"Starting over is alright, the end is so far away."

No rest for the wicked, or so they say. There's truth in that. I'm worn out already. Zero energy. Zip.

Ugh. If I don't crash before the day is over, then I'll call it good.

People aren't falling dead in the streets just yet. But the plague spreads and I carry it. I've had the influenza for a week now. Not just the flu, no, the doctor insists that flu I know is petty stomach flu and this is the influenza. I could have strep too, but I am to the points of not caring. Details...

It's becoming bearable now, it's not bad. I can breathe, I can talk without sounding like a man, and that’s all I care about. Right now all I have is a cough, just a cough.

My sleep last night wasn't as restful as I hoped it would be. My dreams were unsettling, though that isn't anything new. I'm sure I have almost faded out of their lives, and they seem to be taking a part of my life that I never thought they would have. I'm not sure if I want them to completely leave or not.

Approaching them would be pointless, seeing as I would have no reason to. Hi I’m just here to be here, to see if your presence still unnerves me. No it doesn’t work that way. So I've started a journal to them, though it's not meant for them to see. It's strange how what I write in that journal comes as a surprise to me each time. I still have so many mixed feelings directed towards them. Hopefully this will give me a way to

I didn't want to address this, or even dwell on the larger picture but I don't exactly have a lot of options here. Lets see here, do nothing and let my subconscious nag at me, or do something however small to settle myself.

There is a line from a song I like that goes 'we must sucumb to the feelings we can never face.' I'm not comfortable with it, and I never have been with those things, but if I leave it as it is, I will be worse off.

Happy FREAKING Valentines Day.

a.k.a. national singles awareness day. Well, not exactly, a friend told me a joke about it last year. I like calling it that because I couldn't stop laughing when I heard it.

Nevermind. Valentines is crap.

There's a song, whose chorus jumped out at me, "Don't try to open my door with a skeleton key, they all tell me my problem is that I can't find someone as crazy as me." Yep. Holds true. It's so hard to find those peticular crazy people these days, so to speak.

And still, despite how pessimistic this day usually makes me, I made valentines this year. I blame it all on boredom.

The lights flickered and finally blacked out for about ten seconds. After the news I just heard from the librarians here, it's only a tad unnerving.

A Flying J truck transporting butane got into an accident on Highway 89 in Farmington and took out a van. The butane tank it carried cracked open. I don't know much about physics, but I'd like to know how this happened. The butane carried over through the air over to a nearby farm, and it caused an explosion, but the damage was only internal. The outside of the farm was not damaged.

There was an evacuation order called for in the area, where Mrs. Orem lives. They were told to leave immediately and report to the city hall or an elementary. Emergency vehicles rushed down the streets with bullhorns announcing the evacuation.

At first she was not told why, and if I were her, I would assume either a) apocolyspe or b) World War three.

So when the lights went out, then flickered, then went pitch black, I was expecting some sort of impending doom.

"Drawn to the weather of leave-taking, so that it may be read from a distance"

There are reasons why I wish years would pass by. I want to read this all from a distance.

I told myself there was nothing there, because I thought I had done away with it. And I have, but it will sneak up on me sometimes.

I'm aware of it at least.

Perhaps this is best, at least that's what I want to believe. But it's so hard to believe in anything now, I'm afraid to. The way I thought it would be is of no comfort.

I like to run for these reasons, even at inconvenient hours, in places I don't know, cause it feels like I'm getting away from everything that I'd rather have behind me. Even if it drains me, I really don't care. I'm tired of having to be so cautious.

Everything about me wants to leave this place, to graduate and finally move away from everything I know. It's not happening soon enough.

I continue

Again, there's a danger in being too hopeful. I always take the risk of that. I jumped a little ahead of myself, and almost made a mistake I could not afford, at least not yet. I want to. Can't explain how bad I want to, but I just can't leave myself open again for something so unstable.

I'm not ready, and it took someone completely out of the situation to show me that. The woman's curiousity caught me completely offguard. It was brief, but it surprised me that I acted the way I did. I was surprised to find that my eyes teared up, like everything just resurfaced then. I made it a point to leave, without letting that reaction show up, if I saw her see that, I would have to admit to myself there is still something there that I would rather ignore.

