wash away...

Communication has it's limits. Truly.

What sets those limits? Expectations. Perspective. Perception. Bias. Behavior. I talk to each person a little differently as I begin to know them.

What is it? The exchange of ideas, but rarely the linking of them?

Or is it that the ability to listen is slowly becoming lost?

Tangents again...

Half empty or half full. The glass is still a glass with or without content. Maybe the speaker only wants to link the emptiness to the half instead of the other way around to make a lighter observation. Either way it is the same amount, is capable of holding the same measurements.

I hardly know what I'm talking about here. Cashier lunches are so lonesome... Just some of the things I think about when I'm in that dull hospital white breakroom. Just to occupy myself with scraps of matter. Little scribbles in my lil green notebook which someone drew circles and squares on. (hey you...) jk

It's hard to have a life when you're employed.

One of you is going to have to suffer RS alone again as I'll be working.

To anyone who cares I got my first smiley face tonight. I balanced my firstest time ever.

An electrical mishap took a huge bite out of my outlet today and almost killed a neighbor. Fireworks in my bedroom, who else can say that?

wow.

We were hoping that the electrical damage was the smell. A hair appointment told my mom about a bad room smell caused by faulty wiring in the wall which caused the insulation to burn. The guy thought that a rat may have come in the wall and electrocuted himself by chewing through the wire. Yummie. No rat. But I have a really cool hole in my wall and a screen. Hehe.

I feel like a ronchie husband. I've been sleeping on the couch everynight.

Have you ever been despite the odds unexplainably with peace? I don't know how to put it. Purpose faith and contentment maybe? Who knows.

like butterflies

I think splurge is the right word for today. And every now and then indulgence is wonderful.

Did I mention I’m a music geek?

Anna and I went on a music spree and completely disarmed the employees at graywhale with my purchase. We also swung by savers for Anna’s costume of the wenchy mother in law I said I was going to spend money insanely, and I did. I came I saw and I owned.

Positive reinforcement was muchly needed, as anticipated. The day took a different tone once it flowed onto the later hours. Angelo, the operations manager walked out. From what I was told he took off his vest and threw down his manager keys down on the office desk. Walked out and left just like that.

Kara the supervisor was promoted on the spot.

We’re talking about a responsible level headed man here. In the short time I’ve had to get to know him I haven’t known him to act rashly.

It wasn’t much of a surprise. I’ll say this ahead of time I love the people I work with but we have a sneak for a store manager. Something Scott said probably broke the scale. Halloween does get messy but it’s nothing that he couldn’t handle. Scott is slowly collasping the company but this time he’s not even meaning to. I want to know why, and I will.

When Anna and I were discussing costume ideas Angelo brushed past us. I sent out a quick hello. It made me laugh cause he has a hard time recognizing people out of uniform. A quick squint and a pause and then he responded and laughed at himself. Just casual. Nothing out of the ordinary.

Anna and I went on to buy the ugliest moo moo we could find and giggled ourselves to death.

I heard the news a few hours after getting to work. Of course I had to have it repeated twice. Not to say we were close friends or anything like that. He was a good leader though, he kept things in line. He’s not immediately friendly, but he has his own way of connecting with people.

It brought back this general topic. You expect departure to be foreshadowed. You think when people are about to leave you might hear them grumble under their breath every now and then. You hear a rumor which you deny. The person says leaving is a possibility and with a little time they’re gone.

It doesn’t work that way.

No flags are flown. There is no soundtrack in the background leaving you to put two and two together and not come up with five.

I think it’s like that when somebody dies. They just blink out one day and you find out the day or the week after. Truth rushes in on you and you can’t take down the speed. You’re expected to soak it all in.
You think back to the moment when you last saw them. Maybe you called them up to borrow jumper cables and they the only person you could think of. It could have been a meeting, and you forgot to say hello. You pass them on the street and wave casually back.

And then poof.

Makes me want to treat each moment with better care if I don’t know when part seven is almost through. It’s so fleeting.

When I was little I tried to hold still when a butterfly came close. I wanted it to flutter right onto my palm so I could watch the wings as they quivered. Their wings looked to me wispy paper with tiny paints. A slight movement would be enough to startle it. I never wanted to catch them and keep them captive. I just wanted to hold them. They were so fleeting but I still adore the creatures.

