I’ve been refraining from posting anything too significant lately, as it would attract the kind of attention I would not like to have. It’s been a little rough now and then and I’m becoming more and more ready to live on my own. To make it brief there’s been a few happenings here that call out loudly for me to leave. I sometimes feel like an alien in my own house. I care about different things that they would never even begin to consider. I can’t compromise myself as I have before... but the order of things here run differently. Whoever goes to the furthest extreme wins, whoever does the most damage. It’s a real load of crap. And the advice I get for this is to appease my mom, say nothing back. Do nothing and be walked all over...
I haven’t been feeling too well. I’m finding out some new fun things to worry about to make me feel like I’m sixty. I hate feeling frail.
I’m really enjoying work these days. The staff is very diverse, but even though we’re all our own people we all get along smoothly. It has a very warm atmosphere so I feel really lucky. I’ve heard people complaining about their bosses, but I can’t complain about mine. It’s nice here.
We just hired an Ethiopian someone whose name I’m still trying to retain. He’s quick to smile and very meek. His accent is one that I’m not familiar with, it’s soft and very focused on curved vowels. He struck off a deal between us, if I teach him English, he will teach me Arabic. Arabic! That’s not even his first language either. He’s very homesick but he must stay here for two more years because of a program he’s enrolled in. Personally I think modern American culture is cold, conformist, and too focused on material items. I would be home sick as well. I’m always asking him about Africa and what it’s like to walk on Ethiopian soils.
I hope to travel through other countries someday. Not just to vacation but to have more exposure to other cultures, interact with new peoples, and hear unknown languages. The farthest out I’ve been is in the ocean, waaay back when. I hope that it can be possible for me someday. That I can do more with it than dream about it from a distance.
Monday, August 29, 2005
Monday, August 22, 2005
Unwritten
I am so unheathily nocturnal. It's by choice these days or nights if you want me to be specific. I do get tired of having to be so politically correct, if speaking freely is so controversial. Ai yi yi.
I don't enjoy having my dreams shot down by the world, by reality, by what some would call fate. They aren't dead.
What I'm talking about isn't even recent, it's completely unwritten so far from where I stand.
I've got to go the way I've got to go. I'm a passionate person and I would be unhappy winding up with a bland occupation. I think I've just lost my hold on my dorm to a south weber girl who is driving my cousin up the wall.
Life unfolds itself each day, taking and then adding. I'm getting older. The grounds are shifting again and I'm almost comfortable with it if that's the word. Almost.
Changes send me off in streams of thought. We spend our whole lives trying to classify only to rearrange... It's an uncontrolled experiement with infinite varibles. It even boils down to the probability of a possiblity.
The roads are wide. I'm trailing off at highspeeds, and this time I have no guardrails.
I don't enjoy having my dreams shot down by the world, by reality, by what some would call fate. They aren't dead.
What I'm talking about isn't even recent, it's completely unwritten so far from where I stand.
I've got to go the way I've got to go. I'm a passionate person and I would be unhappy winding up with a bland occupation. I think I've just lost my hold on my dorm to a south weber girl who is driving my cousin up the wall.
Life unfolds itself each day, taking and then adding. I'm getting older. The grounds are shifting again and I'm almost comfortable with it if that's the word. Almost.
Changes send me off in streams of thought. We spend our whole lives trying to classify only to rearrange... It's an uncontrolled experiement with infinite varibles. It even boils down to the probability of a possiblity.
The roads are wide. I'm trailing off at highspeeds, and this time I have no guardrails.
Tuesday, August 16, 2005
Human minds who disagree... but everyone is looking for something
I consider myself to be very allowing and liberal but there are still ideas that I can never even begin to consider. Someone presented the idea that since no one person can supply you with everything that you need monogamous relationships do not make sense. As I am sitting here I can’t silence the choir of ‘whys’ in three part harmony in my head. Are we as people meant to have everything that we want? Why does getting it all help anyone to grow? I have seen many people in my life who have not cherished what they have been given. What I find so frightening are people who take love and affection for granted. Human nature is to be fickle, why should this trait be encouraged?. Why would having been with so many different people not spoil how they measure the worth of an individual person? I would very much like to think that people are not disposable, like objects that can easily be replaced.
If an individual has limits and a set personality will it in time starve the other in a relationship? Are commitments between a couple inside a serious responsible relationship solely built upon benefits the other can extend? Is love only sought out for selfish gain? Is being with a fellow human who understandably has natural weaknesses so oppressive?
Is it so hard to commit over long periods of time inside of relationship? Because it gets ‘old’? Is monogamy supposedly so unnatural because of these timed expiration dates? Is it like a favorite song that has been overplayed? What is not understood that so much is unwritten about people, we are constantly recomposing ourselves in various ways. A person is not a 3 and a half minute song produced by a one hit wonder band. Oh I’m done with you I know all the words you will say, I know you too well. I know that I am constantly unfolding and evolving everyday and I hope that this is for the better. It maybe that I am just weird, but the longer I have known someone, the more connected I am to them.
I am a creative person, I enjoy cultivating matter and creating. I find music completely necessary. Does this mean I must marry an artist , a poet, or a musician to be satisfied? No! While I can’t say I wouldn’t want to, what I am really looking for is just someone who can understand my thinking or at least where my thinking comes from. I don’t need someone to appreciate and approve of all my interests. Just as long as they can understand that I feel it deeply.