Two weeks of nothing and finally a day that's eventful. It was strange on Sunday. I didn't listen to the meeting much, there were too many familiar faces. The whole building had the feeling of 'I've been here before'. Some of the people weren't as evasive as I had expected. There was even a bit of catching up inbetween the small talk.

In the family get together afterward, my relatives discussed college with me at length. As we were talking I felt that senioritis kick in. I'm looking forward to that challenge and the independence. It made it feel more real and concrete talking about the plans I have after highschool. (No, I'm not going to beauty school, even if they tell me it's in my blood.) I got a bit of feedback on Snow College and the small town where it's located, which was very nice. I'm looking forward to it, though leaving my siblings will be hard.

I touched bases with my cousin, who I will be rooming with. I can't help but to laugh at myself. I told her I was feeling good about the Magnolia dorums because I heard that they were nice and they included cooking areas which she wanted. (I'm so so glad she can cook, I burn so much food you could call me a pyromaniac.) What I didn't say is why I liked the Magnolia dorums. lol. I love magnolias, I like they way their petals look. I also like the way the word magnolia sounds. Could there be a better name for a dorum? And it has a spiral staircase, a real actual spiral staircase!!! Sadly, those two trivial reasons alone are almost enough to make up my mind, and I'm such an indecisive person.

I have mixed feelings on rooming with my cousin. It will be nice to actually know at least one of my roomates, and actually be aquainted with them. Much better than being stuck with a stranger. Rooming with family is inevitable, I have cousins EVERYWHERE. But this also takes away a part of the solitude (not the word I'm looking for but whatever) I was hoping for. The family ties I have with her will make it harder to be independent in the way that I would like to be. Next to that, I'm always afraid of offending her. I feel like I can't be myself around her. Rooming with other people involves tolerance, or so I understand. Maybe all of this is imagined.

Since I was already in the area, I decided to drop by and visit an old friend after the party. We also did some catching up. Okay, a lot of catching up. I laughed a bit when she asked why I of all people would be shy. I'm not exactly what you would call shy, it's something other than that. I guess it's that I'm a little more guarded than I should be. Quiet, yes, I'm quiet, but that's starting to change, it's getting like it was before, almost to the point where I don't shut up. It was good to see her again. It's been a while but I don't think time has ever been a barrier between us.

Got a lot on my mind right now but these kinds of overloads seem almost natural. The courses life takes is funny sometimes. Funny in a chaotic sort of way.

I got a bumper sticker and I'm in love.

THINK:

I refuse to have a battle of wits

with an unarmed person.

My sweater is on backwards and inside out, and you say how appropriate

So next week, due to family buisness, I'll be going to my Uncle's ward for a baby blessing. My previous ward. Should prove to be interesting seeing people I went to school with back in the day. It seems wherever I go in Bountiful, my reputation there follows me...

Still, I have a message to give, from a friend, to one of the guys from my previous 'group'. I could so easily play matchmaker here, but that's if I choose to, it wouldn't be the first time I've tried to set them up. Of course I creep them out up there, him included...

Talking to that friend was interesting, she still keeps in touch with them. From what I heard, the group dynamics are still just as chaotic as ever if not worse, and well, I'm reminded that I came to this school for a reason. I hated the teenage politics and the class divisions not to mention the endless drama. I didn't choose to conform to that, I was backward when it came to it. No wonder I chose to stand in the shadows...

People were scared of me there, scared. Still are I guess, there at least. Bountiful people are very strange. It was because I didn't seem normal, because I didn't look them in a group A and group B environment. It didn't really help that I cussed or that I had a sadistic sense of humor or the million other reasons why I didn't fit the part. Kinda intimidated people, though now, I'm almost harmless (by choice), but I can't say that for then.

Couldn't help it this time, had to quote Ms. Morrisette on this one. It just goes to show why I hate fashion and the idea that a person's style reflects their personality and status. I get enough of that BS at home. My parents hold to that strongly, sadly enough, I would have liked to think that people would see the stupidity in that as they grew older. They're still worried of what people think of them, and then you got me, I don't give a damn. Hell, I've been punished before because I wanted to wear something 'springy' to church during the winter season. No wonder I'm so anti-fashion.