And so these little butterflies are like moments, quick to flee but beautiful both in their coming and leaving. They are so beautiful in movement. Time is precious.... I don’t know when one is about to scatter away from me so I hold each one tightly but not too tightly to crack it. My only hope is to help enhance it and help it to live well enough so that I can always recall it back to me when I shut my eyes to this changing world.

Oouff

One of the few Yu Yu Hakusho episodes I've seen was one where a particular opponent's downfall was he couldn't feel pain. If his pain couldn't be registered, he would not be able to distinguish a mortal blow.

I picked up my painting again after a month's negligence. I sat on my legs, keeping my knees and ankles as crooked as can be. A few hours later I got up and ouch. I don't notice discomfort and find comfort when I'm tensed or stretched weird. So as I stood up my knees felt like creaky doorknobs.

Needless to say after four hours of curling and remolding my joints and six hours of standing, my knees are now mashed potatoes.

I haven't enjoyed myself with painting like this for some time now. The process is so time consuming, I'm beginning to see why it took some artists years to finish a portrait.

I was hoping to hit up Graywhale again and get my own paints so that I could return the ones I have. But... Long story short it makes things easier to not have a credit card or bank account, because a certain organization needs records of every financial asset I have. Mommy can't cash it in for me so there goes my Saturday excitement. I need an insentive to pummel the Halloween Havoc everybody wants a costume NOW.

Yes I do want to spend fifty dollars on official bootlegged cds... I don't have no credit card. I don't have no credit.

I need to work on college now. Cancel spring enrollment. Apply to Weber. Hassle up my transcripts out of the highschool. Get my FASFA back in action. REGISTER.
Yes. I'm being a little silly putting it off aren't I?

passing into

One of the things I love most about work is the diversity. Somehow despite our different personalities and ways, we combine so cleanly...

I get along with them not as coworkers but as people. There's Suzie always ready with a friendly smirk. She's been clean for a year and a half. Keisha's little uns are proof that black babies are cuter than anything else. (They even waddle!) Margaret has a way of getting things done assertively without having to maintain that superior kind of air managers send out now and then. Erica's warm like most Southerners and lets me borrow a bit of Tennessee. Kenny's the hidden intellectual who shrugs at college, I don't know how he can stand straight black coffee. I've had coffee twice. I knew it was useless since I knew half of what I was drinking was sweetner, but it depends on it's flavor I guess. Larry's a vetran, for his years in the armed forces, and the company. Brianna, heh, she can make anyone laugh and forever curses Eve for menopause and high heels. Angelo is into blue grass, you can hear him hum while he closes the place.


Working alongside people who make a living out of retail... Some of them get a look in their eyes when I talk about setting off for school. As if I had asked them a question rather than made a statement. There's not a look of regret there, but I think I see a flash of remberance.

I like this environment. Despite the uhhh track record of store 1103. Here I'm viewed as an equal, their aim is not to make people feed their superiority with inferiority.

When October ends I'll have a rough time adjusting back to the flow of things. I've settled into Halloween too well... I won't want to hand in my labcoat for the vest...

Speaking of which I hope I can get a morning shift on Halloween. It would suck to have this perfect of a costume and have to grumble to myself 'all dressed up and no where to go'. I was one of the first ones to request it but I have no guarantee.

Tommorrow (or today if it's like oneish in the morning) I get paid. I'm going to be spending quite a bit of it too. I ration my spending usually but... I'll indulge a little more this time.


It's beginning to feel like autumn once again. I'm pulled outside by the feel of it alone. The colored leaves help to keep me patient for the first snowfall.

Watching from the sidelines

On the Sidelines

Games. Everyone plays them. It’s not in the polite society handbook to display one’s bare intentions. We have to be blinded by tact and particular word choice to advance onto anything else. This isn’t in my territory, I’m usually more empathetic and supportive towards someone than I am convincing. It’s both a curse and a gift. To be able to see so far into a person down to their basic hopes and fears, their instincts and impulses, strengths and insecurities. You know why. You can see their logic, you relate too well.

People think I’m random because I don’t usually format my conversations with subject relativity. I dart from one subject to the next instead of carefully leading them into it. I think I’m spontaneous. I don’t wait for the conversation to tip toe over to my own topics.

