had a gameshow voice and plenty of three feet tall gold trophies to distribute. There was this little girl with a crown on her head that looking like a vertical beak. Her parents should have given little miss muffet her curds and whey. The announcer took the mic and said "Now our boys were harder to judge then the girls, but here are our winners, Joey and parents please step forward." This tiny little mother comes forward and bounces her little baby boy. Agoo goo goo. Look how pretty my kid is—awwh! What the? Should children have to evaluate their looks even younger now? It’s already damaging enough for preteenage girls to compare themselves to other girls. Sometimes I want to scream when Lindsey and her friends begin talking in this way complaining that they’re fat or not pretty enough. Can someone explain to me the reason for a children’s division in beauty pagents?? Someone please explain. Please. I hurried up the escalator as I had started to laugh hysterically at the sight.

If I’m ever bitter on valentines its not a conventional bitterness it’s an anger towards what the modern societal perception of love is coming to. It’s sad. Really sad. Even when you start to think of it how one human will regard another even when favored...

Usually you can sniff out the holiday in the air but there were no tell tale signs of Valentines today. I usually saw that Valentines was a day which dissolves all fears of PDA. Really. But this year it was almost in reverse. Tammy at least had a happy valentines story at least which I was glad for after seeing all this disregard where ever I went.

On a plus note I found a watch fairly priced. On a bigger plus note I found a really really nice potential apartment. *drool*

put my feet where the earth should be

I get this feeling of rushed motion sometimes when the world starts to sway both left and right at once. You’d think that the forces would cancel out, but not really. One receptor feels the right, the other brushes to the left. I center around this imbalance.

Keep your eye on the ball, but what if gravity doesn’t count? What if it doesn't descend in an arc? One must have a guess at the course it will take to keep up otherwise you are trailing. Pilots are taught not to see but to imagine in flight school since the visual field was meant to be perceived when grounded. In the air all sorts of perceptions fire about location, weight, balance. Air pressure and localities are attacked.unordinary images messing with the understanding the view. Not to say these instincts are bad, they are only given for ordinary survival. They all have differend systems and mediums to reason with. Not even the forest for the trees, maybe the focal emphasis should be the circular thicket and the forest life.

There is always a picture that forms of a dilapidated train yard that follows these sensations. I will know something before I should and become the informed resident. waiting to feel that inevitable drowning. That's just it though, drowning is sitting right here knowing that reasons can’t crunch in every hue in one color wheel, maps itself out in a fifth dimension. Complexity is beautiful, even when sad. Sadness makes things more beautiful, beauty can create such pain.

I almost cared enough to put that wandering nav bar in its place. Almost.

Once.

blah and blah

Eye contact. Try it sometime on a stranger, watch them fidget. One of the fast acting antidotes to boredom. Oh dear. lol. What did I just do?

There is a sense of removal when I walk around campus. A pencil behind my ear, untied shoes, and ragged jeans. I look like this bipedal turtle with myoverstuffed green backpack.

My eyes usually catch the tops of the trees and the lanterns scattered about. Sometimes I catch people's eyes as I walk around, trying to think of what these people are thinking. On a slower week I think I'll count the weirdos who can't walk straight cause they are holding hands or the ones with a cell phone jabbed up to one ear.

I think one of the funniest things I've seen up here was a poster advertising the gay straight alliance down here which was immediately flocked out by all the religious club promotions. It made me giggle. Take time to stop and smell the headbutting propoganda.

Side note: yeah! I made it into metaphor! end side note.

How available these clubs seem to be, postings everywhere for these other clubs except the one that I have interest in. The writing club I'm looking for I've had to stalk for week upon week. I'm told that it exists at least...

The Davis campus has been really nice and I've been able to meet all sorts of people there. Down here at the main, it's so huge you're lucky to see one person twice. Trying to find things to do down here to get to know people, but no luck this far. The one class I have here is a dead end for that road. Most everyone in my history class has a self image complex or an uncanny fixation with football. Complete lack of variety there.

My mistake was thinking that the battle with financial aid was resolved, but I've been trying for the last two hours to accept my award and its not letting me. internet traffic.

I'm debating on whether or not I should laspe back into my being a bum and cancel my drivers insurace. As much as I love paying $108 a month to operate a vehicle I get to use maybe once or twice every other week... As much as I love thinking about accident rates and thinking of the three accidents I've been in, and the many many I've seen in the surrounding area. I think I'll pass.

Might as well take UTA around like I'm about to do now.

Straylight run

To anyone who is idling over the internet with a much coveted highspeed connection, get curious and check out this link.

It's such an odd music video, one of the few worth watching. I like.
http://music.vidnet.com/player/22410/straylight_run_hands_in_the_sky_300.php