Yes, me and my tangents... Back to what I was saying... I've almost missed that reputation, if not that identity, as I am seen as harmless and innocent. I use the word almost, and only because it worked to my advantage then, but it would not now. I used that outlook as a shield there, to keep people away that let a petty appearance determine who I am. Though it was nice to somewhat kill off the expectations from my parents. I have no need to completely shut people out, because of what it once made me. Live and learn they say.

So anyway, I'm hoping to get a few laughs out of it, if they seem a little withdrawn. I'm going to talk to them regardless, though they may not recognize me with light hair. I haven't seen real fear in a long while. Though what they are afraid of, I do not know.

After all this I'm almost sure I can take any thing shot my way. I only reassure myself by thinking the ammuniton must be running low.

I hate to feel defenseless and unarmed, especially since life has never shown me much of peace. Seems like I've always had to fight or brace myself from these kinds of circumstances that keep arising. Time and time again I've come to realize I can only depend on my own resources. It makes me feel so naked and vulnerable this way. Been feeling that alot lately in the past few months. They were all inconsistent, but I am slowly making reparations. I can't afford to be that way...

The more I think about this, and my life, the more this makes sense. This reflex is in me. So dammit, keep on shooting. And if you sink one, it's just a flesh wound. When the little bugger runs out it best take caution. Cause that will be my time to retaliate.

If I were to learn only by trial and error, I would say never show weakness or vulnerablity, that raises a white flag, inviting scavengers. But it doesn't work that way. I am only waiting for something to finish, so that I can finally begin.

I'm a little unsure on this, on dating... A part of me wants them to go away or find someone else cause I am not up to it right now. Whenever I will be, who knows? I am not sure of the time, but when my life starts making sense again, that will be when. And then there is my cousin, who is complaining because she can't find anyone and no one is interested, which goes to show life doesn't distribute things equally.

So again, fighting an old battle that feels like I've always had to fight, yet it is so recent. And it scares me because there is no target, no visible opponent. the thing that scares me most is not being able to rely on my own senses, because after all, in such an unpredictable world you have to keep on your toes. It's a bit unnerving to be unable to rely on my own resources, even if it's only part of the time...

This isn't going to be as easy as I hoped it would be. Again, parents come into the picture and complicate things. I never thought I would have to beg to get a college application fee paid by them. My mom has been putting off filling out her part on my FASFA application form. And then when I ask to go down to Snow College to talk to them about scholarships, my mom tells me I have to go with someone else because she doesn't want to go on a three hour drive. How much more backward could this situation be? Most parents would support higher education, but to them it's more of a nuisance. I am even applying to the least expensive, best school open to me. I've done all this on my own, but since I can't meet the deadlines without something on their part, it still seems as a burden to my parents.

So, it better work out because despite my reverse senioritis, I want so badly to get out of here.

Extension

I always said that it was impossibleto live and be aware, that is how we began but we needed more. The further forward we went, the more we needed to imagine other landscapes, other conquests. I am blind on earth but I know the way,the same gestures repeated over and over daily, I know all the tastes, the artificial flavours, I am capable of not breathing. My hands don't grope, I know the way and I invent new turns, other landscapes, the further forward I go, the more I must leave my habits behind. So I imagine that things are not what they seem,that my life is changing, that boredom wears off. I always knew that I was lying but sometimes however I am not so certain when under my foot a hole that I never felt appears. Thus I can keep on walking because I want more, always more.

-Morthem Vlade

Fingers...Cold... Heck, I'm wearing gloves indoors. This doesn't help my typing.

This sucks, badly. The temperature feels like it's below zero, and it hasn't been snowing. Just raining. If it has to be cold, can't it snow?

It won't always be this way. A year from now, I won't have to deal with Layton weather. As it turns out, the three colleges I'm considering get loads of snow. *laughs* I'm even thinking about the weather conditions of those schools.

My future seems so unclear. I'm not really sure what I want to go into, most of what I have in mind isn't reasonable, because the job that it would get me really wouldn't pay enough for me to get by. I still have some time to make up my mind, right? All I know is that later on, I want to be able to live with making a living. I want to like what I'll end up doing. And screw the 'well, in time, if you just get married, your husband will take care of it'. I can't plan my life around that kind of variable, so I'm not going to chance it. I mean, I can't depend on a guess, it's something I don't know yet.

Yeah... I went off on a tangent again. The things I do to kill off time at lunch.