I’m glad I can’t read minds. It’s such an eerie power. One doesn’t always think what they mean or feel. Thoughts are infinite everyone has their own codes of thinking. I don’t always think in language. I explore multiple actions even ones I’d never carry out. Despite this everynow and then it would be sooo useful.

*sighs* Even now I’m bound by the chains of propriety, wearing it’s concrete mask. I wish it were more breathable.

I’ve always been a watcher. When I was in the forest I remained completely still so that I could continue to observe the wild life. I’m becoming another tree in this uncharted wilderness, watchful and constant.

I’m watching from a distance, from these velvet roped sidelines. Watching the world spin on it’s unstable axis. Quiet only on the outside.

Yet another area of my life where I’m caught between abstracts, between roles, between circumstance. Insider, Outsider. Either way it still exists. I’m only station agent, well notified. I’m not the engine, I’m not longer an engineer. It seems so short out there in the distance now, a tiny speck of black on that ladder we place on the ground. Only a witness whose seat is reserved.

"Hold onto to nothing as fast as you can"

Not overworrying, it’s more like over thinking. I classify and reclassify. I blink I breathe. I act on such a small scale.

Yes, call me a schizo, Cause Tori Amos is my confidant, cause music is my consolation. I’m not even speaking, there’s only music in response.


To trying too hard-

"Been looking for a savior in these dirty streets, I’ve been looking for a savior beneath these dirty sheets, been raising up my hands, drive another nail in, got enough guilt to start my own religion

Why do we
Crucify ourselves
Everyday
Nothing I do is good enough"

To my feelings of wanting to disconnect now and then. For stillness to return to my head for one moment.

"So I ran faster but it caught me here
yes my loyalties turned like my ankle
in the seventh grade
running after Billy, running after the rain.

These precious things let them bleed
Let them wash away these precious things
Let them brake their hold on me"

To melancholy in itself.

"The smart money is all hollow.
The moon is in the street.
The shadow boys are out
breaking all the laws.

You’re east of anything west
and the rain is making speeches
and the rain sounds like a round of applause.

Napoleon is weeping in a cornerless room
his invisible fiancee is in the mirror
The band is going home, it’s raining
hammers, it’s raining nails

It’s true theres nothing left

They all pretend they’re orphans.
And their memory is like a train
You can see it getting smaller as it pulls away
The things you can’t remember...
Tell the things you can’t forget."

To childhood

"and through the walls they made their mudpies
I’ve got your mind I said
she said I got your voice I said
you don’t need my voice girl
you have your own but you never thought it was
enough of. So they went years and years like
sisters. Blanket girls. Always there through this and that
there’s nothing we cannot ever fix I said

Bells and footfalls and soliders and dolls
She and I were now.

Can’t stop what’s coming
Can’t stop what’s on it’s way.

And now I speak to you are you in there you have her hace and her eyes but you are not her and we fot at each other like blank ettes who can’t find their thread and their bare.

Can’t stop loving. Can’t stop what is on its way and I see it coming it’s on it’s way."

She doesn’t give me answers. I’m thinking in questions, she answers in two part harmony.
There are no answers. Only choices that solve and unsolve...

Arriving Renewal

Concentrate. There are voices speaking and speaking your name. This world is lost to you . Relocate, complete another.

Ambition comes then flattens, like ocean waves sloping over the shorelined years. As the sidelines become straighter, I weave another thread between.

Answers spoke out in blank riddles. Each one is solved but most are unused. Each one starves for a turn, a priority, a name. Reaches for renewal.

Continue, another day is brewing early. Remember every arrival, continue.

Fated..?

I’ve been hearing so much talk of the end of all days. Religious doom. Is it abnormal that I feel so naïvely calm? Is it this sudden feeling that everything will be alright when all is said and done?

How do I place ‘God’ , ‘Destroy’ and ‘Wrath’ in the same sentence?