What I am saying is not that you can’t expect anything out of the other person in a relationship with you. I am saying that if someone doesn’t meet all your requirements on a personality level, doesn’t get a ‘A’ in all your favorite subjects, that’s okay. What I look for is someone who has the capacity to understand who I am and understand and share my values. I can expect them to be compassionate and loyal, cause I think these traits are attractive even romantic. I can expect them to be a true individual in a world whose peoples survival depend on conforming. I can expect whoever it is to think for himself, and to be logical in decisions. I have met many people who are poetic who through their hands up in the air while trying to read or write a poem. I have met artless artists and passionless musicians. I’m not going to pack my bags and leave someone because they are too quiet and tone deaf, because they can’t sketch a convincing stick figure etc. As with any person you meet there will be something unlikable about them. Realizing the humanity in someone while knowing what it is about them that matters- this is so beautiful to me. Loving someone unashamed. You can be and should be careful and clearly decisive in these matters. You should be careful who you give a part of yourself over to, and who you will be receiving a part of. I don’t want such a personal exchange to be in vain.
Polygamy eliminates the need to choose. I feel comfortable with monogamy and commitments because I know that I am capable of making with adequate time sane and worthwhile judgements. If I am wrong on something it will turn out okay? Why? Because I learn from screwing things up. Sometimes it is a few episodes of trial and error that I need to expand my ability to make a good judgement.
I see it like this, by choosing to be monogamous I am saying I respect myself. I am saying that my love is worth being kept, that it is a rare thing and by not giving issuing out romantic love to everyone I have made it precious. I have a price and an indefinite value. In return I have to earn the love of someone else and I can expect it from everyone.
In a world where people come and go out of my life, where I can take no one for granted it is nice to have a hold on a certain amount of consistency. This is something I usually keep to myself but for the arguments’ sake I will bring it up. The fact is people leave. They go you go. A spouse is someone who has agreed unconditionally to stay a part of your life forever. (good heavens I sound like a RS handbook) The first person you see is that person when you wake up. And how beautiful it is to think that you will not lose touch with that person. It is a timeless alliance that takes honor to uphold. But the rest of society sees marriage as imprisonment. Looking at the rising divorce rates marriage isn’t trendy anymore. So if embracing my values is unnatural or relatively unconventional, I dare to beat against the tide.
If an individual has limits and a set personality will it in time starve the other in a relationship? Are commitments between a couple inside a serious responsible relationship solely built upon benefits the other can extend? Is love only sought out for selfish gain? Is being with a fellow human who understandably has natural weaknesses so oppressive?
Is it so hard to commit over long periods of time inside of relationship? Because it gets ‘old’? Is monogamy supposedly so unnatural because of these timed expiration dates? Is it like a favorite song that has been overplayed? What is not understood that so much is unwritten about people, we are constantly recomposing ourselves in various ways. A person is not a 3 and a half minute song produced by a one hit wonder band. Oh I’m done with you I know all the words you will say, I know you too well. I know that I am constantly unfolding and evolving everyday and I hope that this is for the better. It maybe that I am just weird, but the longer I have known someone, the more connected I am to them.
I am a creative person, I enjoy cultivating matter and creating. I find music completely necessary. Does this mean I must marry an artist , a poet, or a musician to be satisfied? No! While I can’t say I wouldn’t want to, what I am really looking for is just someone who can understand my thinking or at least where my thinking comes from. I don’t need someone to appreciate and approve of all my interests. Just as long as they can understand that I feel it deeply.
What I am saying is not that you can’t expect anything out of the other person in a relationship with you. I am saying that if someone doesn’t meet all your requirements on a personality level, doesn’t get a ‘A’ in all your favorite subjects, that’s okay. What I look for is someone who has the capacity to understand who I am and understand and share my values. I can expect them to be compassionate and loyal, cause I think these traits are attractive even romantic. I can expect them to be a true individual in a world whose peoples survival depend on conforming. I can expect whoever it is to think for himself, and to be logical in decisions. I have met many people who are poetic who through their hands up in the air while trying to read or write a poem. I have met artless artists and passionless musicians. I’m not going to pack my bags and leave someone because they are too quiet and tone deaf, because they can’t sketch a convincing stick figure etc. As with any person you meet there will be something unlikable about them. Realizing the humanity in someone while knowing what it is about them that matters- this is so beautiful to me. Loving someone unashamed. You can be and should be careful and clearly decisive in these matters. You should be careful who you give a part of yourself over to, and who you will be receiving a part of. I don’t want such a personal exchange to be in vain.
Polygamy eliminates the need to choose. I feel comfortable with monogamy and commitments because I know that I am capable of making with adequate time sane and worthwhile judgements. If I am wrong on something it will turn out okay? Why? Because I learn from screwing things up. Sometimes it is a few episodes of trial and error that I need to expand my ability to make a good judgement.
I see it like this, by choosing to be monogamous I am saying I respect myself. I am saying that my love is worth being kept, that it is a rare thing and by not giving issuing out romantic love to everyone I have made it precious. I have a price and an indefinite value. In return I have to earn the love of someone else and I can expect it from everyone.
In a world where people come and go out of my life, where I can take no one for granted it is nice to have a hold on a certain amount of consistency. This is something I usually keep to myself but for the arguments’ sake I will bring it up. The fact is people leave. They go you go. A spouse is someone who has agreed unconditionally to stay a part of your life forever. (good heavens I sound like a RS handbook) The first person you see is that person when you wake up. And how beautiful it is to think that you will not lose touch with that person. It is a timeless alliance that takes honor to uphold. But the rest of society sees marriage as imprisonment. Looking at the rising divorce rates marriage isn’t trendy anymore. So if embracing my values is unnatural or relatively unconventional, I dare to beat against the tide.
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