Sunday was weird. I was playing computer games, and I zoned out a bit. I looked down at the floor, and when I looked up, I completely forgot where I was. It took me a while to remember that I was in my room, on my computer.

Something like this happened about a year ago. I guess I should be freaked out, but I'm used to things that aren't normal by now. But that doesn't make it any less weird. Even normal human memory is weird enough.

I think everything had to fall apart before things could fall back into place.

I never thought that I would react this way. It's been easier since I've let go, because I don't feel like I have to find a way to fix something that can't be repaired.

Reason Why

I think about how it might have been
We'd spend our days travelin'
It's not that I don't understand you
It's not that I don't want to be with you
But you only wanted me
The way you wanted me

So I will head out alone and hope for the best
And we can hang our heads down
as we skip the goodbyes
You can tell the world what you want them to hear
I've got nothing left to lose my dear
So I'm up for the little white lies
But you and I know the reason why
I'm gone and you're still there

I'll buy a magazine searching for your face
From coast to coast or where ever I find my place
I'll track you on the radio, and
I'll sign your list in a different name
But as close as I get to you
It's not the same...

So, I will head out alone and hope for the best
We can pat ourselves on the back
and say that we 'tried'
And if one of us makes it big
We can spill our regrets
And talk about how it never completely died
But you and I know the reason why
I'm gone and you're still there

So, steal the show and do your best
to cover the tracks that I have left
I wish you well and hope you find
whatever you're looking for
The way I might've changed my mind,
but you only showed me the door

So, I will head out alone and hope for the best
We can pat ourselves on the back and say that we tried
And if one of us makes it big
We can spill our regrets
And talk about how we wish it never died
But you and I know the reason why

-Rachael Yamagata

My optimistic half is trying to tell me that I'm wrong, and that everything is still the same but I just don't see it yet. Of course, I can see how naive and unrealistic my optimisms can be.

A friend of mine said something last week that stuck with me. Nothing big or out of the ordinary, but just a simple descriptive phrase that describes this time in my life. And everything I thought it would be is nothing like it is. How true.

I don't consider myself pessimistic, just realistic. I try to keep myself in balance.

I like having time, but I can't figure out what to do with it. And the weekend does have it's disadavantages. I really hate to see his car out side her house parked on the curb, sticking out like a sore thumb. To me it's a reminder of the way things aren't, of the way things can't be. One thing is for sure, it can't be the way that it used to.

I have other things to be concerned with.

I've never seen myself being this kind of separate. I mean, for the first time I feel like a complete unit. I thought that after something as big as this, with so many close ties cut off, I'd feel like a fraction. Like I was without something. It's hard to describe this; I struggle with words. You'd think that after I'd lost my sense of belonging, I'd feel differently. I would have never guessed this but knowing that I'm not dependent on anyone is comforting. Not to say that I don't care, I amaze myself with how far I'd go to help someone I barely even know. But I've just proven something to myself, something I already knew, but not in this way. I can stand on my own, I'm able to support myself when I need to.
Not to say that relying on anyone else is bad. We aren't meant to be alone. But in order to endure, there are times when it's necessary to support yourself.

I've noticed you never held on. Or even tried to. Because you wanted to be pryed away, you couldn't stop thinking about her.

You were still the same in my dream, as you are (or were, I guess) in real life. Your mannerisms are re-enacted perfectly. And you were scared, intimidated, yet drawn to me at the same time. But your feet where planted, you stood stationed where you where. Driven back, pulled forward, the forces cancelled out. A battle within you; you were sulking, trying for indifference, but you couldn't filter out the look of indescision.

You, there are two yous. I'm not taking about a personality conflict. I'm talking about two different people, Braden and Benson. Different identities, same actions and decisions. Same reasons. A shared conflict. So different, but otherwise completely the same.
I've let go. I have no regrets, and I refuse to repeat the past.

I feel so tranparent sometimes. Like I'm just part of the scenery.

I've learned that some people only believe what they want to believe.

Are holidays are meant to celebrate? I'm tired of all the fuss my family is making, you'd think it's all a military drill. Instead of observing the holidays, we do more decorating than celebrating.

I need a book with a happy ending. The ones I just finished were so depressing when they ended. But isn't it same with most things once they end?

Currently Playing: Duran Duran - Ordinary World