Is it fair or unfair to halt the blossoming generation to be contained, shut down and denied the natural life process? These fruits of youth ripen from experience and time. Old age is not inhibiting in my mind. Knowledge can be gained, yes, but it’s worth must be learned to be treasured. You become aware of your mortality and the continuation of life then on a new level in that setting stage in your life. You not only understand but feel and experience. I still hold this, which I heard somewhere that with the weakening of the body comes the strengthening of the mind. Limitations are recognized, you are permitted a deeper pondering of your life to come when your life here ends with new awe. Know your limits and learn that you are not limited... Specific life stages have different flexibilities and options, this age does have it’s offerings. Oddly, I do sometimes look forward to my old age. I imagine myself silver haired, withered and sweetly worn with a long legacy to look back on, loving the bronzing sun as it sets majestically as I’ll look skyward. This generation and society fears aging and takes dangerous measures such as slicing open outward identity, stripping away and slicing up the face so that the wounds will slide into a generic acceptable appearance. All in a lust for an unattainable and unfulfilling fountain of youth. I have no reason to flee it, I will take every year I can if I know I have something more to add to learn to be. There is a responsibility to push to the end, to continue, and to grow.

Gods would be a different agenda. And our lives down here are so small and fleeting. Temporal always gives way to another permanence in the end.

When a door closes, another opens. When something ends something new begins. I hardly see the creation and destruction’s symbiotic relationship as dark and cynical as I discussed have previously discussed with one of you, but could not accurately explain then with all my thoughts unclothed and without words... I touch the pen against the page, tainting it’s perfected pristine color with lines and curves of ink. The softness and flexibility of clay is taken away when it is fired, but it becomes easier to keep if it is firm. A mother gives birth and the life she knew before ends transforms into something new because she now has another life to guide other than her own. Circumstance demands and simultaneously rejects. It is what change is.

Hmm.

I sit here complacently, moving with faith that with my ownership of my own soul I am bound for larger things and focused circumstance. Such a weird calm really, so come what may.

Fate itself is such a tantalizing subject So do I believe in predestination or independent destinies ? To think of my life as a bland calculation without choice, chance, or change is so listless and cold. Or maybe I could see it as a masterplan individualized for me?

I definitely lean more towards the liberty to decide. Maybe there is a very small number, say five destinies available that can be met through numberless branches of paths we can take. Like separate variables and values that arranged in several combinations can only have five outcomes (or five to keep this in measure.)

Choose your adventure books have six or more endings but around eleven or so beginnings... I really do believe that we are capable of as much good as we are bad. Could it be like this? That souls are natural magnets whose polarities are aligned with select fates? I would like to believe in destiny in a smaller degree.

Okay first ftp download failed because this computer doens't have on needed installation component.

Ohhkay. Next!

I'll take a bite out of filezilla and see how I like it. Unless one of you out there has a recommendation...? 44% and counting...

Work was pretty good, though I'm glad they didn't call me in earlier. They tried but my mom had a long distance call from someone and tied up the line. Later I tied up the line myself. hehe.

A kid looked up at me today and asked me if I was a nurse. I was wearing my new uniform for Halloween, my mad scientist lab coat. Had to smirk at that one, nope just a costume coordinator... I carefully explained that I worked there and forgave the rascal in the back of my mind for terrorizing the Halloween section which was hit up soooo bad. I really admire the imagination of the young. Sometimes I do miss childhood, as Glynn Hughes puts it 'Childhood is an exitement from simply being alive."

When I find out about something complex and perception changing it usually startles me throughout the day. Well this one followed me through the night and it's a lot like a medical insurance policy. Once you max out everything and you hit what's termed a 'catatrosphic' by having a certain amount of medical costs they pay everything off for you. It's like this really, the irony and confusion has long since admitted themselves and reached the top of the charts. I understand and feel it's different now and because I do both it doesn't sink a hole in my stomach.

It's just probing now. Filing through what I understand, running back through what's already there and adding the blanks of which I fill out.

It answers a lot of things but poses a few more but smaller questions.

97% and counting...

High Life

I really really like this song. I play it to death.




All my friends got flowers in their eyes
But I got none this season
All of the last ten years blooms have gone and died
Time doesn’t give a reason
Hey baby, do you ask yourself sometimes
What you need to be forgiven?
Everything that you’ve ever done wrong
Is the reason that I’m driven
Straight to you.

Waiting here for you
Wanting to tell you
How I get my ends and my beginnings mixed up too
Just the way you do
Thought if I told you
You might want to stay for just another day or two

Waiting for the trains that just never come
Beginning to believe in
The disappearing nature of the people we have been
We have begun to change into the worst kind of people
So unkind
Oh apologies, no apologies, this apology
Doesn’t describe the way it feels to feel for you

Waiting here for you
Waiting here for you
Wanting to tell you
How I find myself slowly disappearing too
Just the way you do
Thought if I told you
You might want to help me remain with you

I just wanna stay for a little while
I wanna stay a little while

There’s a night life falling down on me
I just feel like a change
Beneath the sun in the summer
a sea of flowers won’t bloom without the rain
But oh, this desert life, this high life
Here at the dying end of the day
I wasn’t made for this scene baby
But I was made in this scene
And baby it’s just my way
I don’t want to go home alone, I wanna come on home to you

Waiting here for you
Wanting to tell you
How I line my sky with all the silver I can use
Just the way you do
Thought if I told you
You might want to stay for just another day or two.

Counting Crows

Yum

Do I really have to go to work today? I'm in heaven.

Counting crows and chocolate. What better way to spend your day? It's wonderful.

So my new site isn't going according to planned. I signed up at bizhat.com. Thought it would be a neutral name like that which was ADVERTISED freewebhost.com. I got 50 megs (gimme more!) that I can do nothing with, because their controls are so non descript I can't even create a new page. I can view the contents, but can't add any.

So off to the forum I guess say hey I'm the newb WTH do I do here??


WHOAHHH DID I DO IT?

*hyperventilates*

I think I got it. It's uploading through publishing wizard. after the upteenth try. Okay nobody come home, please! I'm so close!

It's not official yet but check out http://palepaintedsky.bizhat.com/main.htm At least something should come up, even if it's just a blank page with an announcement from bizhat.

What kind of name is that any way? Bizhat?

Well whatever it is, it's working right?

Witness

Make me a witness
take me out
out of darkness
out of doubt.

I won’t weigh you down
with good intentions,
or make fire out of clay
or other inventions.

Will we burn
in Heaven?
Like we do
down here?
Will the change come
while we’re waiting?

Every one
is waiting...

And when we’re done
soul searching
and we carry the weight,
die for a cause...
Is misery made beautiful
right before our eyes?
Will mercy be revealed
or blind us where we stand?

Will we burn
in Heaven?
Like we do
down here?
Will the change come
while we’re waiting?

Every one
is waiting...

-Sarah McLachlan

Overthinking

Oblivious or ignorant. Hard to say.

You are given an honor when you are ignored. This is when you are noticed most. To successfully ignore you have to stalk the ignored. Figure where not to go, what not to do.

And do I even want to establish which? Truth doesn't have to settle. It forces itself in and asks nothing. People do with it what they will.

In the end blame won't matter. It solves nothing, completes nothing.

Good and evil? I've explored both spectrums of myself indefinitely. She is darkening. Anyone can see that from far away. I say this neutrally having fully explored my own darkness.

The difference is between my dark and her dark is, my blackest thoughts abolish human concepts and emotions. They mock them. It absorbs all but one feeling the adoration of nothingness, infinite night. Embraces destruction and weakness. And a strange indulgence when something is admitted into obilivion, shredded, discarded. Very focused on carnage of all palpable structure like an anarchy of the heart. I could so easily be mentally celibate had I not taken the choice to feel and actually allow larger emotions. I could rid myself of the need for positive emotion, or the abstract want/need for love (in it's variety of forms as it's definition is so large). I've done it once. Somehow a strip of compassion even lived through that. This was a different skin, and a different time, but definitely one that has formed me.

Hers is focused more on emotions to their fullest.

We take turns I guess.

It's a little different to see someone who was years back my example and life line out of that emptiness, the only one who would see closely enough to even begin to listen.

Thats the little thing that tugs at me.

EVIIIIIL

How any self respecting human being continues to live like this, I really don't know. Haaa. Can't even see my floor, dishes are scattered about, my carpet's plated with old clothes. I make a mad dash looking for shoes before work. I think I 've solved the problem though, I just keep my battered tennis shoes in the kitchen. Domestically challenged? Something like that.

Here's a few things to put on my record as a living breathing paradox. A few of the fine arts of the home don't appeal to me such as CLEANING and SEWING, but most people like to be clean I guess. Only outwardly in this display-case society. But don't get me started on the hypocrisy of man. I kind of cook, I can clean when it comes down to it, but I get by. I'll lend two helping hands around the house ,yet won't lift a finger in my room. Should probably get around to it.
I could sell this, it's like boot camp for OCD patients, spend two months or more with my brother and I. It would be quite the experience. With reality shows so tickled with odd habits and exposure of the abnormal, it would be hilarious.
I'm the proud owner of a super nintendo now. Laugh if you must, but this is victory. I've been looking for one for almost a year or two. THREE bucks roughly, thanks to employee discount, Graywhale it would be thirty - twenty bucks depending on the condition. That's crap. I bought the ac adapter for more than the system itself. I settled a bit over the $8 after I called 'AreUGAME' and they recommended looking into a FORTY DOLLAR CONVERTER. !@$%&#@ no way honey. Now I’m getting to another problem.

So here's something to keep me swearing in my sleep for a while. It's not fair to do this to the devoted. no no no no no. It's going to cause a flood sooner or later to keep me and other nerdish Zelda fans in check until 2006, since we've all been drooling at an inhuman rate since 2003 over those pretty screenshots. (I wish I had my old connection, the game testing genius I could use the inside info) I've been checking in on some sweet looking reviews and this 'un should be promising. I can't wait, theres going to be a variety of new control features, the storyline is ever darker, and the graphics... The Graphics! So life like!

hope I didn't freak you all out with my life long Zelda fixation. Just thought of something, you don't ward off vampires with garlic, raw fanaticism is much more effective. In fact raw anything is about enough. People don’t like what is unfiltered and base, most people can’t handle origins.

There is hope though. I haven't played every Zelda game, particularly the old school pixelated ones. I still got the oracles.

Okay self, do the math. You get up at what 8:00 tommorrow on your day off, and you're up and energized at 12 freaking 48 in the morning. Everything has it's price, even Insanity.

patience

I’ve been refraining from posting anything too significant lately, as it would attract the kind of attention I would not like to have. It’s been a little rough now and then and I’m becoming more and more ready to live on my own. To make it brief there’s been a few happenings here that call out loudly for me to leave. I sometimes feel like an alien in my own house. I care about different things that they would never even begin to consider. I can’t compromise myself as I have before... but the order of things here run differently. Whoever goes to the furthest extreme wins, whoever does the most damage. It’s a real load of crap. And the advice I get for this is to appease my mom, say nothing back. Do nothing and be walked all over...

I haven’t been feeling too well. I’m finding out some new fun things to worry about to make me feel like I’m sixty. I hate feeling frail.

I’m really enjoying work these days. The staff is very diverse, but even though we’re all our own people we all get along smoothly. It has a very warm atmosphere so I feel really lucky. I’ve heard people complaining about their bosses, but I can’t complain about mine. It’s nice here.


We just hired an Ethiopian someone whose name I’m still trying to retain. He’s quick to smile and very meek. His accent is one that I’m not familiar with, it’s soft and very focused on curved vowels. He struck off a deal between us, if I teach him English, he will teach me Arabic. Arabic! That’s not even his first language either. He’s very homesick but he must stay here for two more years because of a program he’s enrolled in. Personally I think modern American culture is cold, conformist, and too focused on material items. I would be home sick as well. I’m always asking him about Africa and what it’s like to walk on Ethiopian soils.

I hope to travel through other countries someday. Not just to vacation but to have more exposure to other cultures, interact with new peoples, and hear unknown languages. The farthest out I’ve been is in the ocean, waaay back when. I hope that it can be possible for me someday. That I can do more with it than dream about it from a distance.

Unwritten

I am so unheathily nocturnal. It's by choice these days or nights if you want me to be specific. I do get tired of having to be so politically correct, if speaking freely is so controversial. Ai yi yi.

I don't enjoy having my dreams shot down by the world, by reality, by what some would call fate. They aren't dead.

What I'm talking about isn't even recent, it's completely unwritten so far from where I stand.

I've got to go the way I've got to go. I'm a passionate person and I would be unhappy winding up with a bland occupation. I think I've just lost my hold on my dorm to a south weber girl who is driving my cousin up the wall.

Life unfolds itself each day, taking and then adding. I'm getting older. The grounds are shifting again and I'm almost comfortable with it if that's the word. Almost.

Changes send me off in streams of thought. We spend our whole lives trying to classify only to rearrange... It's an uncontrolled experiement with infinite varibles. It even boils down to the probability of a possiblity.

The roads are wide. I'm trailing off at highspeeds, and this time I have no guardrails.

Human minds who disagree... but everyone is looking for something

I consider myself to be very allowing and liberal but there are still ideas that I can never even begin to consider. Someone presented the idea that since no one person can supply you with everything that you need monogamous relationships do not make sense. As I am sitting here I can’t silence the choir of ‘whys’ in three part harmony in my head. Are we as people meant to have everything that we want? Why does getting it all help anyone to grow? I have seen many people in my life who have not cherished what they have been given. What I find so frightening are people who take love and affection for granted. Human nature is to be fickle, why should this trait be encouraged?. Why would having been with so many different people not spoil how they measure the worth of an individual person? I would very much like to think that people are not disposable, like objects that can easily be replaced.

If an individual has limits and a set personality will it in time starve the other in a relationship? Are commitments between a couple inside a serious responsible relationship solely built upon benefits the other can extend? Is love only sought out for selfish gain? Is being with a fellow human who understandably has natural weaknesses so oppressive?

Is it so hard to commit over long periods of time inside of relationship? Because it gets ‘old’? Is monogamy supposedly so unnatural because of these timed expiration dates? Is it like a favorite song that has been overplayed? What is not understood that so much is unwritten about people, we are constantly recomposing ourselves in various ways. A person is not a 3 and a half minute song produced by a one hit wonder band. Oh I’m done with you I know all the words you will say, I know you too well. I know that I am constantly unfolding and evolving everyday and I hope that this is for the better. It maybe that I am just weird, but the longer I have known someone, the more connected I am to them.

I am a creative person, I enjoy cultivating matter and creating. I find music completely necessary. Does this mean I must marry an artist , a poet, or a musician to be satisfied? No! While I can’t say I wouldn’t want to, what I am really looking for is just someone who can understand my thinking or at least where my thinking comes from. I don’t need someone to appreciate and approve of all my interests. Just as long as they can understand that I feel it deeply.

What I am saying is not that you can’t expect anything out of the other person in a relationship with you. I am saying that if someone doesn’t meet all your requirements on a personality level, doesn’t get a ‘A’ in all your favorite subjects, that’s okay. What I look for is someone who has the capacity to understand who I am and understand and share my values. I can expect them to be compassionate and loyal, cause I think these traits are attractive even romantic. I can expect them to be a true individual in a world whose peoples survival depend on conforming. I can expect whoever it is to think for himself, and to be logical in decisions. I have met many people who are poetic who through their hands up in the air while trying to read or write a poem. I have met artless artists and passionless musicians. I’m not going to pack my bags and leave someone because they are too quiet and tone deaf, because they can’t sketch a convincing stick figure etc. As with any person you meet there will be something unlikable about them. Realizing the humanity in someone while knowing what it is about them that matters- this is so beautiful to me. Loving someone unashamed. You can be and should be careful and clearly decisive in these matters. You should be careful who you give a part of yourself over to, and who you will be receiving a part of. I don’t want such a personal exchange to be in vain.

Polygamy eliminates the need to choose. I feel comfortable with monogamy and commitments because I know that I am capable of making with adequate time sane and worthwhile judgements. If I am wrong on something it will turn out okay? Why? Because I learn from screwing things up. Sometimes it is a few episodes of trial and error that I need to expand my ability to make a good judgement.

I see it like this, by choosing to be monogamous I am saying I respect myself. I am saying that my love is worth being kept, that it is a rare thing and by not giving issuing out romantic love to everyone I have made it precious. I have a price and an indefinite value. In return I have to earn the love of someone else and I can expect it from everyone.

In a world where people come and go out of my life, where I can take no one for granted it is nice to have a hold on a certain amount of consistency. This is something I usually keep to myself but for the arguments’ sake I will bring it up. The fact is people leave. They go you go. A spouse is someone who has agreed unconditionally to stay a part of your life forever. (good heavens I sound like a RS handbook) The first person you see is that person when you wake up. And how beautiful it is to think that you will not lose touch with that person. It is a timeless alliance that takes honor to uphold. But the rest of society sees marriage as imprisonment. Looking at the rising divorce rates marriage isn’t trendy anymore. So if embracing my values is unnatural or relatively unconventional, I dare to beat against the tide.

Live

Live, don't be afraid to fall. You could have died several times today-- crossing the street, refusing to speak your mind, choking because of one improper swallow, killing off a last and needed hope, breathing carbon monoxide in your house. If you were too safe and unwilling to take any risk you would have died also; you would starve, you keep yourself from taking in any air --good or bad-- bluing your face. People would see the wall when they looked at you, because you said nothing of the thoughts you claim. Worst of all the cars would pass you -- red or green light break or no break between vehicles and your feet would stay grossly welded into the grey pavements while you, unmoving watch with fear never to cross, never to advance when you are made for moving.

the bombs bursting in air...

I had my forth of July on the second. The stadium of fire scheduled for the second for whatever reason, but it worked out nicely for us.

I'm in American Fork right now spending the night at my cousins' house. It's a little strange because their parents aren't home and my whole family is spending the night here. I thought the decision was a little hasty but no one here seems to mind our impromptu stay.

I can't recall a more spectacular show of fire works, but this may be because this is the first year out of four that I had not read off and on through the show. This year I ventured to go out farther than usual, I found the edge of the swirling bridge as I had sworn to but never had the patience to as a child. I found a perfect place for watching the skies by the Marriot center. I jumped over the gate and dangled my legs over the ledge. I looked like a child really, even felt like one. It was as if it were the first time I had ever seen fireworks before. The area we choose is always so picturesque and it facinates me how the place never seems to change. I've visited it every year in July since I was young, it's strange how my perspectives have changed since then, every time I go I see something new.

My cousins went about their usual antics... I've admired their spunk since I was young. The logical responsible side of me went on and on about how hazardous it was to traffic. But I was in the right kind of mood to allow children to be children and let a holiday be a holiday. It was like old times, all the boys ran wild causing trouble, the girls went around to threaten their sense of manhood by thwarting their little adventures.


Very rarely do I ever wake so calmly as I did this morning. All and all it's been a good day, from the beginning to end. Sadly, I've got to force myself to call it a night.

"Sing once again with me, our strange duet"

Sometime ago I've finished the book Phantom and have recently rented the Phantom of the Opera movie (that and van helsing in all its suckiness...two movies seen in one month? unbelivable...). The black and white still existed contrary to what someone once told me.
For the overall story in both the book and movie - beautiful. Beautifully written, sung, and portrayed I was really taken away by this. I'm adding another book on my need to read list, I've never read the original book and I need to because I am almost sure that the book Phantom was only adapted from the original story, (no question that the movie wasn't) I would like to see the musical and buy the soundtrack as well, but I have to be honest with myself, I'm a poor kid saving for college. Tickets for that show are expensive enough ordinarily but with all the hype going on about it I can see prices rising because people would be more than willing to pay.
I see it as an outward representation of how strange and fragile the heart is. It is much too powerful to toy with because of the unique and extreme response the heart can evoke. This story gives you the eyes to see the mindsets and inner feelings normally not shown. These rollercoaster like emotions were given attention to show exactly how much damage making finalities wait can be. I believe that everyone would in specific circumstances feel as the characters did in the story, but how they would outwardly respond is another story. There is no direct emotional justification to give, only circumstances to take into mind. If you have throughout your life been denied even the basest rights as a human, ostracized from society by being proclaimed a black product of hell, stowed away up in an attic for fear of mobs, you will most likely lose respect for the public. This was his last attempt at any human associations. Anyone with enough insight can see why these tragic conditions would negatively condition a person, shaping a character out of man's fear and hatred. The emotions were truly a prominent element in the story, but it boils down to one thing- the need to feel positive emotions while being tormented by a twisted world man's prejudices has built for the different since birth. No matter how far this is repressed, every human has a need for positive relationships after being emancipated from any claims as human.
I've thought long on this seeing as this topic was the center of extensive controversy sometime back, and many of the themes can be paralleled to those involved the more I think about it. These three characters define a choice and why exactly you must not choose to be blind. Light and dark caught between and depending on the whims of a pacifist gray...
Surely 'none of us can choose where we will love'. What an abstract emotion it is, love... It has the capability to affect every fiber of your being. It makes people do the strangest things, find faces you never knew you had. This is why I can't say that any relationship I've been in has been in vain, through most long term interactions I have with any person I discover something new within me.